Category Archives: Satire

This is completely fake and bogus – no insult is intended, but complete laughter is desired.

Poor Italian Girl Totally Gets Blown Off

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So there’s a commercial on TV for some sort of low carb pasta that comes on with this mother and daughter going into a store. The store looks so expensive that I would probably have to take out a small loan or donate some organs to afford to shop at… once. In the background the commercial has some Italian opera music. I don’t know what the guy is singing about so I often join in with an English translation that I can only assume reflects the intents of the original lyrics in my native tongue.

However, the middle of the commercial shows this girl lifting up one of the pristine boxes of noodles that the competition sells. Since the mother is health conscious and wants the rest of her Italian family to live the Adkin’s lifestyle she shakes her head, ‘no,’ and holds up a box of [marketed brand name here] noodles. Then, they show the woman lifting a noodle on the end of a fork into her mouth. The camera changes angles and she actually ‘chews’ a noodle. Or so it seems. Actually showing anyone masticating like that is not sexy, therefore they show this part from a great distance (which shows that this family has some serious cash since their kitchen can handle a distant shot panning around the room).

Then, to further insult us they show a family of four: a man, the woman, the girl, and a boy all sitting at the table eating some sort of pasta dish. However, these must be droid children because the fact that the sauce is so sparse on the noodles makes it look like they’re just eating a plate of these low-carb noodles with bits of tomato for decoration. No United States of America born child actually eats noodles plain, they drench them in so much sauce that the noodles become a medium for the sauce. In most homes it probably looks like a Tomato based soup with noodles in it.

I still insist that the opera words go something like this:
A woman and her daughter
Love to buy noodles
The daughter is skinny
The Mom is anorexic
[it should be noted that the words don’t rhyme because this is a direct translation, word for word].

The mom is on Adkin’s
Please put it back kid
I’m the boss
Don’t mess with me

She looks so sultry
Eating the noodles
Look how her fork glimmers
In her sexy hand
[Those Italians know sex sells]

The family is eating
Smile or a beating [that rhyme was not intentional]
We’re so stereotypical
It makes you want to throw up

ACLU and Spammers Join Forces to Stop Blacklists

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The American Civil Liberty Union has joined forces with various spammers around the United States to try to close down various so called ‘blacklisting services.’ Attorney M. Jackson, Esq. was quoted as saying, ”This is outrageous that bigotry against people of color and people who send emails is tolerated in this country. Especially since this technology has been developed after the civil rights movement, much of it within the last five to ten years! We will stop these propagators of racism and bring freedom to email senders as well.” An un-named representative of the spammers, going by the pseudonym 5p@//.//.R has publicly released a statement on aclyou-and-spammers-untie.valium4all.ebay.phishingscam.com stating:

“Why do system admins have to be haterz? We just want to make money like everyone else. We are joining forces with the ACLU to help stop racism and bl@cklisting as a whole.”

Links to other sites from that page included ‘Asian women’, ‘Black Teens’ and various other sexually oriented content involving various races and live stock. Apparently this is to show support for the people of color in the nation that the ACLU is promoting as well as the spammer’s bank accounts.

Representatives of the blacklisting sites were unable to reply due to DOS attacks coming from IP addresses in the China and zombie AOL user machines.

The Piano Movers are Coming

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The Piano movers bring with them an old piano from the year 1372 and a half, predating all other pianos by several hundred years. Actually, it’s not that old. It is however the piano I composed quite a few original tunes on – none of which I can play any longer because its been so long since I had a piano in my possession. The piano was given to my parents by Christopher Columbus upon arriving in California. They traded it to him for some corn, wheat and fish. He said, “Though canst have mine pinano [SIC] if thine food doth sustaineth me.” Which, for a Italian was pretty good English. My parents, being 20th century metropolitan folks said to each other, “This guy must have been hanging out with all of the other hippies – I can’t understand most of what he is saying.”

And so the piano became a family heirloom.

I am looking forward to having this piano in my home until my parents get another dwelling that they can store such things in. It will give me a chance to polish up my chops so that I can sound like ‘Fats’ Waller, ‘Fats’ Domino and many other Adkins diet inspired piano players. I also hope to play a little Tchaikovski, as Victor Borge said, very little.

