Category Archives: Satire

This is completely fake and bogus – no insult is intended, but complete laughter is desired.

Questions for Randy: Britney/K-Fed Edition

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I get asked by friends sometimes, “Randy what do you think about [insert some topic here]?” They ask because they know that I have an opinion about pretty much everything. I have an opinion about everything because I’m a collector. The Franklin Mint issued a series and I’m paying a monthly fee to collect opinions now. This morning my friend Robin asked, “So, what do you think about this britney/Kevin thing?” [editors note: this question was prompted] And since I figure that most of the internet cares about what I know, what I don’t know, and what is really happening in the lives of two famous personalities I thought I’d answer her here.

First we need to look at the facts. For example, Britney Spears used to be a hot property, but now that she’s had two kids she’s slightly less hot because people figure that Kevin had to actually involve himself with her in a way that removed the status of ‘sex icon’ and turned her into ‘mother of two.’ I will note that my wife is a mother of two and she’s still hot property, but she’s my hot property and you better keep your hands off. Another fact is that Kevin Federline, much like Ali-G is a fictitious character. How can we know this for sure? I believe that his middle name being ‘Earl’ is a dead giveaway. My grandpa’s name is Earl. I had one classmate in 6th grade who was named Earl, but otherwise, nobody is really named Earl. Secondly we know he’s fictitious because he doesn’t wear his hat correctly. Fake hat wearing is clearly a sign of fake people. Lastly its important ot recognize K-Fed as a fake person because K-Fed is blatantly a rip-off of the FedEx logo as witnessed by the graphic below:

Comparing the Obvious

The truth of the matter is that real people are involved here. People with real hearts, real feelings and a need for real love. unfortunately they’ve bought into the political agenda that I would call, “Hollywood.” That agenda tells them that love is purely a feeling and that money, sex, sex and more sex are the most important thing to a famous marriage. And sure, it sounds nice on cellophane, but its just sad. I hope that the miraculous will happen and both Britney and Kevin will wake up one morning and realize that they have to be real with themselves instead of worrying about how they’ll look on YouTube.

Extra! Extra! Laptop Makes Aurora Man Superhero!

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This evening the power went out.  I think it went out on a date, but I couldn’t tell.  I just new it was gone, but my four year old did not like the night-light not working and proceded to panic like I had sicked a pack of rabid centipedes on her.  After I finally sedated her with several gallons of maple syrup and the last of our melting ice cream Jessica and I headed downstairs to sit in the dark.  Some of you might think of this as a perfect opportunity to make out or something else like setup the tent in the basement and pretend we’re camping and light several small wooden pieces of furniture on fire and roast marshmallows.  Instead I pulled out my laptop and offered to spend time with Jessica doing something she likes to do.  Apparently watching movies is something that people do on non-comuter-like devices.  I suspect that is why I paid so much money for my television with the huge 24 inch screen.  Alas the television does not come with its own power backup.
My MacBook Pro does come with such a backup and Jessica and I sat in the near darkness of the candle light in our basement and watched part of some movie I can’t remember [just kidding, it was “50 First Dates” – that was a memory joke].  The electricity being off means that some of the background noise I’m used to from electrical devices was missing and the quietness of the laptop speakers in their normal environment didn’t show up.  The screen, which was set to be as dull as possible to preserve the limited battery power worked great in the darkness of the room.  And Jessica was wonderful to cuddle with.  She insisted, after the power came back on, that we not stop watching until after the scene where Drew Berrymore beats the snot out of Rob Schneider with an aluminum baseball bat (which is completely rediculous because in real life a single shot with that bat would take most people out, but Drew gets him over and over and he still ends up running off).

OK, so I probably didnt’ end up a super-hero, but I did get some good time alone with Jessica, and that’s powerful stuff.

Florida, the Unsouth State

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If you love Disney[insert land mass name here] then you’ve most likely been to Florida and discovered that while Florida is technically connected to the South, but is not the South.  It is much like California, which is west, but they killed all of the Western Californians with some political bill and so now only non-western Californians are allowed to live there.  Florida has the most old people per capita, second only to cemeteries [and some have debated that it may be third if you count the US Congressional branch of government].  By old people I don’t mean over 50, which would be a wrong assesment for sure, but I mean people driving with their head over the steering wheel, peeping through the gap between their dashboard and the bottom of the top of their steering wheel.

