Category Archives: Word Play

Odd words, phrases and jargon from about the world and web

My Since Relyest Apologies

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So, when I was in 7th Grade my English teacher, Mrs. Daniels, taught us to remember how to spell sincerely. She said to remember that it it was spelled like a compound word: SinceRely. My sincerest apologies for the negative bent the more recent blog posts have had. I really should be writing happier stuff, funnier stuff and have more Abby and Evie posts.

I was chatting with a friend this morning and said that I realized that I was being negative. It is easy to be negative, especially when you think you’re being funny. Being funny and being negative are actually two dangerous things. You can be negative and you can be funny but you can be more of one than the other and the scales have tipped to mostly negative recently.

So I beg your forgiveness and hope that you will find it in your collective hearts (but seriously, if you collect hearts, um, where are you storing them? Do you have a walk in fridge?) to keep reading this funky blog and the silly stuff that spills from my fingers. Don’t worry, I have paper towels nearby to clean up the mess.

Worst Defense of Movie Theaters I’ve Read

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Mark Cuban, who is always referred to as the billionaire [apparently he doesn’t have value as a human being outside of his money to the editors of every major publication], is in charge of several media production companies. He has been pushing to get movies out on DVD at the same time they’re put on the silver screens so as to reduce piracy. The theory (that I agree with) is that if you release things to the masses in multiple formats they are less likely to steal the content from somewhere else. Wired magazine interviewed an opponent of this idea, the CEO of AMC movie theaters. In short it is the silliest defense of ‘the old way’ I’ve read yet. Sure, its possible that Wired edited the guy to look like a moron, but if you look at the text its clear that something is not right about this guy’s logic.

First he’s saying that the theaters only want to carry the best products, by which he means movies, and that Mark Cuban’s company’s movie wasn’t quality enough for his theaters. Then he’s saying that ticket sales were down last year because the quality of the movies were down. But then he sites that the quality of the movies were derided by reviewers. Does he know why there are movie reviewers out there? Because there are so many movies released that the masses have to get help to know which ones might be worth their time. If fewer movies were released, but had quality behind them, then I think folks would be inclined to go see them and reviewers would review them well because they were quality movies. You can’t seriously tell me that a movie theater that played “Kung Pow: Enter the Fist!” has discernment to say no to ‘Bubble’, Cuban’s movie [let it be known I own Kung Pow, but I consider it to be a goofy movie that few would enjoy unless theyr’e goofy like me].

In short its a political move but he’s dancing around like Mike Tyson before he bites your ear. Or in this case, your pocketbook.

I Loves Me Some TV, NOT!

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This is an interesting blog post: Why You, Too, Should Cancel Cable. I don’t think that television is the embodiment of evil, but I do think that human beings (in all countries who have access to television) need to be a bit more discerning about what television they watch. I mean, think about it: you are giving them your time, and paying cable/satellite for it. I like Alton Brown, and that’s probably the most loyal I am to television, I record every episode of Good Eats. I watch it on my time and still don’t finish every episode because I’ve got important things to do. Like raise a family of amazingly well behaved and well adjusted women who will fight against the imballance of feminism and male dominant worldviews to seek out truth, love and better cheeses. But seriously, how much TV do you actually watch?

Thanks to Mr. Robinson for exposing me to this blog post.

Dear Microsoft Ad Writing Persons…

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…you need to put the word Compelling away. Just remove it from your vocabulary. Don’t write the word into another script, ad, or anti-Linux document. I’m compelled to reject anything you have to tell me after you use the word ‘compelling.’ No one else uses this word in real-life conversations. Other words I recommend you avoid include ‘masticate’, ‘super-duper’, ‘okey-dokey’ and ‘germane.’

However, if you use ‘plick’, ‘slick’, or ‘sick’ to describe your products I may listen more. Between bouts of laughter.

At the Airport

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Overheard walking through the ‘port:
“I took, like, a sleeping pill. It totally freaked me out. It was, like, a Xanax.”

What the heck? Xanax should mellow people out! Maybe she shouldn’t have mixed the Xanax with methamphetamine [note: Microsoft Word doesn’t offer synonyms for methamphetamine].

