Category Archives: Word Play
Ture Love
I just got a spam that was in some oriental language. Sorry, I don’t know which one. I’d sure hate to misrepresent the spammer as being any particular nationality when in fact they’re not that nationality. Mostly because I’d sure hate to have said that ‘ture love’ doesn’t exist in America, but it does in Korea, China, Japan or Hawaii*. Especially when we have such historical movie precedense as the Princess Bride wherein we find a priest with such a fun speach impediment that True Love sounds more like ‘twoo wub.’ This can only help to confuse those who speak Engrish as a second language. If you have any doubt, Crick Here. Anyway, the only English in the whole email was ‘Ture Love.’ Which I’m pretty sure is a guaranteed way to get click throughs that earn them millions of yen, pesos or dollars.
I hate maps**.
* Woops, Hawaii is part of the United States, my bad.
** I mean spam, but (s)he typoed first.
Boldly Taking the I’Pod Where No Man Has Gone Before
Well, sort of. UK company launches in-car toilet called Indipod.
Via Dave Barry.
Dead Tom’s Dead… Long John Shot ‘im
A post I started earlier this month but never published (I’ve trimmed it down to be more focused than the original):
This title of this post is a quote from the fantastically funny Muppet’s Treasure Island. However, it has very little to do with this post, and for that I apologize which is typical. Today, while standing in line at Safeway I was looking at the high quality media coverage of today’s top stars that was boldly proclaiming accurate headlines about the opinions of the stars and the supposedly accurate opinions of supposed stars. There, to my surprise, was a picture of Tom Cruise with Nicole Kidman Penelope Cruz Katie Holmes. To complete the surreal experience Safeway carefully chose to play the 80’s hit: Highway Through the Danger Zone. That’s right, from the 1986 movie Top Gun. Tommy was of course around 24 when that little flick was foisted upon the global population. Four years younger than Miss Holmes is now.
Lutherans
I saw one of the funniest license plate frames I’ve seen in a long time:
Lutherans, they’re not just good looks and jello.
You just don’t know what’s around the corner 🙂
Hi-Fi Satan
Well, we did it. We have gotten 666 tattooed onto our hands, on our foreheads and and our credit cards for good measure. OK, not really. We had basic cable installed. However, the first show that came up: Maurey Povich. That’s like having Satan beamed in on hi-fi.
I think that my favorite part will be the Jerry Springer Show at all hours of the day. Of course the televangelists come in clearly as well, and that’s just outright evil 😉
I Love You This… SMACK
This evening at dinner I was trying to be cute with my daughter but instead assaulted our waitress. There’s a cute kids book which has a parent telling their child that they love them “…this much.” Well, being a cute dad with a cute daughter in the middle of dinner I wanted to tell Abby how much I love her. I asked, “How much does daddy love you?” And then I stretched out my hands to say, “This much.” But instead of reaching out in the air I smacked our waitress in the chest. I swear that in some restaurants like Hooters that sort of thing is a little more common. Of course the patrons doing that have had at least several beers before that sort of chest smacking activity happens. I on the other hand merely had diet Coke in my system. To top that off I was sitting in front of my wife trying to demonstrate to my daughter love.
However, there was a happy ending: the couple at the table diagonal from us (booth really, but who’s counting?) had apparently given up communicating. The husband sat there looking ugly and bored while his wife was made up, wearing nice clothes and most likely trying to be his beautiful partner. Since cro-magnon man wasn’t keeping up his part of the relationship the gal took to reading every letter that was printed on all of the propaganda, menus and sugar wrappers at the table. I felt sorry for her: she is going to be one of the many women in the United States who has an affair because she finds a man who pays half-of-an-attention to her. The other man could be the pool cleaner, the Schwann’s man or the hired pooper-picker-upper who comes every Wednesday to pick up after ‘Pickles’ the family poodle.
The moral of this odd blog entry? Men, don’t accidentaly whack waitresses in the chest, it does not demonstrate love. Secondly, men: don’t take your wife on a date and then become the most rock-like object in the establishment. Thirdly, men, don’t whack your waitress with rocks… this is generally not as acceptable as leaving a 25¢ tip, and in some cultures could leave you dead and in the gutter. Fourthly, if you’re a waitress it is highly recommended that you learn how to put makeup on. Our waitress had so much base on I thought she was a low-rider. I think it is possible to wear more foundation, but you have to have a building permit.
Wow, that was a tacky play on words, I best go spend some time with my wife and unwind.
All the News that Fit to Rent
That’s Rent as in rip or tear. I was astonished this evening as I walked past our TV and heard a news caster actually say the words, “The Cardinal talked about the popes life and death…” while referring to the ceremony performed before the burial of the late Pope John-Paul-Ringo-George II. If you were going to a eulegy and upon arrival the miniser, cardinal, judge, spokesperson or general eulegizer-person spoke about their morning, how the local sports teams were doing and pretty much avoided talking about the dead person you would either think you were on a hidden camera show or you would be really surprised. Not this news gal, accurate news dictates that you state the overly obvious to make sure that those who have overactive imaginations (myself) weren’t confused and thinking that the thousands of attendees of the funeral and those watching on closed circuit television and the millions watching by braile were not being treated to a David Copperfield performance instead of the eulogy. What gives?
