Category Archives: Word Play

Odd words, phrases and jargon from about the world and web

My Clever Wife

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Jessica is clever.  She’s got it in for a contestant on American Idol.  She can’t stand the Sanjaya fellow.  He’s Hawaiian, which would normally be a plus, but he’s like the Hawaiian version of Michael Jackson, which is a major minus.  Wait, he’s not like Michael Jackson in the dancing department, he’s like Michael Jackson in the weirdness department.  He doesn’t even sing as well as Micheal Jackson (the 12 year old Michael Jackson, not the one who is in the media now periodically for doing strange things like converting to Islam, touching little boys in naughty ways, and of course having almost as much plastic surgery as the now gone Anna Nicole Smith [whose body was probably no where near deteriorating at the time of her burial]).  Sanjaya just gets Jessica’s dander up, and she’s allergic to dander.

So Jessica’s scheme is to call in next week from our phones and vote for the second stinkiest performer (probably that Phil guy) who is male.  15 votes for Phil is 15 votes that can’t go to Sanjaya.  Of course once Jessica votes Sanjaya off of the island, she’ll be after Phil.  And Phil – you don’t want her after you like that, I’ve seen her game face and she’ll take you out.

Oh, and I predict here and now that Melinda will take the American Idol competition no matter how good Chris Sligh is.

Gilmore Girls

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Jessica told me this evening that Gilmore Girls is being cancelled.  If you don’t know who or what Gilmore Girls is… you’re lucky.  Its one of the weirdest television shows since the X-Files.  But instead of being freaky they go for quirky comedy but end up coming across as a combination of having the flu and Groundhog’s Day (the movie) combined.  Each episode is exactly the same.  Sure, the ‘plot’ changes, or at least re-orders the events a little, but each episode is about a mom and a daughter who are both ADD/ADHD and who have the emotional stability of a woman in labor.  I take that back.  Women in labor are more stable than these two gals.  To top it of there are men [MEN!] on the show who are also emotionally unstable.  The upshot is that the humor on the show (I’m not making this up, they actually consider it humor) is entirely non-sequiturs.  Entirely.  Completely.  Fully.  Monotonously.  Here I will attempt to give you a script (pulled out of my scary imagination) that represents this show:

Scene: Inside of the house the mother is on the phone with the daughter.

Mom: “Rory, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a kabillion times I’m fine.”

Daughter: “Mom, I’ve lived with you since I was in your womb, I know when you’re not fine.” [to be said with a straight face because its not a non-sequitur]

Mom: “Rory, it was my womb, and you still owe me rent.”

Daughter: “I didn’t have any money at the time, but I think I can sell pictures of myself like that Barba gal from American Idol…”

[End Scene before I throw up in my mouth]

Its not good writing, and the acting is dry, but not funny dry like the Brit-coms.

Good-bye Gilmore Girls.  I hope all of the ‘actors’ find other ‘roles’ that ‘suit’ them but are not type-cast as mannequins.

All-in-One

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I got a new printer last night.  The reason that I might need a printer is that data trapped inside of a computer is often useless unless you can gather a large amount of people around your computer, get them their own computers with the same data, or transfer it to them over the Matrix.  Since I can’t afford a connection to the Matrix I took the cheap way out.

My old printer wasn’t old, it was barely over one year old when it stopped working.  I don’t believe it was an equal rights thing, it just quit working because the fine employees at HP computers worked their backsides off and still didn’t produce the printer that would have worked its backside off.  I have to now find a place that will allow me to recycle the printer so that folks can disassemble it and turn it into lawn clippings or some such nonsense.

The new printer has fax capabilities built in.  I feel so 1988.

Call the RIAA!

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This is a weird sarcastic poem that probably will scare more people than amuse 🙂

Today the car next to mine

was cranking his music up to nine
I could hear the lyrics just fine

I hadn’t purchased or paid a dime

Call the R-I-A-A

there must be some fine to pay

The lines are clear, there is no grey

Call the stinking R-I-A-A

He took off when the light turned green

I turned after him to stop his scheme

I had been intending to go straight

But I had to stop this violate

I swerved and shouted at this cheater

Until the cop stopped me like a speeder

He didn’t understand the trouble

With the music outside the bubble

As if the sound wasn’t copyrighted

He arrested me and I was cited

“Call the R-I-A-A,” I rioted

Screaming loudly, angry, violent

I had the right to remain silent

Saw IV: The Mouseman Cometh

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Last night a mouse died… under my table saw.  My mother-in-law went into the garage to have a smoke and found the mouse dead there.  Yuck.  Slightly weird.  Death in the garage.