You see, I’m a lazy bum when it comes to playing sheet music. My sister-in-law Becca plays very well and is quite accomplished. I measure my accomplishments differently simply because if I look that far up in the piano world I get a kink in my neck and I have to go immediately to Boardwalk, pay $200.00 passing ‘Go’ and then head straight to the Chiropractor. So, I play, I have fun, and I mash up my favorite Beatles Piano hits with the mirriad Beasty Boy piano hits until no one recognizes it… then I call it Jazz.

I’ll try to record some of this ‘so called’ music some time.

Update: It’s hear, and in as sound a coundition as this piano can be. The movers were quick, courteous, and tried not to make fun of this shabby old ‘pinano’.

Post Script: Abby calls it a ‘pinano’.

To the White Honda Behind Me Last Night: Thank You!

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Yes, you, Mr. Speedy Pants. Thanks for riding my bumper all the way across the Dam Road. Thank you for swerving as if you wanted to speed around me while I was carrying my pregnant wife and precious two year old. Thank you for endangering my life, the lives of my family members and the lives of others on the road. We appreciate it.

Signed,

Randy Peterman

Post Script: Please move to Florida where that sort of driving is the norm.

Fold Art

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No, not Origami, it’s a spoonerism. I’m finding that in my old age I just have a harder time empathyzing with younger teenagers. It could be any combination of things, but I’m going to give you a list of a few:

  • There is a growing age gap
  • There is a growing culture gap
  • I could be talking to all the wrong teenagers (don’t take that wrong)
  • Most young teenagers don’t know about the Far Side
  • I’m wearing the wrong clothes
  • I’m married and obviously must not have a clue about Jr. High drama
  • I don’t care for the clothes of the 1970’s 1980’s and the fashion is coming back therefore I look like a goofy 1990’s wannabe.
  • My sophisticated word humor including puns, spoonerisms and general vocabulary confuse them [“his lips are moving, I hear sounds, but I don’t know what he’s saying.” or, “Stewardess, I speak Jive.”]

In short I’m a relic at 27.5 years of age. I’m considering taking up cave dwelling and combing over my hair like my ancestors before me**

**not really, I’ve got a mortgage and my hair will never be combed over unless I’m incapacitated and the nurses are cruel to me.

Labor and Delivery Preparation

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Well, the baby is still a while off, but Jessica is in the other room watching videos about labor and delivery that I’m supposed to watch with her later (I’m working right now so I can’t watch them right now. You can tell I’m working because I’m writing this blog entry). I can’t here everything that’s being said on the DVD, which is a good thing but the parts I’m picking up on are a little… well… scary? I guess I’m just not used to hearing the name of female body parts bandied about quite like they are on the video.

This is the part where I have to buck up and get past my slight embarassment, extreme awkwardness and just get ready for an extremely unpleasant time. For my wife. I get to watch and feel weird but she gets to do the actual labor and delivery part while I look on like a stupid man who’s never going to get it. And it’s true, I’ll never understand. I’ve been told that there are painful things that men can go through that have about the same pain level as labor and delivery… but I think those kinds of pains you have to pay for like fixed broken, hang nails, ears pierced and eating ice cream.

It’s tough to be a guy.

Leave it to Cliffhanger

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Jessica just finished watching the season finale of Alias. What a cliff hanger. I don’t know this by personal experience, I was judging a CSS competition in my office. However, I heard the shock in her voice and ran out to make sure that there were not bugs on the floor in front of her. No, she was just stunned by the ending of the show. What’s worse? She’s going to complain about not knowing what happened (or what will happen) until next fall when ABC interrupts their mediocre line of reality shows with episodes of Lost and Alias.

This all got me to thinking: what would Leave it to Beaver be like with cliff hanger endings? Given the ‘endings’ of Bat-Man episodes would they go something like:
“Will June finish mopping the floor before Ward gets home?”
“Will the Beaver clean his room in time for the party?”
and
“Will Wally be able to get more hair gel before his big date?”

Stay tuned for next season’s exciting conclusion… Yuck!

