This evening at dinner I was trying to be cute with my daughter but instead assaulted our waitress. There’s a cute kids book which has a parent telling their child that they love them “…this much.” Well, being a cute dad with a cute daughter in the middle of dinner I wanted to tell Abby how much I love her. I asked, “How much does daddy love you?” And then I stretched out my hands to say, “This much.” But instead of reaching out in the air I smacked our waitress in the chest. I swear that in some restaurants like Hooters that sort of thing is a little more common. Of course the patrons doing that have had at least several beers before that sort of chest smacking activity happens. I on the other hand merely had diet Coke in my system. To top that off I was sitting in front of my wife trying to demonstrate to my daughter love.

However, there was a happy ending: the couple at the table diagonal from us (booth really, but who’s counting?) had apparently given up communicating. The husband sat there looking ugly and bored while his wife was made up, wearing nice clothes and most likely trying to be his beautiful partner. Since cro-magnon man wasn’t keeping up his part of the relationship the gal took to reading every letter that was printed on all of the propaganda, menus and sugar wrappers at the table. I felt sorry for her: she is going to be one of the many women in the United States who has an affair because she finds a man who pays half-of-an-attention to her. The other man could be the pool cleaner, the Schwann’s man or the hired pooper-picker-upper who comes every Wednesday to pick up after ‘Pickles’ the family poodle.

The moral of this odd blog entry? Men, don’t accidentaly whack waitresses in the chest, it does not demonstrate love. Secondly, men: don’t take your wife on a date and then become the most rock-like object in the establishment. Thirdly, men, don’t whack your waitress with rocks… this is generally not as acceptable as leaving a 25¢ tip, and in some cultures could leave you dead and in the gutter. Fourthly, if you’re a waitress it is highly recommended that you learn how to put makeup on. Our waitress had so much base on I thought she was a low-rider. I think it is possible to wear more foundation, but you have to have a building permit.

Wow, that was a tacky play on words, I best go spend some time with my wife and unwind.