Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

All the News that Fit to Rent

That’s Rent as in rip or tear. I was astonished this evening as I walked past our TV and heard a news caster actually say the words, “The Cardinal talked about the popes life and death…” while referring to the ceremony performed before the burial of the late Pope John-Paul-Ringo-George II. If you were going to a eulegy and upon arrival the miniser, cardinal, judge, spokesperson or general eulegizer-person spoke about their morning, how the local sports teams were doing and pretty much avoided talking about the dead person you would either think you were on a hidden camera show or you would be really surprised. Not this news gal, accurate news dictates that you state the overly obvious to make sure that those who have overactive imaginations (myself) weren’t confused and thinking that the thousands of attendees of the funeral and those watching on closed circuit television and the millions watching by braile were not being treated to a David Copperfield performance instead of the eulogy. What gives?

I’d like to also extend my imagination to the following area: If I was watching the news and the weatherman said, “The snow outside is cold.” I would probably change the channel. If I were watching the news and the sports guy said, “And Kobe Bryant nailed that one…” I’d have to wonder if he was referring to the recent trial or a b-ball game… and then change the channel. If I were watching the news and some poor sap was out, man-on-the-street style, interviewing folks about their opinion on the latest scandal in [pick pretty much any area of life] and he asked them, “Do you think that [said scandal] is wrong?” I would probably change the channel. I would not change the channel if they covered things like the local music scene, actual issues that are facing the community and how FedEx-Kinko’s is a really stupid name for a company. I would watch the news if it was worth watching. However, it is not. It is worth avoiding and just using news.google.com to see the latest highlights. If you want real news, you’ve got to make it yourself.

With that in mind I’m announcing my candidacy for the Vice President of the United States of Whatever America in the election of 2021. By then I figure I’ll have learned how to clearly communicate about important issues like political strategery, I’ll have learned how to clearly not stand strong on any issues, and most importantly I’ll have learned how to apply my toupee in such a way that it won’t flap in the wind when I have to appear outside for brief moments of PR. I don’t want to appear ‘homey’ [not homie] like Kerry did with Jonathan Edwards, I want to appear daring, bold and slightly untrustworthy so that when people see me next to the completely untrustworthy candidates I’m running against, I’ll be the lesser of two evils.

So, who’s with me? Who else wants to run for joint-vice-presidency? I don’t think one person can take that job on, but 4 or 5 may. We could be the Peterman-Smith-Jones-Wilson-Thomas vice-presidency party. We could stand for peace, truth, the American way, as well as the pledge of allegiance, which will have been severely re-written due to major law suits brought on by the ACLU, NRA and NOW. By then we may have a Bi-Camel legislation body if we can take over Iraq’s government cleanly. The other thing is that if we can run in 2021 we’ll be the only choice because everyone else will be running in 2020! We’ll totally kick bottom.

Boylan’s Natural Root Beer

If you’re like me… Wait, I start with that too often.

If you like root beer… No, everyone pretty much likes root beer.

If you hate drinking corn syrup in sodas because you know that its going to give you diabetes… No, that’s not right either.

I enjoy a new, to me, brand of Root Beer called Boylan’s Natural Root Beer. It doesn’t have corn syrup as a sweater sweetener so I can actually drink it. Corn Syrup as you know has been linked to obesity, higher risk of diabetes and smaller pinky toes on the rear right feet of some laboratory rats*. The root beer’s flavor is pretty good but I have noted that the acidity of my own body effects the flavor – in other words if you’ve been living on coffee for the last two months like I have it won’t taste quite as good as if you’ve just been eating pixy sticks and licking your walls in an insane asylum.

<aside>
Speaking of which, do they have sane asylums? “Sir, this man is perfectly fine, we must get hims safely to the sane asylum before the whacko’s get to him!”
</aside>

This root beer is particularly good with Breyer’s Natural Vanilla Ice Cream (also without rat foot shrinking corn syrup) in what is affectionately known as a “root beer float.” Much like the floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade root beer floats are a tradition, gather throngs of people, and are really rather boring if you watch them for hours. However, root beer floats are not meant to be watched, they’re to be drunk and chunks of ice cream spooned out of them. Now before anyone gets out of line and says something naughty, I don’t think that root beer can get you drunk. However, it can get you on a sugar high much like licking wallpaper and eating pixy sticks.

So I’ve written far too much satirical nonsense in this for you to seriously be thinking, “Thelma, fire up the ole’ Jalopy, we’re headin’ into town to buys us some carn s’rup free beer and wallpaper!” However, I do recommend that you look for this fine beverage in a store near you because it tastes good, is less likely to give you diabetes and it is more likely to get you on the stand of the latest Michael Jackson trial.

“Your Honor, the defense would like to ask this man what we was doing at Boy Land.”
“It’s not Boy Land! I simply was suggesting that people try Boylan’s root beer!”

