Category Archives: Satire

This is completely fake and bogus – no insult is intended, but complete laughter is desired.

IT Geek says Matrix is so 1992

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In an interview with an anonymous IT geek who went by the screen name of ‘1337hozer’ I learned that while many geeks enjoyed the Matrix for its very interesting approach to special effects, philosophical implications and Carrie Anne Moss some were really disturbed that Neo, the main character and hero of the Matrix series and the rest of the gang ‘plugged into the matrix.’

Come on! Wireless would so be the norm of the time if they had hovercrafts that were polidirectional in their control.

Other geeks were not available to comment as my Internet Explorer browser contracted yet another virus.

By A. Macintosh

Harry Potter 6

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If you’re a big Harry Potter fan, and I’d say that’s all of my readers except you, you can pre-order the sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, at amazon.com. Of course if you’re like me you’ve never read one of them. I’ve only seen one and a half of the movies. I have noted that various political figures keep making reference to it to get the young voters out. I don’t think that “John Kerry Went to Hogwart’s” bumper stickers will turn the next election around. Of course if Hillary Clinton runs then there’ll be a really good chance for them to win if they can use “This Witch is from New York” stickers. They will be popular at least in California and elementary school classrooms.

Tips on Photographing Children

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Photographing children is tough, especially when I’m photographing Abby. I recommend that if you’re going to photograph children that you sedate them with strong, doctor prescribed, medications. Make part of your initial consultation a direct instruction for sedatives. Worst case scenario you discover that the client doesn’t want to use you. because you’re a drug dependent hack.

Legal Disclaimer:
This is satire. I do not in any way suggest that people really use drugs to limit the mobility of children, cause children to obey, sleep, wake up, breath or anything else. Say no to drugs. Unless you’re diabetic or have issues with depression, cancer, HIV/AIDS, hypertension, heart disease, gum disease, certs disease or any other disease of the small breath freshener variety. As the father of a two year old I strongly encourage you to never run with scissors, play doctor in a co-ed situation, run by the pool, run in the street, run for president or wear pantyhose with a run in it. Furthermore I won’t tolerate any sort of comment suggesting that this isn’t right. Nor is it left. In fact if you’re right handed, left handed or ambidextrous I don’t care. Except for if you’re left handed and I’m married to you. You know who you are.

The Wrong Trousers

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If you’ve ever watched ‘Wallace and Gromit,’ and lets face it, if you’ve watched Chicken Run, you’ve seen the animation work of the people behind Wallace and Gromit, then you might have seen the ‘Wrong Trousers.’ episode. This post has nothing to do with that. I just liked the name of the episode and so therefore I’ve titled this post such.

I’d like to warn Colorado in general that my new niece will be arriving at Denver International Airport next month towards the middle and I’m going to be overly protective of her so that she and her family are safe. If you notice that traffic is at a standstill between the 11th through the 15th next month it is only because I’ve blocked all of the major highways so that my family can safely travel where they need to.

If this sounds excessive, just remember that another important person, President Bush, got the same treatment when he came to town. Sure, Hawley’s a bit younger, probably hasn’t formed any political opinions and doesn’t run the country, but she’s important and I just want you to understand in case you are slightly put out by having to be late to work, lunch, dinner or the bahamas.

That is all.

Lessons in Swimming Part II

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We went to swimming lessons again this morning and I learned something very important: don’t suck water into your mouth when attempting to breathe while doing the ‘Free Style’ stroke. Apparenlty sucking water into your mouth during other strokes is acceptable. I also learned that the ‘Back Stroke’ is not a massage technique and that it too requires some finesse. As you know I’m loaded with finesse so the swimming came quite easily to me. I was like a duck out of hell water there in that pool.

Apparently my old war injury in my shoulder makes it so that when I bring my left arm around something that resembles a really out of balance tire happens. There is no circle, it’s more like a wobbly limb waving around like a wobbly limb. I suppose it’s better than waving around like a wobbly lamb, but not much better. I was able to get the back stroke down all right after several laps. Unfortunately I’m so tired right now that the word plays above were actually funny to me. I suppose this is a good thing since my desk-jockey life involves as much exercise as that of a person who watches TV all day.