So this morning as I was waiting for my Grande Soy Latte at Starbucks (which I don’t prefer, but given I consumed Folgers all week, this was a step in the right direction in my caffeinated world) I noticed that the young lady in front of me was wearing a Victoria’s Secret sweatshirt. It was not lingerie it was a sweatshirt. Weird. Weirder still was the fact that her pants had a large hole in their right buttock [20% of the total right buttock area in my general estimation]. There was some sort of fabric underneath the pants that made sure that the public was not exposed to skin, but there was an awkwardness to this for me because I didn’t know if she was wearing a long striped shirt that extended way beyond what I have seen in shirt design, or if I was being exposed to the stripy colorfulness of her undergarment. I didn’t want to be exposed to either of the options, but it was clear that this hole was a fashion. The third alternative is that there was a colorful, stripy, and stupid piece of cloth sewn into the pants, but that defeats the purpose of the hole and I did not see any thread that indicated sewing lines. And I know sewing lines in pants like I know molecular biology [which I don’t].

OK, so here’s where it gets weirder: I saw another woman walking through the airport moments later that had incredibly tight pants on that left nothing to question about her lower body structure. I imagine those pants cut off the blood circulation to parts of her body and took a large amount of time to squeeze into. Maybe they have started to make “pants horns”, much like shoe horns, only larger and more stunning in their dimensions.

Even weirder was that Soledad O’Brien is on CNN this morning talking about a coyote. The woman sitting across the airport waiting area from me was smiling a large smile as she watched the news about the coyote. It is kind of scary because I don’t want for her to enjoy coyote news. I guess I’m generally an anti-coyote news sort of guy, which is something I didn’t know about myself. Coyote news feels rather stupid in the grand scheme of things because coyotes, wily or not, just don’t seem to be a really important part of urban ecology. Sure, that could change, but I doubt it.

I have had 4-6 hours of sleep the last couple nights and I’m getting burned out on the whole ‘low on sleep thing.’ To further the issue last night I woke up several times with my brain in a near panic due to not wanting to miss my alarm. The same alarm that woke me up the other days that I was on this trip that kept my sleep to a minimum. For some reason not showing up to the office on time didn’t concern me, but missing a flight to get home where I would be alone was apparently important. Apparently I need to find a sleeping pill that is not, like, Xanax.

Klingon War Ships

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I don’t know why I typed that title in, it just seemed like the wrong thing to do. However, it is there, and I can’t help but to leave it. The snow is falling here and it is predicted that we may have lots of snow here before too long, which will be a real problem because I need to fly out early in the morning to arrive in Grapevine, Texas. Strangely enough if you swap the V and P in Grapevine you get grave pine. I don’t know why that matters, but in the theme of random tidbits, I guess I’ll just have to move on past that goofy observation. Maybe I can call in some Klingon war ships to clear out the snow or simply transport me from CO to TX. Of course knowing the Klingons I’d probably die in the process due to them just enjoying the general idea of inflicting pain.

[If I knew some whitty Klingon phrase, I’d put it here.]

Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star

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A few annymous females that I lived with while growing up used to use a word for ‘urinating’ that was fun: Tinkle. What is weird is that in the English language we have such a large body of vocabulary dedicated to bodily functions in general. I recall hearing as I grew up about a contest they had at my dad’s place of employment that encouraged the employees to come up with other names for ‘cow pies’ and by cow pies I mean manure, cow poop, dung, cow crap, meadow muffins, cow frisbees, boot muck also known as fecal matter of bovine origin.

Another blog I once read had a listing of names for boy and girl private parts as well. What was funny was reading that many people used the same word to describe the front or back side of male or female parts depending on the family. Can you imagine getting married to someone only to discover that their ‘pom-pom’ was a completely different ‘pom-pom’ than your’s [don’t think about that too much]? And that is why I wanted to ask this question: if you are a parent, what sort of vocabulary do you have for dirty business in your house? We have stuck with as much of the scientific words so as to make it less of a shock when people use them in polite company or educational environments and they don’t snicker like a candy bar.