Strangely enough, as dangerous as these drivers sound, there are actually few accidents reported in Florida because these old people are not able to sense the accidents they are involved in.  They drive vehicles so smashed up that the new dents don’t look any different from the old dents.  Of course the upside to this is that there are few deaths involving old drivers.  Except when counting the ones where the person was driving 15MPH and no one noticed that they were dead because when they were alive they drove that slowly and hit that many obstacles.

The rest of the south doesn’t have this problem because no one lives to the ripe old age of 85 due to their cooking.  If you’ve ever seen Paula Dean on the Food Network then you know what I’m referring to.  Her low low fat recipes, when compared to the tofu eaters in California, are the highest fat recipes in California.  You know the receipes where they fry the tofu?  This is worse.  The other mortality factor involved is religion.  In the Bible belt they know how old old is, and if Methuselah lived to be 965 years of age then by golly 95 is spry and young.  If the man can aim the car in the right direction, send him off – out into nowhere.  A swamp or a river will take care of any of the dangerous ones!

So I propose that we create a new region in the US geographical terminology: the Unsouth.   This would include all of Florida, parts of Texas where they have imported yankees to work with computers, and the parts of New Orleans where the Yankees on permanent spring break live.

Disney would be so proud!

Jingle Bells…

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If you’re not ready for Christmas… why not?  The stores are already starting to prepare.  Get ready for the slow building of holiday music as you shop, get ready for the discount Christmas cards to be out ready for you to pick up.  Get ready for the school children to swing by our door and ask you to help them raze funds for a school camp, class projects, or to pay for facial tissues because the schoolz no longer provide those.  Get ready for long(er) lines at the stores.  And most of all, get ready to pass around the Fruit Cake.

Although it is rumored that some readers of this blog like fruit cake.  And so now I pass on the challenge to my sister: make a fruitcake that isn’t nasty.

My Nority

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This is a highly opinionated, highly controversial post with satire, philosophy and predictions all built in.  Read with discernment.  If you don’t know what discernment is… don’t read this, please.
It turns out that being white, and being on Sesame Street no longer go together.  When I watch television (with oh, so much regularity) the last thing on my mind is race or color unless the script/actor/marketer makes it a part of the show.  For example, having Snoop Dogg do something automatically plays the race card because he’s been ‘pimping’ hard gangsta life for so long.  But when you put Denzel Washington doing something, or Samuel L. Jackson doing something I don’t automatically switch to racial profiler mode.  Nor do I freak out when I see Asians, Latinos or Jews doing something.  Unfortunately on Sesame Street they’re so concerned for “minorities” to be represented that they’ve made non-minorities the minority*.

What this does is breed the problem.  It is part of the postmodern America that we are becoming.  Postmodernism says that I can’t understand you, and you can’t understand me, because we’re different.  Different people can’t relate.  However, it also says that I should strive to understand you, as long as I understand that I won’t fully understand you.  So I get mixed messages, mixed cultures, and mixed chex, but I can’t understand any of them.  Which is OK, because I’m pretty sure that you can’t understand me either.

At least we’ll all be ignorant, confused, and in the dark ages together.  This time we won’t be under the religion of Rome, we’ll be under the religion of the universities, the government propoganda and the media.  What’s ironic is that in a couple hundred years people could say, “The second dark ages were caused by ignorant people who were tribalistic.  Ironically it was started by a group of people trying to end tribalism.”  But then the students will all be bigotted towards the New Yorkers or the Los Angelinos or the Denverites.  Or worse yet, Texas will have finished its conquest over North America and we’ll all be Texans changing our ‘All.’

And the children will watch Sesame Street and learn about Co-operation in a bar where more than one redneck has a weapon.
* I find the term minority to be offensive because it puts an emphasis on people that is unfair.  Instead of being a person, the person is a sub-classified person.  While that makes sense for a sensus or demographic marketing research for racial profiling in a capitalistic environment, it really, really ticks me off that we have to focus on this stuff over and over again.

7 Things in 7 Days: Day 7

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The Internets.  I love them.  All of them.  DARPA, AOL, dialu-up, broadband, ISDN, WiFi, usenet, BBSes or mobile phones.  I love the internet connections that bring me funny things like the standup comedy that inspired the name of our new dog.  I also love that I can email friends, family and business contacts as well as Nigerian spammers for so little.  Of course I really need to reply to a few people in the very short term because they’ve been waiting on me 🙂

I love that the interwebs bring bloggers together so that you can leave comments on this blog.  And other blogs.

