Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Camping Story

Well, a brief summary of the camping, but not so brief as last time.

Friday evening we left Denver late enough that we stopped to eat dinner at Chipotle. This was mistake number one. Don’t eat beans while sleeping in a tent with your wife. Don’t eat beans while sleeping in a camp ground where others might hear you reap the rewards of bean eating. Don’t put two bean eating tents together lest those tents produce a ‘call and response’ sort of passing wind festival of beans.

Mistake number two was that I left the air mattress at home because the car was full. I should have left home the three pounds of trailmix I bought. My back was incredibly sore that night. I was also incredibly not sleeping. Abby didn’t sleep well either, which means that Jessica and I didn’t sleep well on top of anything else that might have caused us to not sleep well [rocks].

Mistake number three was not bringing matches or a flashlight. Fortunately we had a small flashlight in the glove compartment of our car (we never have gloves in there!). That flashlight lasted all weekend long… which was amazing. The Kaes and the Doyle’s brought plenty of camping supplies that made up for our lack, but I still felt silly.

Note to self:
Make a checklist next time and don’t forget the hatchet.
Second note to self:
Buy a hatchet. You read the book in Jr. High, you know that with a hatchet you could rule the world.

We had a great time and on Saturday, since the Doyle’s had to leave the our family and the Kaes family went for a hike. What fun it was. Craig ripped down a tree with his bare hands (and a little help from me). Smokey the bear shortly thereafter hunted him down and ripped him down with his bear hands. OK, not really, but if you’re an environmentalist pretend you didn’t read that. OH, and seriously, the tree was already dead, Craig just uprooted it.

That night we ate a feast of various things the ladies had brought and also sang songs around the campfire (I wedged my guitar into the car, but not the air mattress). The Lord blessed us because we also got to sleep on an air mattress Saturday night since Mike Doyle left us his and promised to come up on Monday to help us pack up. Mike left us his sleeping bag liners as well, Donna left Jessica her water retardant coat.

If we hadn’t had the air mattress we’d have been uncomfortable. If we hadn’t had the sleeping bag liners we’d have been in worse shape than without the air mattress since the cold weather swept in and mad a mess of our camp with its windy cohort.

Sunday morning we woke up and I crawled out of the tent into snow blowing onto my jacket. Fortunately it didn’t accumulate much, but it was a surprise. I walked over to the Kaes’ tents and discovered that they too thought leaving for dryer, warmer and friendlier climates was a good idea. We packed up, came home and then basked in the sun all the way home. Serious. It was as if Denver was having summer break while just 50 miles away snow was having its way with the mountains and the people in the campsite near ours who drank way too much Coors (you can’t drink anything else in the Rocky mountains) the night before.

Oh, and there’s pictures of the good part of the trip.

White, Two Year Old ‘Jive’

Abby doesn’t really know jive, but I’m reminded of the elaborate handshakes and coded language of yester-year when we put her to bed or down for a nap. The sequence of events follows closely along this outline:

  1. Big Hug (makes you feel good)
  2. A Kiss (makes you feel ‘gooder’)
  3. Eskimo kisses (rub noses together, I’ve sometimes heard this referred to as ‘b*tt*rfly kisses,’ but ever since the Bob Carlisle song I’ve wanted to plug my ears and gouge out my eyes when I hear or see the term.)
  4. Bonk heads together(I have no idea where this came from)
  5. Push our ears together (came from me)
  6. Push our elbows together (me, again)

Abby insists that these things be done before she goes to bed, funny, but true.

Please approve: “God”

In what was a funny subject for an email message WordPress sent me an email asking me to approve God. No, not literally. An comment with key words in it triggered WordPress’ filter to ask me to approve the message rather than just publishing the garbage online. In this case it was good because someone had tried to leave a nasty comment on my post about God.

I am glad I don’t have the authority to approve God 🙂

Why I Sing So Well

I get asked all the time (read: never) why I sing so well. I have to confess that a majority of the singing I do during the week is around 7:45-8:15 PM while I brush Abigails teeth. I don’t brush her teeth for thirty minutes, but the brushing usually happens within that range of time. Before you panic and think of our dental bills, Jessica brushes her teeth in the morning. I brush my teeth at lunch so that our lone toothbrush is usually dry by the time each family member uses it. That way whatever we spend on dental bills we more than make up for by saving on toothbrushes.

Abigail enjoys brushing her teeth because her Grandma Forland whilst working at the poshe dental supply company, J.B. Dental, purchased her a Mickey Mouse, song playing, electric, rechargeable tooth brush. After each minute of brushing (assuming that being on is equal to brushing time) it plays a little encouraging song. The song is helpful because it lets me know when one minute is over and then it also makes children wish that everything else in life played little songs every minute. Fortunately the toy companies are onto this and so our apartment is a constant cacophony of beeping, laughing Barney sounds, giggling Abby sounds and bleep-bloop-bloop sounds of various edutainment contraptions.