America’s Next Top Squirrel Hunter

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Note: This is just satire. Jessica asked me if I was insinuating that she was part of the dumbed down masses. I told her that it was satire to which she promptly told me that I could satire my way through three loads of laundry, washing the dishes and licking the toilette bowls clean. Very funny indeed. OK, she didn’t really say that to me. Which is fine because this is satire, its intended to be rediculous, and completely false. That’s what makes it funny [well, that and it would help if it was actually funny].

I don’t know about you, but I feel like the networks have exploited the reality television genre enough now that I’m ready for something more fake. Take for example the ‘Next Top Model’ idea. It is a copy of American Idol. Which is a copy of Star Search, which is a copy of the Ed Sullivan show which was a copy of the Magna Charta. And as all American and British historians know is a copy of the original Da Vinci Decoder ring rumored to be in circulation among a secret society of cracker jacks connoisseurs.

The problem is that the shows are not as real as real life which means they’re edited down and pieced together to be interesting to the dumbed down masses people who find them interesting. The problem is that reality is much more boring for most of us. But I’ve got an idea that will change all of this. Everyone needs to spice up their lives by doing something interesting and intense every day. That way it will force the networks to cut back on reality shows and hire people to write good television documentaries. I think that’s the direction television will go… if it starts moving backwards. Actually the new hit show will be much longer than most shows because it will be made for television movies – except they’ll be worth watching. And there won’t be any cliff hanger endings, you’ll feel good about how all of the loose ends are no longer loose and instead, much like Pamela Anderson, they’re wholesome and make you feel good about yourself, your body, your peers and world peace. Wait. No. That’s not right.

My Dad Said…

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Abby has started to pick up on the convenience of authority at times. For example she’s started the stage wherein if one parents seems to not be delivering the expected results then she’ll envoke the authority of the other parent. Just now I overheard her saying to Jessica, “But my dad said I could….” Jessica knew it was a fabrication (or lie, fib, deception, untruth, falsehood, misrepresentation or B.S.). I find the irony to be that I used to try this and while there were some times that it worked, I was always a crumby liar. Which is probably good. The only way I have ever been a very good liar was in the context of a practical joke, surprise party or when Jessica’s $450.00 leather jacket got put in the washing machine and I blamed it on the one eyed monster I had seen leaving our house just as I got home after a long day of work* [and Jessica if you’re reading this its completely true – the monster was leaving our house, it is my only excuse**].

* That is a lie. Jessica has never had a leather jacket to my knowledge, and certainly has never had $450.00 to buy one.
** This is a complete fabrication, which therefore makes this parenthetical statement an attempt at humor.

Oh, What a Trashy Dad I Am

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This morning upon waking up I had to get the trash out to the curb. There was a lot of it because I cleaned out the garage for the first time this year. It needed it badly and there are still more things to tuck away and more things to pick up and tidy, but its a start. Anyhow, Abby asked if she could help. I told her no she could not because it was cold outside. Colder than a caveman frozen in a block of ice in Sunny California [Trade Mark] that happens to defrost and go to high school with Samwise Gamgee and Polly Shore. So I opened up the blinds at the front window so that Abby could watch me take the trash to the curb. She watched and watched as I took each can, several bags and more cardboard than a Wal-Mart dumpster out to the sidewalk. Each time as I walked back to the house she would wave at me through the window. Her cute little face peering out making sure I was there and when I wasn’t in view she would make sure that she saw me as soon as I was in view. Her hand waved with great excitement at seeing her daddy. It is good to be Abby’s dad – she truly is a joy to her father.

Then I took a walk in the cold (which was not as cold as Ensino Man, but was more like the cold of the bathroom tile when you’ve been nice and warm and cozy in bed, its a bit of a shock but you get used to it and then falling back asleep is more difficult) to return some videos we had rented. I think we rented them when Hoover was the president. They have been in our house for so long that I had grown accustomed to them kind of like the spider that is in the corner of my office that I just can’t get rid of because he’s become a strange companion. A companion like a prairie home companion. A companion like Mr. MacFeely is to Mr. Rogers. A companion like Robin is to Batman. OK, so not that kind of companion, the spider is in a funky spot that I don’t care to put the effort into getting rid of. Jessica would like me to, though.

So, its been a good morning 🙂