Category Archives: Opinion

Get Your Rachel Ray Autographed Kidney Here!

Posted on by

Does anyone else feel slightly patronized because Rachel Ray now has more television shows than Kelly Ripa, more cookbooks than Julia Childs, and since that’s not enough you can now buy her custom mix albums from amazon?  I want her to sign my kidney if I ever need to have surgery in that region of my body.  I’m certain that she’ll be offering that service by the time she has completed selling her soul to S@t@n [or 0pr@h, whichever one offers her the most money].  I’m sure that these opportunities sound good to her, but the truth of the matter is that eventually you have diluted your brand to the point where no one will buy the Rachel Ray model of the Gazelle workout machine.   Or your Rachel Ray & George Foreman dually signed lean mean fat cooking machine.  And you will know that the apocalypse is upon us when she co-authors something with Martha Stewart.

Disclaimer: if you click on the link to the amazon.com page that sells her album I will not make money on this.  Your purchase will be anonymous.  But I will possibly die laughing if someone buys it.  And then this site will cease to exist because Jessica just isn’t into blogging.

Gratuitous Tipping Scene

Posted on by

I know I said that the last blog post was the last for this weekend, but I had to tell you that around here the employees expect a tip for pretty much every service they provide. If you walk into the casino employees attract to you like little gimpy Mexican children with chicklets in Cabo San Lucas (which isn’t intended to be racist about all Mexican children, it was supposed to remind you of those needy eyes that say, “Please, if you buy these chicklets I will stay out of school and the maimed arm will have continued to serve me well in this endeavor to be a needy person in need of your money). Jessica has now gotten up from her short nap and is ready to go see all that is the glory of the Caesar Forums [insert sythesized recording of fanfare here].

Sin City or Salt Lake?

Posted on by

Today while passing through the airport in Denver we were presented with a conundrum. And when someone presents me with such a thing I like to ponder it. The conundrum was do we try to smuggle ourselves onto the plane destined for Salt Lake City? The wholesome town of meandering Mormons? Or instead do we get on the plane that our tickets tell us about, and go to Las Vegas? The not so wholesome town that was actually settled by Mormons 🙂 Kinda hard to believe that such a reclusive bunch of religious folk would be taken over by the mob, and then eventually Hollywood studios and tycoons.

Today while walking through the mirage I noticed an intersting detail: no coins were in use. The quietness in the casino was distracting. I suppose that by moving all of the transactions to being digital they can reduce minor leaks presented by ethically challenged employees. To fix the problem of no coins they have speakers that make ‘tinking’ sounds as if coins were falling into the empy coin catchers below the ‘slot’ machines. Except that metal has been welded over the slot. So instead its a bill or house player card machine. Weird.

Of course the best part of Las Vegas so far was the sight of my co-worker holding an alcoholic beverage at 11:00 in the morning. But since he’s from Texas it was like 1:00 which is a totally reasonable time to go drinking 🙂 We’re hoping to have a good time here trying to do all of the G-rated things we can come up with. The Mirage has some dolphines and a small wild animal collection. Caesar’s next door has a very large shopping ‘forum’, and the sidewalks are littered with pictures of mostly naked women on baseball card-like ‘tracts’ that immigrants hand out on the sidewalk to attract men (and sometimes women) to go to topless bars or brothels. To me it seems like they should make soup at brothels. Vegetable brothels, chicken brothels, and of course beef brothels should produce corresponding broths that are sold at the super-markets.

However, I doubt that we’ll get such delectibles out of such sinful houses of ill repute. And even if we did, they’d have to be closely monitored for STD’s. I guess we’ll just stick with animals, shopping, and eating about every two hours at yet another fantastic restaurant.

Since my internet connection costs money here this will be my last post until Sunday night or later. Have a good weekend!

Mens Dress Shoes

Posted on by

To continue on my series of ‘Randy pretends he has fashion sense’ type posts tonight I went to buy black mens dress shoes.  Who designs these things?  I swear to you that almost every shoes less than $100.00 they soles are made from recycled iron maidens.  That is to say they’re incredibly uncomfortable.  Considering I don’t wear them very often I can’t justify that sort of expenditure.  Worse, the designs were very weird to me.  I guess I didn’t expect to be as opinionated as I was, but some of the shoes literally looked like the bill of Scrooge McDuck from the Disney Ducktails cartoon.  Done in black of course (or brown).  Then there were some shoes that looked like they’d been cleaved in half by a random hatchet murdered, but then carefully and professionally stitched up so as to fake you out into thinking they were supposed to look like that.

