Category Archives: Satire

This is completely fake and bogus – no insult is intended, but complete laughter is desired.

Happy Fifth of May

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We used to get excited about Cinco de Mayo as kids because at school it meant that we could talk about the liberation of the Mexican people from Tyra Banks. Wait, no, the tyranny of the Spanish government. Not, really. The fifth of May was like any other day in May to us. As kids we didn’t care about what color our classmates’ skin was, we didn’t care about their immigration status it was much more important to have good playground game skills. I had a classmate named Jorge who disappeared one day. He just stopped coming to school. We didn’t know why. Some of us speculated that he’d moved. Some speculated aliens, and others just shrugged and moved on. Now, given all of the political hoopla about immigration, I wonder if his family was deported. I lived in California, and they have a lot of illegal immigrants.

But [not] seriously I actually look backwards to the fifth of May, mostly because any previous fifth of May I was younger than I am now, and I’m reaching thirty in a year and a half and getting into another decade of my life scares the crap out of me. Well, not literally or I’d be going through office chairs like kleenex on any episode of Mauri Povich wherein the girl finds out that it was the fifth guy she slept with who is the father of her child. It’s such a relief to find out which guy is the father. Speaking of which, being the father to my daughters becomes increasingly rough because they’re cute, but they’re rapidly torpedo-ing into girls and not babies, and from girlhood they will escalate into teenagers, and from there they might get married, make me a grandpa and then I will be officially older compared to a year and a half from thirty.

I have to stop now lest I start crying and my tears cause my wireless keyboard to electrocute me. Which wouln’t be all bad, if I died from keyboard electrocution Jess could probably sue Microsoft and be rich for decades.

Computers, It’s What’s for Dinner

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Computers are always improving – well, actually, that’s not true. The technology that makes up computers continues to develop and move forward. Its either progress or greed, but either way, computers are faster now than they’ve ever been. They’re also darn hot. I think that during the Summer I’m going to turn off my computers to reduce the heat generated in my house. Wait, that won’t work for my work. However, they’re darn warm sometimes. I’m thinking we should harness this energy to cook food. Just imagine putting a potato on your CPU and being able to eat it at the end of the work day!  And when your potato’s done you can serve it on one of your hard drive platters 😉

Kids These Days

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I just had one of my friends’ sons ask me if I’d ever heard of a Robo-Raptor. Heck no. Of course not. No way. I’m 28. That is like asking me if I wear womens clothing with regularity (that too is supposed to be a rhetorically implied negative). I haven’t looked at the latest toys for (mostly) boys in years. And I sure don’t know what their names are. I think this officially puts me over the threshold of ‘twenty-something’ to ‘curmudgeonly-old-guy’. I’m OK with nose piercings, tattoos, iPods and various technological changes, but can we PLEASE have the OLD Legos back? You know the ones that were not kits of 30 special parts to make the dino-crapto-saurus? Let imagination and creativity be the focus not lifelike plastic replicas of things that may or may not have looked like modern artistic interpretations?

I remember when we used to walk barefoot through the snow because we liked it that way and it put hair on your chest (or in the case of women it was preparation for childbirth). OK, that’s a lie. I don’t remember that. I do however remember creativity was encouraged by teachers instead of test taking skills and television had scary Skeletor and not pansy claymation construction workers with talking tractors. Kids need a little fear in their lives. Now the closest thing to Skeletor they have is Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton.

America’s Next Top Squirrel Hunter

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Note: This is just satire. Jessica asked me if I was insinuating that she was part of the dumbed down masses. I told her that it was satire to which she promptly told me that I could satire my way through three loads of laundry, washing the dishes and licking the toilette bowls clean. Very funny indeed. OK, she didn’t really say that to me. Which is fine because this is satire, its intended to be rediculous, and completely false. That’s what makes it funny [well, that and it would help if it was actually funny].

I don’t know about you, but I feel like the networks have exploited the reality television genre enough now that I’m ready for something more fake. Take for example the ‘Next Top Model’ idea. It is a copy of American Idol. Which is a copy of Star Search, which is a copy of the Ed Sullivan show which was a copy of the Magna Charta. And as all American and British historians know is a copy of the original Da Vinci Decoder ring rumored to be in circulation among a secret society of cracker jacks connoisseurs.

The problem is that the shows are not as real as real life which means they’re edited down and pieced together to be interesting to the dumbed down masses people who find them interesting. The problem is that reality is much more boring for most of us. But I’ve got an idea that will change all of this. Everyone needs to spice up their lives by doing something interesting and intense every day. That way it will force the networks to cut back on reality shows and hire people to write good television documentaries. I think that’s the direction television will go… if it starts moving backwards. Actually the new hit show will be much longer than most shows because it will be made for television movies – except they’ll be worth watching. And there won’t be any cliff hanger endings, you’ll feel good about how all of the loose ends are no longer loose and instead, much like Pamela Anderson, they’re wholesome and make you feel good about yourself, your body, your peers and world peace. Wait. No. That’s not right.

This Has Got To Stop!

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As revealed in this article it is clear that baseball players need to stop reporting the wrong age. Sure, steroids are an issue, but we have got to stop reporting that various players are certain ages that they are not. The last thing the public needs is heroes that are younger and older than they are.

Since Kirby Puckett not actively playing any more none of my baseball cards will have the right date for his birth.

And believe it or not between my brother and I we have multiple Kirby Puckett baseball cards. I don’t know that they’ll go up in value or not though just due to this scandal of age discrpency.

