Category Archives: Satire

This is completely fake and bogus – no insult is intended, but complete laughter is desired.

Technology Vs. the Lawyers

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So the music industry is slowly warming to digital content distribution (MP3’s, WMA’s, and “live” concerts with Ashlee Simpson). However, the Movie industry is now cycling in about 5 or more years late. They’ve got their lawyers out en force working on suing the peer-to-peer (P2P) networks. What is so amazing is that companies like Microsoft have developed digital rights management software and Tivo uses some similar controls to limit what or how things can be recorded. However, people can get things recorded digitally all sorts of other ways. Limiting the P2P networks seems to be short sighted and it really isn’t going to stop them. Sharers will jump to other networks or other methods.

This kind of reminds me of the Boston Tea Party: the colonists didn’t like getting caught for smuggling – and when the Brits closed in, they went off and of course you know what happened next: they polluted the ocean and the environmentalists in Britain revolted to let the United States get formed to help save the fish.

I don’t know where I was going with that, but there you go!

Bye-Bye, Baby

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So today I sent in my Nikon camera to the factory to be fixed. The speed flash stopped working so I had to send it in for repair. I took it down to my local FedEx-Kinko’s where they’re reportedly going to ship it. I paid extra big money to have it wrapped carefully, shipped in a box 6 times it’s size full of peanuts and carried by ballerinas on their tip-toes. I also paid to have the guy behind the counter breathe as well as talk to other customers. In fact, the whole experience felt like FedEx was billing me for my time in their store. There’s something magical about that extreme form of capitalism called ‘Shipping – Copying – Printing.’ It makes you feel like a useless slave bound to their rules. Therefore, I’m going to start RandyEx where I’ll ship copies of your printings for 3000X profit and become independently wealthy after only 7 weeks on my new diet plan.

I hope my camera comes back OK.

Complete Chicken Genome Sequenced

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Due in large part to the help of the folks at www.subservientchicken.com scientists have sequenced the complete Chicken Genome.

What will we do with the chicken genome? We’ll learn about how to reduce chicken health problems, see how chickens and humans are related genomically and also learn how to make a better chicken salad sandwich. People for the Treatment of Edible Animals were extatic about advances in super-chickens and chickens in military uses.

One professor at Deep Southern Rural Alabama School of Holy Oaks Baptist Theological Traditions Seminary who requested annomininininiimimity was quoted as saying, “T’ain’t so. God didn’t make no super-chickens off the ark.” However, Princeton Seminary professor countered, “If Jesus were alive today he’d be all for making more chicken breasts cheaper to feed the hungry.”

Shop ‘Til You Can’t Shop No More

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Last night Jessica and I dropped Abby off at my parents and went to finish our Christmas shopping for everyone but Elvis who mysteriously stopped coming to family Christmas gatherings after Christmas of 1976. We got mostly done except couldn’t make our last stop at Target because it was getting late and Abby was probably either insanely whiney or super-duper-extra-lots-over-the-top hyper from my dad’s nearly super-natural ability to get kids wound up like no one else I’ve ever met. When we arrived at their apartment to pick the Abigator up, she was wound up. So we got her home, in bed and then promptly crashed into bed ourselved.

However, while out shopping we went to seven stores in two and a half hours. That is a personal record for shopping outside of a mall. In fact, mall shopping should not be counted for consecutive store shopping because it allows for convenience. So, with convenience in mind we planned out our path so that we could hit all of the stores in optimal order, and furthermore we had to improvise as certain items we were looking for (*cough* presents for people who read this blog) at certain stores (*cough* certain stores that carry very bizaare gifts that I can’t mention) were not available. However, I’m pretty sure my brother-in-law will enjoy his electric toenail clippers and his wife will like the Hickory Farms Sausage and Cheese (that’s a joke Becca, I wouldn’t do that to you).

And to top it all off I found myself in Khol’s or Kohl’s or Shlok or however it’s spelled rubbing elbows with people who were walking to close to me and making me feel really uncomfortable. In the end though we found a really nice set of sheets for Abby’s new bed (which hasn’t come to the apartment yet, but is on the radar) which when purchased with a coupon ended up costing only $8.00. What a great deal! Why she’ll be sleeping in comfort, class and cheapness. Which makes me wonder if Martha Stewart would have been able to smuggle sheets from her ‘exclusive line’ at ‘the mart’ into the prison. Or does she sleep in sheets that she hand-wove and sewed in an earlier episode of Martha Stewart Living?

Review: Revenge of the Sith

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Well, I finally saw Star Wars: Episode III | Revenge of the Sith. Well, not actually. Actually I am just writing this review ahead of time to save time later for more important things. Sure, I’ll actually watch the movie some time, but I find the latest additions, the prequils, to be highly undertaining. I can’t believe that they make that much money with that little script quality. I know that they spend oodles of money on the computer generated graphics, I know they spend a lot of money on digital video camera’s, catering and sand removal services. However, the script is probably the cheapest part of the whole investment. I think they use some program that generates random quotes and they keep hitting the ‘refresh’ button until the line sounds like it’s related to the previous line.

I’m sure that others will hate me for this review, mostly because it’s so snooty, but frankly, the review is based on the simple fact that unless everything else changes, including George ‘Jorge’ Lucas not directing, Natalie Portman not playing a brick Queen Amadala, and Jar-Jar Binks not playing Michael Jackson.

Oh, and my review for the movie is: go see it. Mostly because I know you’re going to anyway.

Shot in the Nostril of Love

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Back in the day my good friend Sean and I wrote a bogus country song. I can’t remember all of the words, but here are some of them. I thought you might enjoy knowing how dangerous I was in junior high.

