Category Archives: Word Play

Odd words, phrases and jargon from about the world and web

My Very Own Disenfranchised State of Mental Being

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I realized something about myself this morning.  I realized that I am a disenfranchised individual.  Unlike some franchises I cannot join with money or a change of sexual preference.  Nope, I’m a white boy who cannot, for the life of himself, get the rhythm he so wants.  I’m not a Republican or a Democrat because no party specifically embodies what I believe and behold.  I cannot, at present, be part of the long-beard franchise.  In no uncertain terms do I want to be part of the Fedora Hat franchise.  I’m not fond of being extreme in a political manner because I find that being extreme in any direction besides passive gets me connected to franchises I don’t want to be part of.  As a Christian I’m a non-denominationalist, which is to say I’m not part of any brand/breed/franchise of Christianity.

I do however want to point out that I shouldn’t be affiliated with the disenfranchised because that may have some sort of weird side effects I can’t afford.

Swimming Lessons in a Pool Full of Tears

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Tonight Abby had swimming lessons, but as we left Evelyn just lost it.  She cried and cried and cried.  Tears streamed down her face that we would leave without her.  We could have been going to Hell [Michigan] and she’d have wanted to come with us.  Of course somewhere in Nebraska she’d throw an equally intense fit because she was still in the car.  She’s become quite the drama queen.  I’m praying the God sends a miracle our direction to cause her quaint little happy-all-of-the-time attitude to come back.

Pulling into the parking lot at the recreation center I realized that about 25% more people wanted to recreate than could park in the parking lot.  No amount of patience that I could have or have supernaturally given to me was going to free up enough parking spots for me to fit in and get Abby to her lesson in time.  So I parked around the side of the park on a side street and we walked to the pool.  I think we cleared the quarter mile in about 6 minutes which was good given that Abby is so short and I’m so slow for being in the near prone coding position I sit in all day.  [my legal team would like me to state that I don’t actually sit in the prone positionwhile coding lest I be released from contracts for being lazy]

Abby’s swimming lesson went well.  She didn’t panic when the teacher instructed her to rest on her back (while being supported by the instructor’s arms).  She didn’t panic when the teacher tied a lead weight to her middle and dropped her into the deep end.  Abby was well behaved. [My legal department wants me to tell you that no weights were tied to Abby and the deep end of the kiddy pool is only 4 feet deep at most]

Of course the teenaged girl who was doing the group lessons appeared to be maybe fifteen or sixteen years in age if I’m generous.  Its hard for me in my nearly-thirty state to just look at a teenaged person and say, “That person is [some number] years old.”  My ability to judge ages for people on the whole is weaker now, but the teenagers throw me for a huge loop.  I’m even finding some early 20 year olds hard to distinguish from teenagers.  It is as if there’s some conspiracy to make me feel very old now.  It won’t work, I’ll get plastic surgery and face lifts until I’m 45 and then I’ll just let it all go.

I’m hoping to bring the camera to Wednesday’s lesson.  That way you can see pictures of this instructor with Abby and tell me that she isn’t barely older than Abby 😉

Low Hanging News

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I shouldn’t pick on the news writers, except that its their job to write useful news… or is it?  Take this article for example.  I want to know what form of logic is consistent that allows you to have an influx of people into an area, that if removed, means that the area would lose population.  You could logically say that if those people stopped coming into an area that the populoation would stagnate and eventually, due to death and alien abductions the population would go down, but you can’t say that because immigrants are moving into an area that the population would go down if they stopped coming.  Its a false argument.

Let me put it forth in a formula because I can’t [SIC]:

Immigrants + population in an area = greater population

but that doesn’t mean that

population in area + 0 > population in area

I’m sure that’s a bad formula and I’m sure I lost most of the readers after the word forumula above.

~Happy Birthday Jessica!~

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Happy birthday to my bride, the former “Randy’s Girlfriend.”  The beautiful mother of my children.  The child of my in-laws.  The woman of my dreams.  The woman of my awakes.

