Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Abby, What Do You Want For Lunch?

Jessica asked Abby, “What do you want for lunch?”

“Cheese, Pretzels, and Marshmallows,” Abby replied naturally. As if we all have that for lunch every day. The humor for me in this lies in the fact she didn’t say ‘hot dogs’ or ‘fries and chicken’ which are her usual responses. We feed her healthier food than those listed usually, but she sure does know what she likes!

Of course the plan for dinner tonight involved shoving a beer can up a fowl’s nether-regions and grilling it, so I can’t say that as adults we’re too much more sophisticated than her cheese and marshmallows.

Abby’s Prostate

So I got a prostate pillow for preventative reasons. It is a pillow that rests on my chair to prevent from having ‘excessive pressure’ on my prostate and bladder. I’ve got prostate issues in my family and since I’m feeling older at twenty-seven I thought I’d just give this cushion a whirl. It arrived today (still waiting on the camera, argggh) and Abby was so excited. I explained to her it for for Daddy’s prostate. She said, "No, Abby’s prostate!" At which point Jessica and I had a hard time breathing we were laughing so hard. She cracks us up in her ignorant bliss.

Last Weekend

Last weekend we stayed at the Kaes‘ house and watched their children Kailey and Trystan. We had a great time (though I didn not manage to get enough sleep) and I think Kailey and Trystan still like us. Abby did well and managed to not injure herself, which is a bonus since she seems to go out of her way to get hurt while at their house 🙂 Craig and Krystal had a good time on their anniversary weekend trip and warned us that we too would probably have a good time on our weekend trip this coming weekend. The aspens are changing colors right now and I ordered a new digital camera to get some really top quality pictures (of course I’ve figured out how to spend thousands of dollars in new equipment to complement the new camera).

Sunday afternoon we went to the Egypt exibit at Denver Museum of Nature and Science, or Natural Science and Nature Museums, or Denver Museum of the Expensive Viewing of Dead, Mummified People [Thanks for taking us Mom and Dad!]. The reason we went is because my mom had a birthday. And since she was getting older looking at even older people made her feel younger. Plus, Abby, seeing a display of the Mars MER rover said, “Look Dad, Chocolate Poo-poos.” Of course that was in refernce to the rocks at the bottom of the display.

Sunday night we took my parents out to dinner at the Claim Jumper, which is a pretty nice restaurant with generous portions and the largest cake slices I have ever seen. We ate good food but the actual waitress’ service was not so good. I had to ask for refills regularly as she walked by and smiled without actually looking at our table’s contents. However, I believe my mother enjoyed the meal, which was the purpose of the evening. Oh, and Abby made her own chocolate poo-poos in the restaurant’s restroom, whichw as good since had she done it in her pants it would have been much more challenging 😉

Advert Eyes Mint

So I got a CD-ROM in the mail today, it was a beauty, on the outside it had printed in largish letters: “Here’s the ComuServe software you ordered.” However, I did not order any software from CompuServe. In fact, to further disprove their own first statement the address lable says (and this is brilliant), “Current Resident
Or Current Resident”

Yeah! I’m feeling like using this for another coaster. Old or junky CD‘s make great coasters for your home office or a special gift at Christmas, like the teal uni-sex sweater.

Jessica Chopped Her Hand Off

Jessica didn’t really chop her hand off, but she did scream in such a fashion that I thought she had severely injured herself. Or, maybe Abby damaged a part of her body. Nope, that wasn’t it either. Instead a spider was on the couch. Such emergencies call for heroic action like nothing else. I swept in, found said spider (smaller than a quarter) and with a piece of paper-towel (‘The quicker spider upper’) ended the poor creatures life. However, the couch is now safer for the change that was also inhabiting the elongated seat.

Environmentalists Excited About New SUV Developments

Environmentalists are excited about the new International CXT. This truck like beast is larger and more expensive than most Hummers, and even some houses. However, and this is whey the environmentalists are happy: it can haul 20,000 tons. Shanaia Buttercup was quoted as saying,
“We hope to use these to be able to haul more demonstrators out to nuclear power plants and dairy farms where much of the worlds polution really comes from.”

The new CXT shads for Crazy Texans (XT is TX Backwards), which is the primary market for the new truck. An International spokesperson said, “Texas buys more trucks than any other country in the union. We expect to see these trucks lifted, with even larger tires and with custom mud flaps reading, ‘Mine’s bigger than yours.’ within no time.”

Detroit big-wigs have not released any statements on how they think this will affect sales of the Ford Excursion, GM Suburban or GM’s other trucks the H1 and H2.

I just think they’re retarded 🙂

[link via kottke.org]

Why Did the Jobs Disappear?

So I was reading a bit of an article on lots of Information Technology jobs disappearing. I would like to point out that after the ‘Dot Com’ bust the jobs died because American (and foreign) venture capitalists were morons. We employed people in this country to sit behind desks and play video games as receptionists. You say, “How do you know?” Because I’m married to one of those ex-receptionists. She quit the job because she was so bored with the job. The pay was excellent, like most start-up jobs, but the work being done was horrible. Beer was in the fridge, Pizza was ordered out all of the time and work was not done very well. That is why there are not as many tech jobs. The tech industry had a bowel movement to get rid of the crap and get down to work. Speaking of which, I better get to work to make sure people get quality software in a timely manner.

First Time Bungee Jumping

The first thing you should know about Bungee jumping is that your first time should be from lower heights to get you aclimated to the free fall. Fortunately for me I tried bungee jumping from a mere five feet. You see at five years old I was playing it safe because I couldn’t climb any of the taller trees and I wasn’t sure how to make things go. In fact I wasn’t trying to bungee jump at all, I was trying to parachute. I had taken a plastic bag from the grocery store and placed my arms through the handle holes and then wrapped a small bungee chord around the branch of the tree and then affixed the other end to my belt buckle loop.

I braced myself for the wonderful feeling of being suspended in the air (due to the ‘parachute’) and then lept out into the wide open space below me (wide open was a relative term because I had about a one square foot area upon which I could land without destroying some of my grandmother’s garden). To my surprise the grocery bag did not open up in a wide parachute but instead, blocked by my body the opening of the bag did nothing, much like the Vice President of the United States. Fortunately I had a backup plan, the bungee chord. This chord, measuring approximately 18 inches in length had lost at least eight or nine inches to the branch and so the 10 inches of elastic bands stretched to their limit quickly and I found my male parts severely restricted as my pants strained at the belt loop to be free.

I quickly bounced up. OK, not really, instead I hung their by my belt loop in pain until the sheer weight of my five year old body pulled the belt loop off of my pants and I fell well beyond the one foot area. Of course I was going to have to explain to my mother why my pants were missing a loop but what delight and joy I experienced once the blood flowed into my legs… I had invented a new sport.