I’ve been shot in the nostril of love
In the middle when push comes to shove
we fit together like a right hand in a left glove
I’ve been shot in the nostril of love

There was a lot more than that, but I can only remember that one stanza. Sean and I had over-active imaginations and we created our own comedy tape (which may be somewhere buried in his parents’ house). Tonight Abby picked out his book at the library with great excitement (it was out on display). I miss Sean and am scolding myself for not having stayed closer in communications.

So, with nine days until Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for friends, including the super crazy ones that put up with the crap I threw their way and stuck it out with me.

Letter to the Weather Man

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Dear Weather Man,
Where is the snow? I know that it was supposed to come, and sometimes the weather changes its plans, but I really wanted some good pictures of snow for the holiday trip to Texas. I’d appreciate your assistance. Below is my schedule, so if you could work the weather out along with what I’ve written that would be great:

Wednesday
I’m working Wednesday, but I could take some pictures on my lunch break. If you could dump a load of snow just in our area, I’d appreciate it.
Thursday
Thursday I’m working as well, however, since Friday we’re leaving on our trip it would be good if you could have this be a hot day so that the snow would melt and I’d be able to drive with little restriction on speed. The drive may be upwards of 14 or more hours, so I’m looking for any advantage possible. I would probably be able to take some pictures of the melting snow this day as well.
Friday
Friday morning we head out for Texas. Please have all or most of the snow melted so that I can drive the posted speed limit [in Colorado], 75 miles per hour, all the way until I reach Kansas. By that time I’ll be going at least 5 miles per hour over to make up for the stops at restrooms for my two year old.

If you could take these requests into consideration I’d really appreciate it.

Regards,

Randy Peterman

Arafat Dead at 75

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Arafat has died. I would say that this is an end of an era, but in truth this is probably just a gnarly transition from one extremist to another. It is like switching from an all bean diet to a beer, cabbage and egg diet. Basically, this stinks. Fortunately I’m sure we’ve got a crack intelligence team that has figured out most everything thing there is to know about the next leader (who should probably figure out where Osama Bin Laden is).

New Manipulation Technique

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If you’re one of the many two year old blog readers that I have, Abby has revealed a new technique to help manipulate us into being spineless parents: telling us she’s crying. What happened this morning is that she pooped in her panties. This upset Jessica greatly, so she made her sit on the toilette to finish her business. Abby started wimpering and saying, “I’m crying.” This of course shut down all of our parental instincts and we caved in and gave her whatever she wanted.

OK, not really, but her telling us she was crying was an all time best for attempted mercy-begging.

Interesting Op-Ed

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I have been amazed, amused and confused by various responses to Bush’s re-election this last week. My thoughts aside, which are pretty ho-hum, this Op-Ed article is quite fascinating.

I’m a generally conservative guy (but I’m not registered Republican, I’m ‘unaffiliated’ or some other non-sense term that means, “Please don’t pigeon hole me.”) and I’m not a closet Christian, but I’ve been flabbergasted that so many web sites and news blurbs cited ‘Evangelicals’ as the source of Bush’s win. For crying out loud, there are lots of states with a very small percentage of actual Christians (where Christian does not equal WASP) but where conservative values tend to be held. Heck, I left the Bible Belt to find a home church 🙂

What I’m most interested in is some reasons why I don’t think Kerry won:

  • Anything but Bush is hardly a reason to vote for Kerry, and it’s really not a reason to vote against Bush. It just says that someone disagrees with Bush.
  • Bush Lied. Yup. Most likely he spun, or lied, about a lot of stuff. This is typical for politicians, no matter what stereo-type they get labeled with (including Bush’s Christianity). People apparently aren’t expecting truth from politicians or televangelists.
  • Bush is against Stem Cell Research which could hold the cure to (insert many diseases here). I want to state right now that I am for stem cell research. With one condition: don’t get the stem cells from aborted babies. The reason this didn’t win people over to the Kerry camp is because not enough Americans recognize this as the issue it is. There is a lot of ignorance when it comes to medicine and the common United States citizen.
  • The War on Terror is never ending. You may know that. I know that. However, considering that most of the people voting attend religious ceremonies two or less times a year their recognition that terrorism in the middle-east is often based on religious motivation – they don’t think about it and they don’t get it.
  • Peoples children are dying in Iraq. Voters don’t want people to die. However, when you calculate that the number of US citizens that die every month from car accidents in the United States is higher than the number who have died in Iraq in all of that time, the fatality rate has been very low[1]. Granted zero deaths is better than even one death. I’m personally not for war, and don’t want us in Iraq (or any other country) either, but I think that voters didn’t buy this argument.
  • Gay (marriage, unions, governmentally recognized relationships). Many Americans may not be homophobes (or many may be, I don’t know enough Americans to tell you this) but I think that this issue really didn’t grab the attention of John and Jane Doe because Will and Grace is their one contact with homosexuality – except if you count their aunty’s hair dresser.

This is a very small list and I know many more arguments were leveled during the time of the presidential running (or, if you want to be humorous, the running of the bulls [as in bull pucky that came out in the mud slinging]). My recommendation for those against Bush’s presidency is to not marry a Canadian, move to Canada or protest all over the place. Instead, move to California, they’ve got plenty of room (not really), join a cult (to counter the Evangelicals) or marry a Canadian so they can move down here and populate the country with Candadian ideas and accents (Pretty good idea, eh?).

I’m interested in intelligent conversation on this and would like to hear other arguments I didn’t list and see what else we can come up with. Also, what candidates do you prognosticate for the next presidential election? Powell verses H. Clinton? That would be quite the race because you’d have a black male verses a woman. Of course Arnold Schwartzeneiger verses Obama would be even more intense! OK, I’m going to bed.