I have been sick all day long, starting out with a cold and then churning right on into a flu-like pukefest. However, I’m feeling somewhat better now and hope to be ‘right as rain’ tomorrow. Of course I don’t want to be right like acid rain, which would be a completely bad thing, I’d rather be more constructive. Speaking of weird rain don’t the skittles commercials that have skittle raining down on everything scare the snot out of you? I mean how on earth could that be good for the environment? Corn Syrup all over, food coloring all over, and it would have to hurt like hail when it hit you. I can’t see that as being good at all.
Category Archives: Word Play
Merry Christmas
Marry Christmas. OK, not literally. Merry Christmas.
Hockey Boots
Abby has Hockey boots. Not really, but she has boots that she calls hockey boots. Why? I blame Julia Roberts. She was in that one movie with some guy who had problems with gerbils… Richard something or other. She played a prostitute who had a thing for very tall boots. So… in my family tall boots (unfortunately) were called ‘hooker boots.’ So, Abby, not having a clue what hooker boots are has hockey boots. And let me tell you: she can play all of the hockey in boots she wants, as soon as she takes up fishing, its over.
A Fine Car Indeed
Last night I went to pick up the Peer family from the airport. We own a green Honda Civic 4 door. It seats five. Five small people. Five small anorexic people. Five small anorexic people who do not have luggage. Five small anorexic people without five pieces of large luggage and some backpacks.
Our Honda civic is too small for carrying that many people. We had luggage on laps, I think we were dragging something off the bumper as well. I think we’re going to go get ourselves into debt for a mini van on Black Friday 😉 Just kidding. However, our fine car gets great gas mileage. It gets the good gas mileage through the use of a special turbo charged lawn mower engine. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s in there because if it was any less powerful with 5 anorexic small people with no luggage it would not go.
This is in no way a complaint about Hondas. They’re great cars. But you have to use the car for the right purpose. But you know what they say: When you’re a Hammer everything looks like a Vanilla Ice.
Idiots with Idioms
Have you ever found yourself in a sticky situation where a word or phrase has two meanings and after you say something you think, “Drat! I’ve now insinuated something that I was not trying to insinuate.”? Last night I really screwed up and used the term ‘nailed’, which can mean to hit something dead on or accurately connect with something or someone, in a context that could alternatively implied another definition: to have intercourse with. Nothing like slipping up at Bible Study when you’re trying to convey something good and instead deliver an innuendo. Doh!
You Might Be a Postmodernist if…
Well, I got a strange complement yesterday on the phone talking to my friend Krystal. She had said that one of the elders’ wives had told her she really needed to listen to a recording of the first apologetics class that I’ve been co-teaching with my dad. I said, “Wow, that wasn’t even one of my better prepared classes.” She clarified that the reason she had been told to listen to it was this: that it was hilarious. Apparently instead of preparing people for the contents of the class I was comic relief. Such is life, I suppose it could be worse and people could be warning, “Stay away from that class – Randy’s boring and has no clue whatsoever about anything that comes out of his mouth.”
I’m actually excited about teaching this class because its full of things that I haven’t thought about in a while and I’m re-learning and learning new things about my faith in God and in my understanding of the way the human mind works. Maybe in the future there’ll be some good recordings available as MP3’s on the church website.
Faked You Out
Sometimes when I look at Abby’s goldfish, Goldy, she’s floating up to the surface with her tail higher than her head. And I start to panic. Then, just as I start to think, “Goldy’s a goner,” he/she/it starts swimming again. The fish was sleeping. Doh! This is not a huge deal, but it is amazing to me that this fish is even still alive. And she’s growing, too. Abby likes to feed her and to pet her, and take her for walks. However, we only let Abby feed the fish, all other activities are strictly imaginary.
When the fish floats to fake me out, I’m frightened, but not forever. [a light alliteration to practice my alliterational skillz]
Her Appendage Doth Append
This morning Jessica said, “Randy, feel this.” Which, as I learned in junior high, can be a bad thing. You see, then I was asked to place my hand into a bag, feel something I couldn’t see, and then attempt to tell the person what it was. I was always afraid someone had somehow gotten a wild wolverine to hold still long enough for me to cram my hand into the bag… fortunately that was not a problem this morning. Instead I felt one of Evie’s appendages protruding from Jessica’s belly in a very intense way.
Wow, this baby has got to come out soon.
News That Doesn’t Matter
One thing that is tough in these, the ‘information age’, days, is filtering out the cruft from the fluff from the actually valuable information. News that makes America or Australia or China or citizens think or react due to its true value. However, news like George W. Bush’s approval rating based on a poll of a small ‘cross-section’ of America is about as useful as a steel toilette seat in an igloo. George is working, vacationing and presidenting through his second and last term. The American people have an opinion about how he’s doing that list of things. So what? Its his second term. If 98% of America didn’t approve of what he was doing, but he was not breaking the law then when his presidency is over – move onto another candidate that we can all love to hate. Saturday Night Live is not going to be changing their mix of jokes any time soon from 60% sexual humor, 35% political humor and 98% stereotypical humor. That means that unless the guy who comes into office next is either
1) Jesus and doesn’t do anything wrong
2) Sleeping with Tina Fey (head writer for Saturday Night Live)
3) Sleeping with Lorn Michaels
4) Actually Dead
They’re going to keep mocking the president. The people will continue to not have a super-duper approval rating for various reasons like not having a chicken in every pot, naving/not having pot in every household, or PETA still in existence. The president’s current approval rating is about as useful for the average news watcher, reader or listener as the Pony Express for Al Gore, who clearly invented the internets for faster communication.
Six Dollar Jar Opener
Other than sounding like a mediocre rock band that is actually how much I paid for a jar opener tonight. Three boys from the local elementary school came around because their school was in need of a ‘fun raiser.’ “We really need a fund raiser,” on boy said to me. His two friends quickly said, “Yeah.” I had heard them outside our house arguing over who was going to talk so I was pleased to see that the neighbor at the corner’s son had won. He was wearing what appeared to be swimming goggles on his head (not covering his eyes, but up on his hair) but I could be wrong, they could have been super hero goggles… but I can’t prove either. They wanted me to purchase anything or everything in their catalog. Aside from the usual wrapping paper, crumby candy or large quantities of popcorn… pardon me, there’s another knock at the door.
OK, so another neighbor kid was just at the door selling the same stuff from the same catalog. He said something like, “Will you buy something for me?” To which I replied, “No, I’ve already bought something.” I had to resist all of the genes that my mother passed onto me to not correct his grammar. That may have not been a grammatically incorrect statement, he may have actually wanted me to buy him something. I hope he didn’t/doesn’t but I don’t know, its a bit tough with youth these days.
As I was saying they had lots of nice things in the catalog including kitchen items like double wire wisks, the jar opener and an egg cutter. The last thing I need is an egg cutter. The wrapper paper is over priced and the candy is probably the same candy we sold as kids… and that’s just wrong 🙂
I just hope that the jars open more betterer with our fancy new opener.