To Jessica’s credit she has somewhere between 10 and 20 black shoes.  I don’t think that 7 of them look any different to the other shoes, but she identifies small nuances that make the shoes unique.  Tonight I learned about nuance.  With multiple manufacturers making the same shoe styles I was able to pick out small curves that were cut differently, different lace types, and of course various types of ‘cushion’ inside of the shoes.  I prefer shoes that feel like my Vans: soft, cushiony, and sporty.  That way when some thug asks me to play a pick-up game while I’m dressed up I can easily get schooled in my comfortable shoes and sweat out a perfectly nice shirt and pants.

I guess I just expect to get schooled in style and comfort instead of looking like I killed a cartoon duck and then tried to implement the Spanish inquisition on myself.

Periodically, Like a Magazine

Posted on by

Periodically people move, and when they move their bodies burn calories, which explains the profuse amount of processed foods available at various establishments.  And at the Belle Taco establishment today I saw this lovely sign (snapped with my cell phone, sorry its low quality)

Closed spelled WRONG

If you look closely you’ll notice that closed is spelled as if the sign creator was a super clever fellow.  Or maybe they are a product of the Aurora Public Education System (APES).  What do you think?  Does Taco Bell need signs like this everywhere to go with their “Think outsid3 th3 bun” ad campaign? The burrito I ordered was just the ingredients rolled in the tortilla.  Thus when I lifted it out of the paper wrapper much nastiness fell into the (conveniently located) bag.   Drivers b3w@r3.

Christmas Wish List

Posted on by

I have had several folks ask for a Christmas wish list. Rather than email it to a few who ask, and then re-email it to others, I’m going to post it here, apologies for those of you who read this blog for other reasons 😉

I have one heavily starred request on my paper list for my in-laws in Indiana. Many moons ago they got me an IU mug (probably to remind me where I should move when I get to ‘heaven’ 😉 ). That mug has been used so heavily that it has finally just cracked from temperature fluctuation over time (going from room temperature to 210 degrees over and over again apparently wears things out. Who knew?) I would like another one. The mugs remind me of that part of my family and I often pray for them as I drink my beverage. And, no, I don’t pray that they’d move to Colorado 🙂

Other things for the rest of the world:

  • Wood working clamps. 24 inches or so would be great!
  • PSP games (can be used, I’m not picky): SOCOM, Wipeout Pure, Tiger Woods, Star Wars Battlefront II, and Tony Hawk Skateboarding
  • Amazon has nice, high quality guitar cables: Monster Standard 100 Instrument cables, 12 ft
  • Jars of Clay’s new album, Good Monsters
  • A Shop Vac. Apparently Jessica doesn’t want to wade through saw dust

More Fiber!

Posted on by

Have you seen the commercial with all of the foods with holes in them?  Its a commercial for a fiber supplement.  Its a commercial for a fiber supplement you put in other foods.  Its a commercial for a fiber supplement that they suggest you put in spaghetti!  If God wanted fiber in my spaghetti He would have put celery in my spaghetti.  And cookies need fiber, too.  Don’t forget that.  You need more fiber in your yoghurt, your milk, your ice cream and your steak.  Fiber is apparently the other, other, other white meat.

Pardon me, I’ve gotta run.  Get it?  Run?  The runs?  Fiber.  Nevermind.

So I went to the Mall…

Posted on by

And who lets these teenagers go out with their brains turned off? I went into Hollister, which is kind of like a clothing store, except that the first thing that you think when walking in is not, “Clothes!” Instead you think, “Must have air!,” because they have perfume all over the place stinking the store up to the point where you honestly consider buying things at Goodwill instead, because you’re sure the clothes look as bad, and that the air will smell musty instead of like the inside of a perfume bottle.  Upon departing Hollister we walked about the mall attempting to get to various places to buy things.  At one point in time two teenage girls exited the shop I was about to pass and slowed me (and all three frillion people behind me) down because they were walking in the gear right before reverse, with little gas.  I don’t know what made them think, “Lets slow this whole mall down,” but whatever it was, I’d like to have it outlawed.

Whew!  I know that sounds cranky but it was a day filled with shopping, and while I love shopping, I love shopping with efficiency even more.  I’m an efficiency nut, which is why I drink water in glasses instead of from sieves, cullenders, funnels and firehoses.  I also try to buy low emission vehicles that get good gas mileage.  And, to reduce my shopping headache I shop for the holidays now.  Which is not as good as shopping in July, except that sometimes people want to get gifts that are more recent.  If I could pre-order more of life, I think I would.