Dear Kevin

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Dear Kevin,
Would you please stop giving out my cell phone number as your phone number? Sure, there are lots of good reasons to be anonymous and give out wrong information such as fraud, theft and practical jokes, but I’m tired of people calling me up and asking for you. I will confess to liking my ringtone/song so I do enjoy the music playing but I don’t want to get calls for you.

I may in the future start answering the phone as you and see what they’re calling about. Maybe I can have a little fun at your expense as you obviously are having fun at my expense. I’ve noticed that its not just guys or just gals that call which means that you’re not using my phone number to pick-up dates. Well, it doesn’t mean that, but it is highly unlikely.

Well, I just wanted to publicly write this to you since apparently I don’t have your phone number any more than the rest of the world.

Regards,

Randy Peterman

Much Better

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Yesterday I posted that I wasn’t feeling all that well. Today Jessica, Abby, and Evie are all not feeling 100%. Go figure. I am feeling better, but they are feeling worse. Further, Jessica and I were planning on starting our competition to see who could lose 300 pounds first**. Being sick slows us down a few days but we’ll be back at it once we’re all better. My goals for early 2006 include learning to ride the unicycle (which is rather intense) and to lose some weight so that I can be buff like my brother and brother-in-law Kurt. Or buff like Buffy the vampire slayer. She must be buff with a name like that.

Of course one of the biggest problems with being well built is that everyone asks you to open up stuck pickle jar lids, lift their cars so that they can change their flat tires and bend spoons with your mind. I think I’ll be up to those tasks if I can just learn how to ride that “won wheeled wonder.” Of course the problem with riding a unicycle while buff is that people will think you’re a really, really weird guy to spend so much time working out and then wasting it on a unicycle instead of becoming a super hero. Sometimes its tough to be a super-hero-unicycle rider, but someone’s got to do it. And that someone is not me.

** That’s not a typo, its a joke.

One of My Worster Mistakes Ever

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Last night, in what is possibly one of the sins in life that could be compared to say, murder, being discovered to not be wearing clean underpants when you get in an accident or not flossing daily: I went into Wal-Mart for a quick pickup of a few items Jess had put on my shopping list that were not at Whole Foods Market. Woops! I said ‘Quick’ and ‘Wal-Mart’ in the same sentence. However, this is not about sins or quick, or a quick sin for that matter (see: teaching a 3 year old potty words).

What amazed me was that a 2 liter bottle of Fresca no calory fruit soft-drink was 88 cents. A 20 ounce bottle was $1.20. If you do the math I could dump what I didn’t need down the drain and come out ahead just for buying 2 liters. I don’t think Coke is making its $100 billion on 2 liter bottles, but instead from those smaller bottles that people buy for convenience.

But enough about convenience. I think the Wal-Mart employees are working so slowly at the checkout lines because the ‘Wal-Mart Channel’ speakers are blaring Wal-Mart propaganda at them and their customers for hours on end. You can’t listen to, “We care about you and your family at Wal-Mart,” while making a $5.34 an hour as a cash register clerk and think, “Heck, yeah! Wal-Mart cares about me!” In fact if anything you can only think, “Turn this freaking thing off before somebody gets a load of damaged groceries for free!”

I especially liked that the Wal-Mart channel had a suggestion that people bring in photos and have Christmas cards made. One happy customer on the commercial said (and I’m not making this up) that people called her to tell her how professional they looked. Do you call people up and say, “Dang, Lucy, that’s the most unprofessional Christmas Card I’ve ever seen. If you send something like that out again, I’m never going to talk to you again!” I didn’t think so.

So, I learned a valuable lesson: buy cheap soda at Wal-Mart. But I learned a more valuable lesson: don’t shop at Wal-Mart period.

A Fine Car Indeed

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Last night I went to pick up the Peer family from the airport. We own a green Honda Civic 4 door. It seats five. Five small people. Five small anorexic people. Five small anorexic people who do not have luggage. Five small anorexic people without five pieces of large luggage and some backpacks.

Our Honda civic is too small for carrying that many people. We had luggage on laps, I think we were dragging something off the bumper as well. I think we’re going to go get ourselves into debt for a mini van on Black Friday 😉 Just kidding. However, our fine car gets great gas mileage. It gets the good gas mileage through the use of a special turbo charged lawn mower engine. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s in there because if it was any less powerful with 5 anorexic small people with no luggage it would not go.

This is in no way a complaint about Hondas. They’re great cars. But you have to use the car for the right purpose. But you know what they say: When you’re a Hammer everything looks like a Vanilla Ice.

How To Go To Hell on the Internet, Don’t Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.00

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This is a completely satirical look at what will make you go to hell. This is not biblical, it is not true, it is me being weird. That being said, “Here’s the way to go to hell on the internet.” Oh, and sorry for the technical nature of this post if you’re not a junky like me.
[start from the bottom, it’ll be better that way]

  1. React to those emails as if they’re true.
  2. Forward Emails that have been forwarded by at least 20 people before you without clearing out the cruft.
  3. Use the ‘blink‘ tag on your HTML page.
  4. Be a domain squatter – this is a guaranteed eternity in hell.
  5. Disable Google ‘Safe Search’ on their image search while searching for pretty much any female name. This is straight up pr0n surfing.
  6. Using Peer-To-Peer file sharing for non-educational purposes.
  7. Using Internet Explorer 5.5 or less to surf the net on Windows – 6.0 will cost you 7 weeks in purgatory**.
  8. Using Mosaic – any version – to surf the net.
  9. AOL – no need to say more.
  10. Writing about what time you woke up in the morning on your blog… every day.

** No, I don’t believe in purgatory