Beware of Change

OK, so I’m not against change. I get it when I (rarely) pay with cash, I see it when I go back to Carson City, Nevada where I go once every several years to nearly wet myself when looking at housing prices and new development in the community. But last night our family went to Fudrucker’s for dinner because Jessica was hankering for a burger and I wasn’t hankering to fire up the grill. I should have stayed home.

When we walked in we were met by a stack of beer boxes, buckets with empy beer bottles (so as to prevent stealing), and a totally scaled down menu. When you are a hamburger based restaurant that sells hamburgers and few other things scaling down your menu is like turning yourself into an overpriced McDonalds. In fact, I think that the service at McDonalds might have been better. They had a table with kids menus on it as you wound yourself through the queue… with a bucket next to it that was empty. It was supposed to have crayons but they had no crayons in the facility. They did, however, add lots more expensive video games for people to play. I just can’t get past the $0.50 per game price. And that’s what they were starting to charge when I was a teenager. Now you have to pay $1.00 or more! Call me a cheap, old fashioned kind of guy but to play a video game that involves shooting people in front of my three year old for $1.00 you’d have to pay me $1,000.00.

And they switched to Pepsi products [which I don’t prefer]. So basically everything that I loved about the restaurant is gone and I’m going to take my business somewhere else that might change, but they might do it gradually or they might maintain a slightly more family friendly atmosphere with choices on their menu. Oh, and I asked the under-aged employee working the register if they had Fat Tire beer. His response was to say, “Fat Tire beer?” slowly and loudly as if I was an old fart who was hard of hearing. “Yes, Fat Tire beer, it’s made in Boulder, CO.”

“I’ve never heard of it before.”

Sorry young’n’, but they’re advertised in neon signs at liquor stores all around the place, most other local restaurants carry them and even Texas (who still thinks they own Colorado) has it. Don’t insult my intelligence when I’m ordering – it is not good customer service.

That is all, our regularly scheduled griping will return later.

Hitting the Nail on the Head

I just used the figure of speech, “… hit the nail on the head.” Which is really a dumb figure of speech. It is like saying something is not rocket science. Or maybe the coolest things since sliced bread. Or killing a bird and wounding a lawyer with one shotgun blast two birds with one stone. Where do these come from? They must have been created by people who didn’t use computers.

If you think about it a nail gun, unless it is really screwed up (which is a bad figure of speech to use when describing a nail gun), will always hit a nail on the head. And rocket science relies on computers now that are made by computer scientists. Those very computer scientists were raised by mothers who were sandwich artists before Subway started calling their minimum wage employees Sandwich Artists. And if you’ve ever seen Shelly Duvall in ‘Rocketman’ then you know that mothers of rocket scientists can make a pretty mean sandwich. And that’s another figure of speech I don’t get: ‘mean.’ Is a mean sandwich one that gives you, to quote a friend, an, “after lunch gas attacks??” Or is a mean sandwich one that is like a gangster with a head tatoo in a foreign language that they don’t read that says, “ice-skating” [Apparently Justin Timberlake’s upcoming movie has a fake tatoo on him that says this ]?

And lastly, sliced bread stinks. It goes moldy faster, gets dry, and when someone forgets to re-attach the twist-tie or the plastic clippy thing from hell, the bread could go spilling all over the floor. And I don’t want to cry over spilt bread.

Please press any key now.

Uh-lympics

After the first week of half-heartedly keeping up with the Olympics I’ve got the drive of a jellyfish to watch this week’s athletic feats [and feets]. Is it just me or do they just have too many olympic events? Do they have to have so many side stories and announcers that are so lame that you just can’t watch more than a few hours of athletics in combination of some of the mind numbing drivel that comes out of their mouths? I imagine that the human interest angle of the Olympics is important now due to several reasons:

  1. Sesame Street – The Children’s Television Workshop has been putting together short video montages since MTV was the twinkle in Satan’s eye (that’s a joke, not a Rock is from the devil comment).
  2. MTV – We’ve been having short videos played to use for several decades now. We can’t handle an hour long televised event unless the commercials are so stellar that we actually watch the event for the commercials (see: Super Bowel Sunday)
  3. The Women of Wisteria Lane – If there’s no drama involved wherein scandals, knee surgeries, single parents with one kidney who nearly died of a gangreen in their pinky-toes from the Olympics in 1611 then the Olympics are just not exciting enough.
  4. CNN – OK, so this ‘news network’ is more like a snooze network. We’re bombarded by twenty-four hour television news feeds which are loaded with human interest stories because gosh darn it: there is not enough really critical news to cover. This is also why the media spent thousands of man hours researching Dick Cheney’s hunting accident.
  5. Dick Cheney’s Hunting Accident – If you’re going to compete with the media frenzy that is the walking medical unit of our Vice President of the United States you have to have something more attention grabbing than ice prancing. 11 out of 8 guys who are flipping through the channels are going to see a man that they presume is homosexual lifting up a woman who’s not as naked as her skin tone outfit initially indicates and keep going until they see that someone that is in a sub-level-power has had an accident with a gun. Who hasn’t had an accident with a gun? Or who hasn’t been related via six degrees of separation to a person who had an accident with Kevin Bacon’s gun?

Clearly the Uh-lympics should be amazing, but I’m amazed by the coverage being so heavy in hours yet so light in content.

Happy Hallmark Holiday!

Happy Valentines Day. Do try to be romantic the other 364.25 days of the year will you? It can sure help get you practiced up and prepared for the one day of the year that Hallmark expects to be paid for it. Oh, and the jewelry store called and said that the earings you ordered won’t be in until Wednesday, sorry about your luck. I guess its back to foot massages and being nice. 😉

Jumping the Shark

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Jumped the Shark?” Just in case you haven’t its a reference to the TV show “Happy Days.” In the show the Fonz is water skiing and jumps over a shark. Thus the phrase was used to describe a show that had reached the limit of ‘reality’ and switched to the crazy in an attempt to continue churning out plot lines and story boards.

A couple weeks ago Abby was watching Dora the Exlorer and Dora was on a boat with her friends the map, backpack, boots and Hitler. OK, not with Hitler. They came upon treacherous waters with sharks in them. The whole boat jumped over three sharks.

Wow. I totally lost all respect for Dora. Wait, I don’t think I had any in the first place.

Happy Remote Day!

OK, so the company that I work with a lot in Texas, Alt-N, has another employee that will be going ‘remote’ such as I did in 2004. However, they’re having a party for his departure and I was ‘commissioned’ to perform a song for the party (remotely, of course). Here it is in MP3 format: Happy Remote Day!

Ye Olde Footballe

Today I had a brief party at my house wherein we watched some [American] football and consumed food. The food was good, I’ve had better football. The Denver Broncos, our home team, played so well that they gave a great demonstration of what not to do, while the Pittsburg Steelers (where, apparently I have some family heritage. No, not in steel, but Pittsburg) rocked the socks off of the locals. Yes, it was much like beating a dead horse.

Then, to make sure that my brother-in-law and his wife would have a good laugh saying, “Seattle is better than Denver,” the Seattle Seahawks spanked the Carolina Panthers. That is to say that the Panthers lost even worse than the Broncos. I didn’t know that two teams could be in the playoffs and have their playing be so off! Hey, at least the Colts, where my father-in-law is from, Indianapolis, weren’t playing… then it would be like a family feud, and we can’t have that.

Oh, and the Broncos did have a severe disadvantage this game: they hadn’t lost any other home game this season which put them at a near absolute situation where they would lose. I blame statistics and not the fact that Jake Plummer threw two interceptions and fumbled – its all in the numbers.

Eye, Eye, Captain!

I am going to the eye doctor soon. This scares me because I think that my eyes are fine. I think that I can see well. But the truth is that I know they will tell me that my vision is not 20/20 or some number telling me that I can see through walls and burn down buildings with the lazers that shoot out of my eyes.

Will glasses make me look sexy like Clark Kent or will they make me look like an old codger? Of course I may not need glasses, but I’m sure not going to wear contacts – I would go blind poking my eyes before they went in easily.

A Fart in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bathroom

If you want to know what kind of lasting impression you have left on the mind of a youth, just wait until they buy you a Christmas present. Yesterday we had a belated Christmas celebration with our friends the Kaes’. Ironically Trystan got me ‘potty putty’ which is this goopy stuff that is in a plastic toilet that when manipluated with your fingers creates farting sounds. So while some people participated in constructing Trystan’s life and making it better I apparently contributed fart humor. Which is fine by me, it could have been a worse contribution, I’m sure 🙂

Thanks Trystan and for sharing your life with us!

A Perfect One-Liner

My friend Robin set up and delivered a perfect one-liner via Instant Messaging. Here it is:

Robin: So, Time Magazine has some Brain Calisthenics and articles about staying focused, etc..
Robin: I skimmed the article, did the first exercise, then got bored.