There were other funny things that took place at the mall such as watching the elevator doors nearly close on a baby stroller because the designer of the elevator figured that the moms and handicapped people who were going to ride in the elevator also were Olympic athletes in speed training.  Fortunately the mother in charge of said stroller was a veteran and shoved the stroller further into the elevator causing the doors to relent.  Relent Green is people [sorry, I just thought that since soylent and relent sounded similar…].  Once in the elevator the scary scene in the movie started.  You know the one where the deep rumbling sound starts and then higher pitched dissonant sounds kick in and you really know something bad is going to happen?  The nasty, nasty sounds from the thriller movies were coming from the mechanics of the elevator.  Yippee!  But as passengers we didn’t race out of the elevator once the rapidly opening (and don’t forget closing!) doors expanded to their open position, instead we slowly paced out so that those getting on would not know that they were getting into the scary elevator.  We should have been screaming just to freak people out 🙂

One last brilliant thing happened in the mall.  I saw a security guard pick up a pair of balloons that had lost their ‘float’ and slowly lower the ribbons from the balloons into the garbage can and then take a utility knife *cough* of the swiss variety *cough* and pop them.  In the mall.  In case you have missed out on the sound of balloons popping in your life let me gently remind you that they don’t just go, “phhhhhhhhh.”  Popping balloons go BOOM!  And since post 9/11 too much of America is still scared of being wiped out at the mall.  By terrorists.  Shame on the security guard who has the sense to get rid of the extremely dangerous “unattended items” in the mall, but in a way that scares the kaka out of a large group of trapped lemmings.  By simply cutting the balloon by the thicker rubber at the knot he could have released the air in a slow and quiet way.  But Lone Tree’s best apparently like a good laugh.

I guess I laughed, too.  Inside, because I knew that laughing at all of the brainless teenagers and mindless adults would probably get me beat up.  And I didn’t need to be beat up.  If the security guard was as dump as it appeared/sounded he probably wouldn’t know how to break up a fight anyway.  At least I might have smelled good when it was all over if the teens shopped at that one ‘clothes store.’

Questions for Randy: Britney/K-Fed Edition

Posted on by

I get asked by friends sometimes, “Randy what do you think about [insert some topic here]?” They ask because they know that I have an opinion about pretty much everything. I have an opinion about everything because I’m a collector. The Franklin Mint issued a series and I’m paying a monthly fee to collect opinions now. This morning my friend Robin asked, “So, what do you think about this britney/Kevin thing?” [editors note: this question was prompted] And since I figure that most of the internet cares about what I know, what I don’t know, and what is really happening in the lives of two famous personalities I thought I’d answer her here.

First we need to look at the facts. For example, Britney Spears used to be a hot property, but now that she’s had two kids she’s slightly less hot because people figure that Kevin had to actually involve himself with her in a way that removed the status of ‘sex icon’ and turned her into ‘mother of two.’ I will note that my wife is a mother of two and she’s still hot property, but she’s my hot property and you better keep your hands off. Another fact is that Kevin Federline, much like Ali-G is a fictitious character. How can we know this for sure? I believe that his middle name being ‘Earl’ is a dead giveaway. My grandpa’s name is Earl. I had one classmate in 6th grade who was named Earl, but otherwise, nobody is really named Earl. Secondly we know he’s fictitious because he doesn’t wear his hat correctly. Fake hat wearing is clearly a sign of fake people. Lastly its important ot recognize K-Fed as a fake person because K-Fed is blatantly a rip-off of the FedEx logo as witnessed by the graphic below:

Comparing the Obvious

The truth of the matter is that real people are involved here. People with real hearts, real feelings and a need for real love. unfortunately they’ve bought into the political agenda that I would call, “Hollywood.” That agenda tells them that love is purely a feeling and that money, sex, sex and more sex are the most important thing to a famous marriage. And sure, it sounds nice on cellophane, but its just sad. I hope that the miraculous will happen and both Britney and Kevin will wake up one morning and realize that they have to be real with themselves instead of worrying about how they’ll look on YouTube.

Counted.

Posted on by

I went and voted this morning. Growing up I was told by my parents that I had relatives that didn’t vote because they didn’t think that it mattered. That was hard for me to grasp. While I knew that certainly I wasn’t a dictator, I also knew that I had been given power to change the way things happened in this country, my state, my county and my city.

If you haven’t voted, and for some reason are sitting on the fence, please consider printing out a provisional ballot, going over the ballot (this could take a while depending on where you live), and getting to the polls. Sure, you and I may have voted differently on various things, but we’re exercising a right. And the thing about rights that every citizen must understand: each right is a responsibility, if you’re not responsible with your right – they may take it away. Then your vote won’t be counted because it won’t exist.