Oh, and if you want the opinion of a Root Beer junky he thinks it’s just OK. However, I like it but am curious to try their other sodas given their high reviews on that previous link.

* It should be noted that this is only a guess and I cannot prove one little thing about lab rats toes. I haven’t even seen a rat toe since the last time I was at Razzoo’s. That is all.

Resurrection Sunday

It’s here. The day that celebrates rabbits, eggs and excessive amounts of candy – well, one of the days, because there’s probably a great similarity with Halloween in that regard. However, similarly what were once the eve of all saints day and the celebration of the resurrection of God are now Hallmark Holidays [TM]. However, I do celebrate my risen Lord and welcome you to join me.

Have a good Holy-Day or a good holiday… but either way, avoid the tooth decay, brush regularly and floss even more regularly… at least once a month.

Blog Fodder, Too Good to Pass Up

Spam King Reports on Ministers of Spam. When morons do moronic things, you have to point it out. Why on God’s green earth would you solicit people for money in the form of email? Why would you want to thwart legitimate spam blocking services at companies such as Yahoo! and Hotmail to get money for God? This is just insane.

I do understand now how people could reject Christianity if this was the representation that they see. This doesn’t represent Christ, Christianity or anything else, it represents a bad attitude. If God wants you to minister in China, Prisons or next door he’ll give you the passion to do so and the required funds and transportation. I can just imagine Jesus out with his disciples passing out flyers asking for money, hoping that God the Father would provide. Dumb.

What’s Martha Stewart’s Anti-Aging Secret

Jessica, my lovely bride, subscribes to Martha Stewart: Living. Which, for the last 5 months has been really different because as you all know she’s been in jail smuggling food and teaching the inmates how to spruce up their cells. There’s nothing like opening up what used to be a home and cooking magazine to find articles on “Bars: How to keep a lustrous shine on one of your four walls.” However, what really concerns me is how Martha Stewart is reportedly 63 and yet when I see pictures of her she looks no more than 45. What’s her secret?

Did she make a pact with the Stay-Puffed marshmallow man so that she’ll stay young instead of puffed? Does she use one of the many rejuvenating products that are advertised in her magazine? Or, is she really like Oprah who has a rather warn older looking face but before each show they put on a pound of makeup and she looks like her usually, jovial, talk-show self? Maybe she made a pact with El Diablo and for each month she was in prison he took 5 years off of her appearance age-wise. Or, and I think this has the highest chance of being the reason: She’s had herself cloned.

There are actually three Martha Stewarts in various stages of disrepair, a fourth is in the works so that she’ll still look 45 when the first two have been dead for some time. Of course this means that she’ll never have her own postage stamp because you have to be dead for ten years to have your own postage stamp, and with the cloning she’ll never actually be dead the way most people have been dead in the past. Of course she’ll be in good company, the Dali Lama keeps getting reincarnated so he can’t have a postage stamp either.

What’s your guess?

Pop Tarts

Jessica had a pop tart this morning (also known as ‘The Great Anti-Christ’ to diabetics) and I gave the other pop tart to Abigail (also known as “Dad is Great, He gives us Chocolate Cake” to Bill Cosby fans). However, Abby was not convinced that this was a good idea. She’s just not a big fan of them. This is fine with me because their nutritional value has to be somewhere between an injection of sugar and wonderbread.

Speaking of which when my dad was a kid he used to get loaves of wonderbread and do compression testing on them in comparison contests with whole wheat bread. He would take the loaves, and in complete opposite to Jesus, who turned a few loaves of bread into many baskets of bread, would smash the loaves in a vice. Apparently the wonderbread would smash into a tiny, thin bit ‘o bread while the whole wheat loaves would still maintain some substance simply because they had substance.

Another story of my predecessors is this: My dad used to run tiny electrical wires a few chairs ahead of him in school and attach those wires to the bottoms of the metal clips that held the seat to the structure of the desk. He would then attach the positive and negative ends of a battery to the wire ends, shock the crap out of the person in the seat and then yank the wires back to him so that he would be away from the scene of the crime (a few desks back) and have the wires and battery hidden in a pocket.

Hearing this story growing up probably helped me learn a valuable lesson: Don’t get caught… and its better to be an instigator who plants ideas rather than the one actually doing the naughty deed. As an adult I’ve learned this: I’m so in trouble when my kids get older and learn about these things because it will be me who has to explain to parents that my little girl is only doing what she learned about from her grandpa, great grandpa and dad.

Fowl Twist

This last week Jessica requested I get her some lemon head candies. Being either really weak willed or incredibly in love with her I got her some. I had taken Abby with me to the store to buy them and had explained that they were ‘lemon heads.’ Abigail got home later on that evening with me and as Jessica was sucking on them Abigail asked if she too could suck on a ‘chicken head.’ Not quite the same thing.