So I was listening to a station on Pandora. This band comes on and starts sining, “Mydo Kawa.” I was thinking to myself, “These guys sound white enough, but that’s surely some oriental language.” Turns out its the Steve Miller Band and he’s singing “My Dark Hour.” Enunciate! Or move to Canada, learn to enunciate and then sing your silly songs. Mydo Kawa!
Category Archives: Word Play
Librariers or Book Borders
I just accidentally typed Libraries and instead typed librariers. Librariers are clearly the things preventing me from getting my books back on time. To put this in perspective last year I spent more money on late book fees at the library than I did video rental fees. Scary. I think that the Librarians see me coming and fear for their books and other patrons because they know that my family returns books so slowly that some authors have probably written and published new children’s books in between our picking up their previous 16 page special and when we’ll eventually return it. Librariers exist because goofy patrons like us forget that we can renew the books online… if we remembered we had them.
And that’s why we can’t have nice things.
We Missed the Apprentice Season Premier
And boy are we sad. We were really hoping to catch the sappy intro wherein the Hair Flair Scare gets greeted by his super-model wife and child who has more hair than him and then he tells us about how the apprentice is going to finally be selected from a group of cannibals who have no qualms eating their opponents for breakfast, lunch and dinner [and if Taco Bell sponsors it again, “fourth meal”]. Can you believe we missed that?
I would have loved to have seen the opponents get briefly introed as successful business people, brilliant students and quadrillionaires. Which leads me to my next point: why doesn’t Donald Trumpt do an ‘Apprentless’ show where people compete to work in the mail room. Normal people. People like you and I? What? You don’t want to filter through Donald Trump’s email? Me neither, but it would be a good candidate for the Discover channel’s Dirty Jobs show 🙂
Prepare for the Deluge
I’m going to be rather busy for the next several months. This is common for this time of the year and about 2 years ago I worked insane hours for three months – last year I worked insane hours for about a month. Usually I think I will blog less, but I find that I probably blog the same or more. This means that you will probably not notice anything different or care about the change in things posted here, but I like to communicate with you the readers. It makes me feel like a good personal blogger.
I also have some extra complications because I have several development jobs going at once so I’m going to be even busier than normal plus more busy which can be equated to busy, busy. Or, in mathematical formala-like expressions:
Busy1 + Busy2 = Insanity3.
I find blogging to be a solace. Not quite like the Scott Joplin song, but it still helps me to relaxe. Music does, too, but blogging is faster to complete (thus the typos and the bad grammar).
Ford & Bush
So the New York Times headline declared that after the private family funeral a memorial for Ford would be “in Rotunda” (of course the online edition has different text so I can’t link to it). Of course I can only wonder how different the foreign policy would be between the Ford administration and the nation of Rotunda and the Bush administration and the nation of Rotunda. I hadn’t even heard of that country before. I’d heard of Rwanda, but since some of those African countries come and go like satellites in the night sky, why should I worry about them other than they’re obviously kind enough to host a funeral for one of our nation’s presidents. Some might even call him our best president – but I don’t know those people and President Ford unfortunately didn’t influence my life as much as Regan or the Bushes or Clinton because he was president while I was an infant. But don’t get me wrong, it was a lovely infancy as far as I can remember.
President Bush might be more inclined to seek incredible influence on Rotunda because I think he believes that countries we dont’ influence are influencing other countries we don’t influence with iPods and other such nonsense. Its probably for the best because given that more and more of the American population is becoming rotund, controlling a puppet government in Rotunda only makes sense. Of course the biggest problem with the name Rotunda is that if its anywhere near Ethiopia it won’t fit in with all of the Ethiopian jokes I learned as a kid. Speaking of which… what’s the fastest thing in the African desert? An Ethiopian with a meal voucher. What’s the slowest thing in the African desert? A Rotund person doing anything.
Our Postman has a Firstname, its O-S-C-A-R…
Actually, I’m certain that he has a first name, and a last name, and like many people he probably has a middle name. I don’t know any of his names. But I do know his nickname. His nickname is now Sparky. Why? Because last night when for the first time in five days he delivered our mail (due to the weather, that’s not a complaint) we watched him step on the gas and just let his mail deliver vehicle sink into the snow until it dug into the pavement and sent sparks flying from the snow tires not quite getting traction. I’m certain that he’s a fine individual, but I wouldn’t quite drive the LLV that way.