Next week we’re apparently going to be tackling the butterfly stroke. As graceful as that stroke is I’m sure that it’s going to look like I’m tackling it. On the football field. In swimming trunks. Wearing no goggles because the only good ones cost more than I’m willing to part with for the short duration of this class. Of course if I want to make the money we paid for this class useful I’m going to have to continue on with my swimming. I guess we’ll have to buy a house with a pool or a really, really, really big toilette.

Tips on Playing Doctor

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My two year old, dearest Abby, loves to play doctor. Wherein she insists on shoving a fake plastic thermometer into my mouth. Wherein I refuse and get in trouble with ‘Dr. Abby.’ However, it’s safer that way because I know that she has no concept of what sterility is, cleanliness is and generally no sense of hygiene. I love to play with her, but I have to draw the line somewhere because just like working 168 hours a week you might be able to do it, but it would eventually come back to bite. I might actually have to go to the real doctor to fix the ailment that I got from the two year old doctor.

So, I recommend the following:
Over react to everything you pretend have. Make a big stink about being sick
Don’t let anything actually get into your mouth.
Don’t actually take any of the pills that a young doctor might try to cram into your face
Above all fake the intake of the item, whatever it may be. If it looks like you got it into you, the world is a better place.
Lastly, don’t play doctor too long, come up with other things to do together, like playing stuntman who jumps out of tall trees. Then, when you get injured you can really go to the doctor.

Dear Camera Part III

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Dear Coolpix Camera,
How was your stay at the repair center? I know you’re nearing completion and you’ll soon be ready to come home. I can’t wait to see you and be able to use the new external flash as well as take great pictures of Abby. Although you’ll miss Christmas this year, I do know that you’ll enjoy the overall trip to California since you haven’t been there before [to my knowledge]. I really hope that you can get here in time for New Years so I can take pictures of Abby asleep on someone’s shoulders while we party like its 1599.

Glad you’ll be home soon. Wish you were here.

Randy

High of…

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So tomorrow it’s supposed to be 23 degrees. Hope, that would be warm. Actually, the forecast is for it to be a high of 3 degrees. A low of -6. Of course all of that is Fahrenheit. Which reminds me of a Ray Bradbury book in which these guys are all driving around in beetles and then they’re burning books and then this one gal is watching TV and then the alarm goes off and the coffee maker turns on and then the toast pops out of the toaster oven and then you discover that it wasn’t a dream, everyone’s dead but the automation keeps going. Or something like that.

Milk

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This morning we discovered that we were out of milk with the exception of about 3 millimeters at the botton of the whole milk jug. So, I hauled my close onto my body and my rear-end to the King-Soopers to buy milk and eggs.
Query:
Who in the heck came up with the name ‘King-Soopers.’
Answer
Someone with the whitty intellect to also come up with ‘Krispy Kream KDoughnuts’ or ‘Medicine Shoppe*.’

I think I have a a low tollerance for odd spellings or blatantly wrong spellings for words. That being said I’m the purpotrator of ‘StatTraq,’ but that is paying homage to my French-Canadian rue-ts. *

For the record I’m not French, Canadian or Roots; I’m white.

* note: I worked at the Medicine Shoppe in Carson City in High School. It is now not a Medicine Shoppe pharmacy.

No Camera. Day II

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Dear Camera,
Today I saw the case you normally ride in. It was empty and I missed you. I wanted to take you out and shoot something with you but there were no objects to shoot and there was no camera to shoot with. I hope that the nice people at FedEx Ground are taking good care of you. The man that packed you up sounded like a nice guy and he seemed to know what he was doing, but I hope that he’s not a mentally-sick fellow who wanted to hurt me because I was wearing a reddish-maroon sweatshirt with the word ‘Hoosiers’ on it. I wonder if he misread it and thought it said ‘hosers’ on it and therefore thought I was making fun of him. If that’s the case you’re doomed – I’m sorry for wearing the ‘hosers’ sweatshirt now because it may have put your fragile little lense in danger.

Of course maybe he was just a really nice guy just charging me for breathing FedEx-Kinko’s air. I hope that the air that is in the bubble wrap that he was going to use was from outside of FedEx-Kinko’s so that I could not have to pay for that air, too.

Greenwood Village is a little overcast today… wish you were here.