So there’s a commercial on TV for some sort of low carb pasta that comes on with this mother and daughter going into a store. The store looks so expensive that I would probably have to take out a small loan or donate some organs to afford to shop at… once. In the background the commercial has some Italian opera music. I don’t know what the guy is singing about so I often join in with an English translation that I can only assume reflects the intents of the original lyrics in my native tongue.

However, the middle of the commercial shows this girl lifting up one of the pristine boxes of noodles that the competition sells. Since the mother is health conscious and wants the rest of her Italian family to live the Adkin’s lifestyle she shakes her head, ‘no,’ and holds up a box of [marketed brand name here] noodles. Then, they show the woman lifting a noodle on the end of a fork into her mouth. The camera changes angles and she actually ‘chews’ a noodle. Or so it seems. Actually showing anyone masticating like that is not sexy, therefore they show this part from a great distance (which shows that this family has some serious cash since their kitchen can handle a distant shot panning around the room).

Then, to further insult us they show a family of four: a man, the woman, the girl, and a boy all sitting at the table eating some sort of pasta dish. However, these must be droid children because the fact that the sauce is so sparse on the noodles makes it look like they’re just eating a plate of these low-carb noodles with bits of tomato for decoration. No United States of America born child actually eats noodles plain, they drench them in so much sauce that the noodles become a medium for the sauce. In most homes it probably looks like a Tomato based soup with noodles in it.

I still insist that the opera words go something like this:
A woman and her daughter
Love to buy noodles
The daughter is skinny
The Mom is anorexic
[it should be noted that the words don’t rhyme because this is a direct translation, word for word].

The mom is on Adkin’s
Please put it back kid
I’m the boss
Don’t mess with me

She looks so sultry
Eating the noodles
Look how her fork glimmers
In her sexy hand
[Those Italians know sex sells]

The family is eating
Smile or a beating [that rhyme was not intentional]
We’re so stereotypical
It makes you want to throw up