Snow Storm Samba
Do you ever watch the news? Why? Woops, that was a bit negative 🙂 We’re having a snow storm here in Denver, you may know this. Its not a big surprise, it happens a couple times a winter and yet every time it happens the local news goes into full coverage. Full coverage goes like this:
Anchor: “Well, [insert weather person’s name here], what’s it look like out there?”
Weather Entity: “Its a blizzard out there! Snow is falling fast and hard.”
Anchor: “I hope we can get home!”
Weather being: “Lets check-in with one of the poor saps that we sent out there to stand in the snow so you can feel like you’re getting live coverage as a viewer. Leslanda, can you hear us?”
Leslanda: “Weather Person, I’m getting blown around here, there’s lots of frozen water that is forming puddles of frozen snow mass.”
Weather entity: “Leslanda, how are the roads? Are they clear?”
Leslanda: “There are many accidents because pretty much everyone around here forgets that snow is slick.”
And so they go forth with this nonsense like a scripted replay. Its like Dancing With the Stars only its a newscast.
It happens over and over every year. Because weather is news. And news sells commercials. And commercials sell sex. And sex sells pretty much everything – which means storms are good for business – if you can get out of your driveway.
I Think I Really Screwed Up
We took Abby to go see the ‘Nutcracker’. It was Jessica’s idea, but I consented. I think I’ve violated my girl’s sense of decency. The moral failure I have now committed is something I apologize for. Some of you may be thinking about men dancing in tights as being the problem. And you’d be right. But I’m not upset about their fronts, they wore cups or some sort of male-front-part-ambiguizer. But their bums were totally and completely emphasized by the tights. One dancer’s bum was so completely overly-emphasized that I thought it was possible that the crack of his mass went all the way to the other side. Fortunately it did not because I would have had difficulty explaining that to Abby. “Daddy, why does his bottom go all the way through to his front?” They could have called it, “The Buttcracker.” It was wrong.
However, Abby was amazed by some non-anatomical things (and actually didn’t mention the tights) like the Christmas tree growing. She loved the mice dancing around. She liked some of the dances a lot. I just hope that she doesn’t want to go again with me. I can’t watch another round of men in tights. I just can’t.
WWJD? VCR is Bustinated
So our VCR is officially borked. Evelyn worked her little one year old magic and the tape is destroyed as well as the VCR being confused as to what its job in the universe is (it won’t even boot up to show us the time). We have some VHS tapes that we don’t watch with any regularity but that Jessica and I have collected. Jessica brought to our marriage a whole slew of Disney kids tapes (Cinderella, Winnie the Pooh, Dancing with the Stars, etc.) but we don’t watch those and neither do the kids. Do we buy a new VCR (Sony only, I’m going to keep a unified branding for my electronics) for the few VHS tapes we own or not? What Would’Jou Do? [sorry for the bad play on words – sort of]
Whipped Up to a Froth
If you go into a service oriented food supplier (AKA Starbucks) and you order something should the employees question you on your order? If I went into Burger King and ordered a squirt of chocolate milkshake on top of my fries and was fully willing to pay for a small milkshake to achieve the nasty sugar-salty-soggy conglomeration I’m after… then squirt the stinking milkshake on top of a basket of fries and send me to my grave. Quietly. Once I leave your whole store can roll on the floor laughing at the weirdo. But wait until I’m gone.
This morning as a treat to my bride I went to Starbucks and called her from there to ask what she wanted. She told me that she wanted a Pumpkin Spice Mocha. Which, as you may know, involves a large quantity of chocolate syrup, and a smaller quantity of Pumplin Spice syrup followed by a smaller quantity of coffee. Its kind of like a coffee beverage, but more like a sugar beverage. This is the drink my wife requested and so with confidence and certainty I ordered one. And the gal who took my order was shocked. How dare I order my wife a booger and scotch coffee drink. Was I sure? Yes, I did want a pumpkin spice mocha. But what she heard sounded like the worst coffee choice possible. Begrudgingly she wrote on the side of the cup the order.
So I’m pouring in heart stopping amounts of half & half into my large plain coffee and hear, “Mocha… pumpkin spice?!” As if someone had ordered that the froth be generated by beating the dairy with a used rag. For goodness sakes, this is Starbucks. The place took off as a national chain because consumers discovered that they could have what felt like infinite customization over something as simple as a coffee. And they coudl feel snobby and proud of it. They liked their fat-free-decaf-sugar-free-vanilla-latte and Starbucks was proud to charge them $4.53 for it. But I guess that’s changing now. Soon I will have to go in with a bag over my head, and once the employees calm down from thinking its a robbery and realize that I’m embarrassed by their conjectures and so I hide my face like the Phantom of the Coffra.