This evening, after picking Abigail up from my parents, Abby said something that made me proud: She said, “We killed the bugs, Dad.” Seeing as how that’s a lot of what I’ve been doing the last couple days I liked the idea of my daughter helping.
Category Archives: Word Play
End Times Fiasco
If you thought that end times debates and movies were bad (examples: Water World, The Postman and Dances with Wolves) you should check out this disservice: jacqueline stallone’s rumpology. This is future telling by the tale end. Or to put it another way: How to tell your future with your fanny. I’m sure the puns and such could go on for some time, but I just had to share this insane site.
Tips on Photographing Children
Photographing children is tough, especially when I’m photographing Abby. I recommend that if you’re going to photograph children that you sedate them with strong, doctor prescribed, medications. Make part of your initial consultation a direct instruction for sedatives. Worst case scenario you discover that the client doesn’t want to use you. because you’re a drug dependent hack.
Legal Disclaimer:
This is satire. I do not in any way suggest that people really use drugs to limit the mobility of children, cause children to obey, sleep, wake up, breath or anything else. Say no to drugs. Unless you’re diabetic or have issues with depression, cancer, HIV/AIDS, hypertension, heart disease, gum disease, certs disease or any other disease of the small breath freshener variety. As the father of a two year old I strongly encourage you to never run with scissors, play doctor in a co-ed situation, run by the pool, run in the street, run for president or wear pantyhose with a run in it. Furthermore I won’t tolerate any sort of comment suggesting that this isn’t right. Nor is it left. In fact if you’re right handed, left handed or ambidextrous I don’t care. Except for if you’re left handed and I’m married to you. You know who you are.
Bovine Blaze
Some of you may have seen this report wherein we find that there is a huge pile of cow poop flaming… and it won’t go out. I don’t find this particularly problematic because
- The poop is not on fire inside the cows
- I’ve watched Envy and realize it could be a lot worse.
- The fire is so far away from me I don’t notice it
- People have been cooking food over fecal fires for a long time. Here’s an example from the Bible. Just as long as the meat gets cooked to FDA regulations.
Also, if cows are responsible for a large amount of methane then we should harness this and then we’d be cooking with gas.
Democrats Call Rice Liar
With a headline like this I couldn’t pass it up: ABC News: Democrats Call Rice Liar, Bush Apologist. Isn’t politics a nasty business? I think they should remove the plank from their eye before they worry about Rice’s splinter.
In other news, pots and kettles are both black.
Read Words the Way They Were Meant to Be Read
I love it when I read something that just is so redundant or such a non-statement that I think, “I would probably write that on my blog… as a pun, one liner or joke.” Take for example this blog entry by one of the big-wigs at General Motors. It has a classic statement in it that only a seasoned executive or crumby writer like myself could make:
We want Pontiac to be a performance-oriented division offering vehicles that can really be driven the way vehicles are meant to be driven.
Now I will point out that he goes on to clarify this statement, but that would be no fun to just concede and go home a quitter. No, I want to think about the alternative methods that you could drive a car:
- From the back seat like I do when I’m a passenger
- Blindfolded. This would just rock, or at least for about 5 seconds it would. Once out of ‘park’ or neutral, you’d be hosed.
- Two wheels. What would happen if you were to attempt to drive on only two wheels? I can do this on a skateboard (or Tony Hawk can on my Playstation 2), why not do it in a car?
- In reverse. Think of the joys of having your transmission installed incorrectly and actually being able to go 95 miles per hour in reverse. Tell me that you don’t want to try this at least once.
Now, remember this is all just in fun and that you need to read this as words were meant to be read: in a mirror.
Reduced Fat Applesauce Muffins
I don’t know how apple sauce thickens into muffins (I hope smurfs are not involved) but my sister is now blogging, and most of it is recipes. Here’s one of them: Becky Cooks: Reduced Fat Applesauce Muffins
Gas
Happy Thirtieth Birthday Dave! You old fart. There’s nothing like getting older to remind us of eternity. I know that turning 27 was hard for me, mostly because my wife started telling me I was past my prime 😉 Now I have to work out at the gym, drink Ensure and I get really interested in certain commercials 😉 But enough about me.
I hope that your birthday is especially bright because your little one is relaxed, your wife is smiling as beautifully as ever and your car doesn’t get stuck in a snow drift. Oh, that’s not too likely there, but the snow is really coming down here.
Loan Ranger
So we’re getting ready to meet the load arranger to start the (scary as heck) process of buying a house. There are several fears I deal with in all of this:
- Lack of knowledge about what’s going on
- Lack of control
- Lack of resale value
I like control, I like knowing that I’m doing something the right way, and preferrably the best way. However, in this process I know it’s not going to be the best way, but it will be the way we can do it (I don’t have 20%+ down). However, I don’t understand how the whole process goes, and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to ‘get it’ quickly.
Because I don’t have a complete knowledge of the process and all of the terms involved I feel like I lack control.
Since the housing market is in constant flux I fear that the value of any home I may purchase will suddenly plummet because of any various change that may strike us, our neighborhood or the market in general. For instance, what if our Jerry Springer neighbors that live above us move into our neighborhood and bring the value of the homes down? I can’t imagine that driving by and hearing a young male scream, “You [words I wouldn’t type on my blog]! I’m going to [other words I won’t type] kill you!” I’m pretty sure that will cause some neighbors to want to move, and others to just call the police. Any regularity of either of those will bring the property value down. Also, what if Satan moves into our neighborhood and makes the Jerry Springer neighbors look good? This too is guaranteed to make the prices of the homes in the area go to hell [gosh that one liner amuses me]. And, lastly, what if the housing bubble that some have described us being in pops and I find myself paying the mortgage for a $230,000 house that is actually only worth $150,00 since Microsoft declared bankruptcy, WalMart bought out Target and Bill Clinton won a third term? Think of the catastophes!
So, as usual, I just need to trust God and seek His wisdom while all of this goes down. Pray for us in this as it’s going to be a bumpy ride and I’m going to have to go to the dentist in a week.
Corn Girl
This afternoon when I put Abby down for her nap her breath smelled of corn chips that she’d had a little earlier with lunch. I said to her, “Good night, Corn Girl.” After about 30 seconds I heard her yelling through her closed bedroom door, “I’m Guacamole Girl!”
My mistake!