Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Yoda: A Spineless Jedi ‘Master’

Has anyone else been highly troubled by the fact that in Star Wars Episode I Yoda outright says Anakin is an accident waiting to happen… but now in Episode III Anakin is sitting in on important Jedi meetings? I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I saw a video clip that showed such a thing. If you’re in charge of the safety of an entire universe and its use of the force, don’t you think you’d stand up to Ani, Obi and Queen Rama-lama-ding-dong?

Yoda: “Away from me, get this dark sided jedi, you must.”
Obi Juan: “No, Yoda, I’m 300% your size, you can’t tell me what to do.”
Yoda: “OK.”

Sure, he battles count doo-doo in the second movie in what is a very impressive re-enactment of the battle between Sauran and Gandolf from Lord of the Rings. Sure, Yoda has mastery over the force, but not the English language. Sure, he wears a burlap bag for a coat. Sure, he senses the force due to a high midichlorian count in his blood stream… but can he “Just say No!” Maybe they need a DARE program for Jedis.

Never Let a Hungry, Pregnant Woman Go Grocery Shopping

Yes, that title is a might long. Jessica went grocery shopping after her chiropractor appoinment today. I think she spent a tiny fraction compared to the United States Gross National Debt but she spent a lot. She bought lots of things we needed… plus some snacks. Or, maybe it could be better stated: she bought a lot of snacks, and some other things we needed.

I asked her why so many snacks and she just told me, “Never Let a Hungry, Pregnant Woman Go Grocery Shopping.”

Hi-Fi Satan

Well, we did it. We have gotten 666 tattooed onto our hands, on our foreheads and and our credit cards for good measure. OK, not really. We had basic cable installed. However, the first show that came up: Maurey Povich. That’s like having Satan beamed in on hi-fi.

I think that my favorite part will be the Jerry Springer Show at all hours of the day. Of course the televangelists come in clearly as well, and that’s just outright evil 😉

Young Minds

My wife’s cousin’s son, 3 years old, was being watched by his grandma. She was putting him to bed and he looked up at her and said, “I’m mad at you.”

She asked why, to which he replied, “I’ll give you some candy if you let me play.”

She declined the bribe and said he should go back to bed. Then, in true form he said, “Fine. I don’t have any candy anyway.”

Classic!

I Love You This… SMACK

This evening at dinner I was trying to be cute with my daughter but instead assaulted our waitress. There’s a cute kids book which has a parent telling their child that they love them “…this much.” Well, being a cute dad with a cute daughter in the middle of dinner I wanted to tell Abby how much I love her. I asked, “How much does daddy love you?” And then I stretched out my hands to say, “This much.” But instead of reaching out in the air I smacked our waitress in the chest. I swear that in some restaurants like Hooters that sort of thing is a little more common. Of course the patrons doing that have had at least several beers before that sort of chest smacking activity happens. I on the other hand merely had diet Coke in my system. To top that off I was sitting in front of my wife trying to demonstrate to my daughter love.

However, there was a happy ending: the couple at the table diagonal from us (booth really, but who’s counting?) had apparently given up communicating. The husband sat there looking ugly and bored while his wife was made up, wearing nice clothes and most likely trying to be his beautiful partner. Since cro-magnon man wasn’t keeping up his part of the relationship the gal took to reading every letter that was printed on all of the propaganda, menus and sugar wrappers at the table. I felt sorry for her: she is going to be one of the many women in the United States who has an affair because she finds a man who pays half-of-an-attention to her. The other man could be the pool cleaner, the Schwann’s man or the hired pooper-picker-upper who comes every Wednesday to pick up after ‘Pickles’ the family poodle.

The moral of this odd blog entry? Men, don’t accidentaly whack waitresses in the chest, it does not demonstrate love. Secondly, men: don’t take your wife on a date and then become the most rock-like object in the establishment. Thirdly, men, don’t whack your waitress with rocks… this is generally not as acceptable as leaving a 25¢ tip, and in some cultures could leave you dead and in the gutter. Fourthly, if you’re a waitress it is highly recommended that you learn how to put makeup on. Our waitress had so much base on I thought she was a low-rider. I think it is possible to wear more foundation, but you have to have a building permit.

Wow, that was a tacky play on words, I best go spend some time with my wife and unwind.

Just a Moment Ago…

One of the folks from the mortgage place I’m using called me asking to confirm employment. They asked to speak to a co-worker. I should have said, “Hold on,” and then pretended to be someone else. However, I told her the truth: I’m self-employed. For every opportunity I have to be goofy I probably only take 1 out of 20 simply because I think of the ‘funny part’ too late. When will I learn?

Sharing

This morning Abby shared her first toy with her little sibling in Jessica’s belly: she climbed into the bed and slid the toy under Jessica’s shirt onto her belly and declared, “Here baby. Here’s a toy for you.”

Overheard…

Tonight I overheard a woman ask a question after staring at a sign at our local Sweet Tomato. She had read the sign several times and then called the latino man behind the counter over to answer a question, “Excuse me, is this vegetarian?” A legitimate question… had the sign not read

Vegetarian Harvest!

A Note to Readers

I just realized that I’ve been doing something for a long time. I’ve been toying with acronyms. I don’t know how Kosher it is to mess with acronyms, but at least 50% of the time you see an acronym, if you hold your mouse over it, the tooltip will not be the correct expansion of said acronym. For example, when you see TV in most posts it will actually have a tooltip that says something nasty like, “Rots your brains out” or “Run for the hills” or “I couldn’t think of anything witty for this.” So, when you see an acronym within the contents of this blog, please be careful. Just an FYI.