Happy Birthday!  I hope today is as fun for you as it could be 🙂

Compost

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At our local mega-giant-club-store-where-you-buy-in-quantities-that-would-feed-third-world-countries they had a compost bin for a price I couldn’t pass up.  I bought the bin because I hate throwing away so much food.  We throw out so much stuff wrapped in plastic trash bags that could be recycled that I’m embarrased to be involved in the process.  So along with recycling glass, plastic, paper and metal products I’m also recycling some of our food waste.  That food will go into the compost bin, get eaten up by bacteria, and according to the line drawing that came with the instructions, will come out as small lines of garden goodness.

We’ll till the compost into our dirt and then our dirt will be happy.  Happy dirt for happy worms that will be eaten by happy birds.  I’m hoping the happy birds will then drop happy bird droppings on our car instead of the sad or solum droppings that they now drop periodically.  Because that would make me happy.   Not as happy as, say, not having the droppings hit my car at all, but better than sad droppings.  That’s why you should compost, too.

What environmentally friendly/fiendly things do you participate in?  Not “earth day” which is just a joke, but real things that you feel emotionally involved in like driving a Hummer or a Prius?

Squaredance

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There is nothing like country music and line dancing to make you wish you married your sister.  Or if you don’t have a sister, maybe you wish you lost a dog or something.

Squaredancing on the other hand makes you wish that you had coordination enough to dance more sophisticated dances like you see people doing in theater productions.  Don’t get me wrong, squaredancing is fun because its easy, but after evaluating my ability to play simon says where every call is something simon said, I’m ready to take on dancing with the average Joe.  Its like reality TV only its reality.  I have relatives who went to school for dance, I have even more relatives who ballroom dance, but its just not in me.  When I have danced ‘improvised dance’ I think that some people present were ready to call 911 to make sure that the ambulance was hurrying because the convulsions were getting worse.

This last Saturday our church had a dance – but it was a square dance.  Various members of the congregation stayed home because they had some sense, but we wanted our girls to be able to have fun.  And fun they did have [<- that sentence was so Yoda, I don’t know where it came from].  And we as adults had fun.  It was the first time I’d danced with my wife in public since we got married.  8.5 years of not knowing that the easiest way for me to dance with Jessica was to take up square dancing.

I think next year I need to wear suspenders.

You Can Buy ANYTHING on eBay

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I have written in the past about eBay and man breasts. Today I think that I found out about eBay and breasts of all sorts. While reading a blog (that to my knowledge does not write about nude breasts every day) I saw this advertisement and just had to snap a shot:

a naughty advertisement

I never thought that you could buy those sorts of things online – I thought it took a plastic surgeon or a pixel surgeon.

Bigotry at the Bowling Alley

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I wanted to point out that the below image [click to view in a larger size] is a sign of bigotry:

Bigotry at the Bowling Alley

Tell me you didn’t love that double entendre.  This blonde, British baby is clearly not allowed to stick its hand into the ball return.  This sort of discrimination makes me sad.  Why can’t the blonde, mullet wearing babies of Britain stick their hands into the ball return?  This must stop.  I demand answers.

I have one last thing to say: Frank Thomas. [Psst.  That’s an inside joke with someone who probably doesn’t even read this blog]

I’m Not Cleaning That Shelf

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Today at the deli, where I almost didn’t buy my deli meat I overheard an employee going over a health inspection sheet that apparently stated that some areas of the deli be cleaned by next inspection.  This is good, I’m not concerned that they needed to work on some areas because that is just normal for businesses.  I was, however, concerned that the lady was then broadcasting that she was not going to be cleaning that shelf!  “You have to actually move stuff on that shelf, you can’t just wipe around things,” she said.

I think I’ll be shopping at another ‘super’ market.  That’s just not super, and its not marketable.  [lies start here] I can get away with not washing my feet because I’d have to actually bend down to wash them, but I don’t believe any health inspectors will be evaluating how clean they are for preparing food on [lies end hear].

2% Milk

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Jessica went to Starbucks today and ordered some tea.  After asking the gal which teas they had that would not curdle the milk and having the gal tell her that all teas caused milk to curdle (which is simply not true), Jessica talked her into putting milk in with some sort of tea choice.

Jessica asked, “Can I have two percent milk, please?”

The gal looked at Jessica and said, “I usually put in half milk, half water.”

I wish I was making this up.