I’d like to also extend my imagination to the following area: If I was watching the news and the weatherman said, “The snow outside is cold.” I would probably change the channel. If I were watching the news and the sports guy said, “And Kobe Bryant nailed that one…” I’d have to wonder if he was referring to the recent trial or a b-ball game… and then change the channel. If I were watching the news and some poor sap was out, man-on-the-street style, interviewing folks about their opinion on the latest scandal in [pick pretty much any area of life] and he asked them, “Do you think that [said scandal] is wrong?” I would probably change the channel. I would not change the channel if they covered things like the local music scene, actual issues that are facing the community and how FedEx-Kinko’s is a really stupid name for a company. I would watch the news if it was worth watching. However, it is not. It is worth avoiding and just using news.google.com to see the latest highlights. If you want real news, you’ve got to make it yourself.
With that in mind I’m announcing my candidacy for the Vice President of the United States of Whatever America in the election of 2021. By then I figure I’ll have learned how to clearly communicate about important issues like political strategery, I’ll have learned how to clearly not stand strong on any issues, and most importantly I’ll have learned how to apply my toupee in such a way that it won’t flap in the wind when I have to appear outside for brief moments of PR. I don’t want to appear ‘homey’ [not homie] like Kerry did with Jonathan Edwards, I want to appear daring, bold and slightly untrustworthy so that when people see me next to the completely untrustworthy candidates I’m running against, I’ll be the lesser of two evils.
So, who’s with me? Who else wants to run for joint-vice-presidency? I don’t think one person can take that job on, but 4 or 5 may. We could be the Peterman-Smith-Jones-Wilson-Thomas vice-presidency party. We could stand for peace, truth, the American way, as well as the pledge of allegiance, which will have been severely re-written due to major law suits brought on by the ACLU, NRA and NOW. By then we may have a Bi-Camel legislation body if we can take over Iraq’s government cleanly. The other thing is that if we can run in 2021 we’ll be the only choice because everyone else will be running in 2020! We’ll totally kick bottom.
Boylan’s Natural Root Beer
If you’re like me… Wait, I start with that too often.
If you like root beer… No, everyone pretty much likes root beer.
If you hate drinking corn syrup in sodas because you know that its going to give you diabetes… No, that’s not right either.
I enjoy a new, to me, brand of Root Beer called Boylan’s Natural Root Beer. It doesn’t have corn syrup as a sweater sweetener so I can actually drink it. Corn Syrup as you know has been linked to obesity, higher risk of diabetes and smaller pinky toes on the rear right feet of some laboratory rats*. The root beer’s flavor is pretty good but I have noted that the acidity of my own body effects the flavor – in other words if you’ve been living on coffee for the last two months like I have it won’t taste quite as good as if you’ve just been eating pixy sticks and licking your walls in an insane asylum.
<aside>
Speaking of which, do they have sane asylums? “Sir, this man is perfectly fine, we must get hims safely to the sane asylum before the whacko’s get to him!”
</aside>
This root beer is particularly good with Breyer’s Natural Vanilla Ice Cream (also without rat foot shrinking corn syrup) in what is affectionately known as a “root beer float.” Much like the floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade root beer floats are a tradition, gather throngs of people, and are really rather boring if you watch them for hours. However, root beer floats are not meant to be watched, they’re to be drunk and chunks of ice cream spooned out of them. Now before anyone gets out of line and says something naughty, I don’t think that root beer can get you drunk. However, it can get you on a sugar high much like licking wallpaper and eating pixy sticks.
So I’ve written far too much satirical nonsense in this for you to seriously be thinking, “Thelma, fire up the ole’ Jalopy, we’re headin’ into town to buys us some carn s’rup free beer and wallpaper!” However, I do recommend that you look for this fine beverage in a store near you because it tastes good, is less likely to give you diabetes and it is more likely to get you on the stand of the latest Michael Jackson trial.
“Your Honor, the defense would like to ask this man what we was doing at Boy Land.”
“It’s not Boy Land! I simply was suggesting that people try Boylan’s root beer!”
Oh, and if you want the opinion of a Root Beer junky he thinks it’s just OK. However, I like it but am curious to try their other sodas given their high reviews on that previous link.
* It should be noted that this is only a guess and I cannot prove one little thing about lab rats toes. I haven’t even seen a rat toe since the last time I was at Razzoo’s. That is all.
Grey’s Anatomy
I don’t know if any of you have caught the annoyingly long and stupid looking commercials for the new show called ‘Grey’s Anatomy‘ but every time it goes on I think, “Why am I watching TV?” I also think shortly afterward, is this not ‘Saved by the Bell‘ meets ‘E.R.‘? This show looks like a bunch of kids got dropped into a hospital as if they thought they were going to Barney’s playhouse. And if I have to watch another commercial for a show where two people from work have sex and it makes them feel wonderfully good as if its a new concept for television, I’m going to start printing out all of my spam and sending it to the show’s producer’s teenaged daughters and sons. And if the producers don’t have any of those I’m going to print out my spam and send it to the producer’s mothers (in case they have more than one). And if that doesn’t get things across I’m going to just have to shoot my television. And if that doesn’t work I’m going to take an English class and learn how to right fewer run-on sentences. Oh, and I’ll learn that starting a sentence with ‘And’ is a bad writing no-no. One punishable by forcing the perpetrator to watch hours of television without any reprieve except to go to the bathroom (with a time limit) and only being allowed to eat dry rice cereal with water.
And if that doesn’t work…