I love that blogs are called blogs on the sneakernet.  Blog is short for ‘weblog’ which is a name somebody came up for an online diary.  Which is a name somebody came up with because saying you have a diary on the internet sounds kinda stupid.  However, it is now commonplace for folks to embrace the intersnot movement of MySpace usage.   Except for me.  I cannot for the life of me create a MySpace account.  If someone held me at gunpoint and said, “Create a MySpace account or I’ll blow your forking head off! [which they would totally say because I ask violent assailents not to swear around me]” I would just start crying because it is an absolute impossibility for me to get past the CAPTCHA part of their account creation page.  It simply will not let me in.  Which is fine, because I don’t want a MySpace page.

I also love that the Internut has Xanga, which is like the ‘Junior’ version of MySpace.  It is where more safe oriented people create severely handicapped blogs.

And of course, who doesn’t love that the internot hasn’t brought together people from all over the globe.  I read about people I’ve never met (but would love to meet) who live in Seattle, New York, Australia (sorry, Phil, I don’t recall where you live), China, Texas, Salt Lake City, and can’t tell you most of my neighbor’s names.  I’m going to remedy that one day by become a politician, and then I’ll finally have a reason to knock on their doors.

7 Things in 7 Days: Day 2

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I have more blogs and email addresses than any sane person should have.  By blogs I mean sites running on blogging software.  I have email addresses all over the internet and I think that if I were to check them all regularly… they’d have less spam in them at any given time.

I just started another blog yesterday morning, but I’m not about to post the URL here because it would be highly offensive to the ‘Highly Offended, Legalistic Christian Jerk’ [that’s probably a hint but it won’t do you any good on Google, yet].  I have a blog about theology, one about design & development and also one about me being a closet environmentalist.
I have email addresses all over the place including Yahoo, hotmail, gmail, randypeterman.com and various other places that I’m not going to reveal.

Viewing the Stars

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If you’re like me you’ve never watched ‘The View’ all the way through… and the only reason that you watched 15 minutes of it in the first place is because you were sick and you happened to have dropped the remote control far enough away that the increase in nausia brought on by moving towards the remote had to outway the nausia from the show.  Its tough to guage that number because its different for everyone.  Chuck Norris probably gave his television a look and it changed the channel while people like myself had to deal with the emotional battle brought on by the predicament.

Lately in the news it appears that Star Jones-Gastric-Bypass-Reynolds is at odds with her co-host Barbera Mummy-Walters.  And by odds I mean she pretty much wishes she hadn’t lost all of the weight through *cough gastric bypass surgery cough* diet and exercise so as to sit on Barbara’s frail skeletal structure and end the feud.  Barbara on the other hand has handled things really well if by really well you consider that she’s playing the media – her only source of attention – against Star Johannesburg-Reynolds-Wrap.

This sort of jockeying around is just rediculous if you take into account that most people don’t give a rip about Star Jones’ celebrity status.  Once someone finally takes out Kathy Griffith Star Jones can have her show, “My life on the F list.”   Barbara Walters could have her own show, “How being under intense lighting for interviews can help keep your skin looking young and looking like old suitcase leather.”  I think the only solution will be for the two of them to go onto Montel William’s show and kiss and make up… until Rosie O’Donnell comes out from the back room and changes the dynamic of what I meant by kissing and making up.

The View may forever be dead now that they’re losing Jar Stones-Reynolds, and gaining Rosie O.  And it won’t have anything to do with either of them… I think someone’s going to discover that Barbera Walters is secretly Yoda and can the View.

Today is Twice as Scary as it Could Be

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Today is Friday the 26th, which is like Friday the 13th x 2.  So instead of being scared and supersticious, I challenge you to go out and walk under ladders, meddle with black cats and break several mirrors.  Since today is the 26th and you are feeling adventurous, go ahead and drive 2 x the speed limit.  If the police catch you, tell them its Friday the 26th and that things are twice as safe as they would normally be on Friday the 13th.

Other things you might want to try on this day of guaranteed safety:

  1. Run with scissors
  2. Use that canned food that has high signs of botulism
  3. Get Botox, maybe your face will look younger and still move.
  4. Go to Trinidad, CO and play a game of ‘guess their original gender’ with a megaphone*

Or, you could just go about your life in a normal fashion.  But I don’t know much about fashion.

* Trinidad is the sex change capital of the world.  But if you play this game get someone else to video record it, because that would be hilarious!