All the News that Fit to Rent

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That’s Rent as in rip or tear. I was astonished this evening as I walked past our TV and heard a news caster actually say the words, “The Cardinal talked about the popes life and death…” while referring to the ceremony performed before the burial of the late Pope John-Paul-Ringo-George II. If you were going to a eulegy and upon arrival the miniser, cardinal, judge, spokesperson or general eulegizer-person spoke about their morning, how the local sports teams were doing and pretty much avoided talking about the dead person you would either think you were on a hidden camera show or you would be really surprised. Not this news gal, accurate news dictates that you state the overly obvious to make sure that those who have overactive imaginations (myself) weren’t confused and thinking that the thousands of attendees of the funeral and those watching on closed circuit television and the millions watching by braile were not being treated to a David Copperfield performance instead of the eulogy. What gives?

I’d like to also extend my imagination to the following area: If I was watching the news and the weatherman said, “The snow outside is cold.” I would probably change the channel. If I were watching the news and the sports guy said, “And Kobe Bryant nailed that one…” I’d have to wonder if he was referring to the recent trial or a b-ball game… and then change the channel. If I were watching the news and some poor sap was out, man-on-the-street style, interviewing folks about their opinion on the latest scandal in [pick pretty much any area of life] and he asked them, “Do you think that [said scandal] is wrong?” I would probably change the channel. I would not change the channel if they covered things like the local music scene, actual issues that are facing the community and how FedEx-Kinko’s is a really stupid name for a company. I would watch the news if it was worth watching. However, it is not. It is worth avoiding and just using news.google.com to see the latest highlights. If you want real news, you’ve got to make it yourself.

With that in mind I’m announcing my candidacy for the Vice President of the United States of Whatever America in the election of 2021. By then I figure I’ll have learned how to clearly communicate about important issues like political strategery, I’ll have learned how to clearly not stand strong on any issues, and most importantly I’ll have learned how to apply my toupee in such a way that it won’t flap in the wind when I have to appear outside for brief moments of PR. I don’t want to appear ‘homey’ [not homie] like Kerry did with Jonathan Edwards, I want to appear daring, bold and slightly untrustworthy so that when people see me next to the completely untrustworthy candidates I’m running against, I’ll be the lesser of two evils.

So, who’s with me? Who else wants to run for joint-vice-presidency? I don’t think one person can take that job on, but 4 or 5 may. We could be the Peterman-Smith-Jones-Wilson-Thomas vice-presidency party. We could stand for peace, truth, the American way, as well as the pledge of allegiance, which will have been severely re-written due to major law suits brought on by the ACLU, NRA and NOW. By then we may have a Bi-Camel legislation body if we can take over Iraq’s government cleanly. The other thing is that if we can run in 2021 we’ll be the only choice because everyone else will be running in 2020! We’ll totally kick bottom.

What’s Martha Stewart’s Anti-Aging Secret

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Jessica, my lovely bride, subscribes to Martha Stewart: Living. Which, for the last 5 months has been really different because as you all know she’s been in jail smuggling food and teaching the inmates how to spruce up their cells. There’s nothing like opening up what used to be a home and cooking magazine to find articles on “Bars: How to keep a lustrous shine on one of your four walls.” However, what really concerns me is how Martha Stewart is reportedly 63 and yet when I see pictures of her she looks no more than 45. What’s her secret?

Did she make a pact with the Stay-Puffed marshmallow man so that she’ll stay young instead of puffed? Does she use one of the many rejuvenating products that are advertised in her magazine? Or, is she really like Oprah who has a rather warn older looking face but before each show they put on a pound of makeup and she looks like her usually, jovial, talk-show self? Maybe she made a pact with El Diablo and for each month she was in prison he took 5 years off of her appearance age-wise. Or, and I think this has the highest chance of being the reason: She’s had herself cloned.

There are actually three Martha Stewarts in various stages of disrepair, a fourth is in the works so that she’ll still look 45 when the first two have been dead for some time. Of course this means that she’ll never have her own postage stamp because you have to be dead for ten years to have your own postage stamp, and with the cloning she’ll never actually be dead the way most people have been dead in the past. Of course she’ll be in good company, the Dali Lama keeps getting reincarnated so he can’t have a postage stamp either.

What’s your guess?