Of course many of these toys play songs that Abby wants me to sing with her. These songs, singing times and repetetive melodies keep my voice in tip-top shape ready to break out into the A-B-C’s, Old MacDonald Was Quite Alarmed, Twinkle, Twinkle Kenneth Star, and my personal favorite: B-I-N-G-O. I can clap that song like a pro, I’m a clapping fool when that song comes on. That song is particularly dangerous during teeth brushing time, I’d sure hate to be holding Abby’s toothbrush in her mouth and accidentally try to clap at the wrong time 😉

AudioBlogging: Dumb

This MP3 file has got to be one of the funniest serious things I’ve heard in a while. Way more funny than the RNC or this little video clip. Why is it funny? Because it exposes the silly nature of audioblogging on the web. I have often wondered why various technologies or trends come into play, audio and video blogging is one of them. You’ll have to listen to it to understand.

Hat tip: Simon Willison

Registering My Car Part I

I have to register my car, I’ve put it off for some time and so today I went to do it because I’ve almost run out of time before all of my Texas stuff expires. What a screwed up setup they’ve got here. Now, I know what you’re thinking, "There’s something stuck in my teeth." But you’re also probably thinking about how the government always has things screwed up. You’re probably right.

Anyhow, you should note that you must get your car inspected for emissions. I don’t know why, I know my car emits things, usually fumes that if I breath too much of I’ll die. Then, because I’m from out of state I had to have a VIN confirmation done. This is a check that costs an extra nine dollars. I figured it was cheaper than some checking systems because they must have to use computers to check to see if the car was reported stolen, or if there’s some issue with the car in the government records. If you were thinking along the same lines, you’re wrong, and so was I. Instead this check involved a gal looking at the VIN on my dashboard, the VIN on the side of my driver’s door [actually, it was the car’s dashboard and door] and the odometer reading. She signed the paper, I gave her my money and in $10 minutes flat she’d made just under $1.00 per minute. No computer checking software, no government database access, just two eyes, a pen and some paper and I was ‘legal’.

The fun didn’t stop their either because I had to go register the car now that it had been scientifically proven that my car emitted things from its tail pipe, the VIN numbers matched on my door and dashboard and my odometer was not showing 2 miles. I had to go to a building that was approximately 3 miles away and wait in a line to prove that I could pay more taxes and fees to own my Honda. I went up to the information desk and asked roughly how much registration might be. I had foolishly assumed that there might be some flat tax/fee that you pay and then they let you show that registration paper to the police if they so desire to see it. wrong. She told me it could be anywhere between $100.00 and $150.00 but she wasn’t sure, the computers would tell me [Sure use computers here].

The gal kindly called my number (the ticket said B29), "29." I rapidly stood up because all of the people working behind the counter called out numbers like it was an auction and I didn’t want to be skipped. One gal called out 24, waited (I’m not making this up) 3/4ths of a second and then called 25… So anyway I’m at the counter, she asks for my papers, I show them to her and she says after about 30 seconds, "Do you have registration that’s newer?" I told her not with me and so she sent me off and tomorrow I get to go again. The part that chaps my hide is that I already passed the VIN inspection which would in my humble opinion need the registration paperwork to prove that I’m me and that I own the car (or am making payments on it). So, tomorrow morning, bright and early I’m heading over there to register this car, I will do it, and I’m getting there before 7:00 AM, when they open.

Things NOT to Search For

OK, so a while back I made a list of things that you might want to dress up as for halloween. Here’s a list of things people have searched for and arrived here because the search engine associated it with this blog. I repeat to you the title, these are things you do not want to search for. Why people did, I don’t know.

  1. overflowing diapers
  2. Anything to do with the Women of Walmart or the Women of Home Depot
  3. amish in the city desktop wallpaper
  4. what does “aol for broadband” give me [a head-ache]
  5. preciuos moment coloring book
  6. white castle meat
  7. news about operah and jury duties [because that’s not how you spell Oprah and for goodness sakes, she’s a U.S. Citizen, let her serve on a jury!]
  8. actress bowel movement [I don’t want to know why you’d search for that]
  9. doc ock arms schematic
  10. More Rumspringer[sic] [What was wrong with the first Rumschpringe]
  11. war on the infadels [I shutter to think what this would bring]
  12. soccer head butt brain [A total second grade insult, “You soccer-head-butt-brain!”]
  13. barney purple dinosaur for hire michigan [No-o-o-o-o!]
  14. potty training in 1 day [Are you out of your mind? That’s impossible]
  15. “john edwards”, cute [is someone looking for an affair?]
  16. satire [it’s called Freaky Friday!!]
  17. “wearing a bikini top” [Don’t.]
  18. climbing [climbing what? The walls? Mountains? Into your high chair?]
  19. fort worth security guard needs

Sorry if some of that is a little off-color, I don’t think it was questionable unless you’re questioning why someone would search for those things.