It was actually nice because the mouse had escaped a trap I’d set for it. We saw the snapped trap and a trail of mouse juice leaving AWAY from the trap in another direction that was not towards the saw.  But the saw’s powers were just too great, the mouse had to come out and meet its final destiny under the Ryob.

The worst part was that I had to dispose of the mouse.  I don’t like dead animals for various reasons, but one of them is germs.  I put on work gloves, grabbed a wide open piece of newspaper (for some reason we get a paper even though no one reads it for anything but coupons and comics) and carefully picked up the body.  I had to squeeze the paper until I felt the little body inside of it – which was also not an ok mental experience.   The mouse went into a whole foods paper bag (for some reason I always get paper when I go to Whole Foods – I think I feel like I fit in better when I do), inside of the garbage can,inside of my house, inside the city of Aurora, inside Arapahoe county, inside Colorado, inside the United State, inside North America, inside of the earth… and the tiny germs on the dead mouse stayed off of me.  But just in case I washed my arms up to my shoulders.  Yes, even the hand that didn’t touch the dead mouse newspaper through a leather work glove.

Young Pratt

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I have a Junior High story to tell.

There was a student I went to Jr. High with from Alabama. He was like a foreign exchange student in Carson City, Nevada. He had a southern accent, he dressed funny, and he said some, um, different things. Jarrell would say things like, “I ain’t gettin’ nekkid in no gym class.” when the rest of us would say, “I’m not showering.” In Junior High showering wasn’t a priority anyway because you’d rather smell like you’ve not showered after running three bazillion laps before playing a twelve hour flag football game than to expose your naked body to another human being. Especially if they might be naked, too. Jarrell just said it different.

Jarrell had feelings for several of the girls at school during his time as a ‘foreign exchanged’ student. He would go from talking about liking Katie, Jill or Julie to eating possum without blinking. We would tease him about stuff because being jerks was totally acceptable when you were doing it to a foreign exchange student. We loved to tease him for “fixin’ to do somethin'” or for mentioning things we thought were redneck. The said thing is that when I google various students names that I went to school with, they come up. But Jarrell’s doesn’t. I heard he’d moved back to Alabama. Maybe a gator got him, or maybe the Interwebs haven’t reached his part of the globe. Its hard to get the Internets into some trailor parks when the swamp lands hold dangerous venemous snakes. Or, maybe he’s still hiding from Jorge, the guy that also liked Katie.

Update: Oh my gosh! Paula Dean talks much like Jarrell. The Food Network hostess is on in the living room and its like Jarrell’s grandma is, “Hostin’ a cookin’ sha-ow.”

There are Times I Wish I Lived in Indiana…

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Just so I could participate in local culture there.  Local culture romance that is.  Sweet googly-moogly, why don’t they have a restaurant in Colorado?  Whitecastle is having a reservation only Valentines Dinner (details here).  Of course you’ll still have to put up with the jerks honking at the drive-through, but its still an interesting concept.

You can read why I’m so fascinated by Whitecastle here, here, here and here.

Frozen Yogurt

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I took Abby out to get frozen yogurt tonight.  Only the shop was closed.  They’re on sabbatical for approximately 10/12ths of the year.  Abby was dissappointed and said, “The lights are out and the people are bummered.”  But I think she was the ‘bummered’ girl.  Such is life.  I love her little phrases that try to hard to speak at an adult level.  Being her dad is awesome – if your kid is half as cool as mine you’re a blessed parent 🙂

Paying Out of Pocket

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Have you noticed that we ‘pay out of pocket’ for some things?  I’d like to challenge the readers of this blog to consider paying out of other clothing items’ parts.  For example paying out of sleeve, paying out of hat or maybe paying out of the delicates.  There is so much opportunity here for creativity – because frankly in our modern mostly cashless first world society we’re all paying out of the plastic wether its debited out of our bank account or added to the already limitless [wink, wink – nudge, nudge] amount of debt that we can get into with store specific credit lines, airline specific credit cards or worse: gas cards.

I for one am going to pay out of pant leg patch next time just to see how that feels.

Why Dyson’s Suck

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My sister brought over her vacuum this evening.  Due to a mixup in communication.  She kindly left it for us to try out.  Here are ten reasons why no one should buy a Dyson:

  1. You like a vacuum that has no suction power
  2. You like to wrestle with suction tubes
  3. You like to leave junk in and on your carpet
  4. You like to wrestle with vacuum bags and get dust all over the place due to that wrestling
  5. You like to replace vacuum bags
  6. You hate to clean your stairs and making it painful will keep that hate alive
  7. You like vacuums that are designed poorly
  8. Easy to clean vacuums that clean easily sound too good to be true
  9. You like vacuums that don’t have a powerful suction power
  10. You’re me and you don’t have enough money right now

I loved this vacuum.  I’m going to save up and get one.