Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Dental Update

As I know that many of the readers of this blog sit around thinking, “I sure wish Randy would spell check his posts,” or “Do my hands smell like bleu cheese?” I want to let you know that it turns out that my mouth is in much better shape than I had anticipated. Or the people at the dental office I just visited lied to me so that in about 3 years they’ll be able to say, “Randy, we need to replace your face, and we figure that since you don’t have dental insurance, it’s going to cost around $5,000,000,000.00.” However, I think it is better rather than worse there sense the staff is either really friendly or inhaling laughing gas between patients. I have no cavities and they really thought that the only way to get more money from me would be to use this technique called invisiline to straighten out my lower teeth and manipulate my upper teeth. In short the Dr. in charge of invisiline nirvana at the office told me it would be a mere $4,500 for the trays with a $500.00 initial ‘seed’ payment. So, if I want straight teeth I can go to the Orthodontist or the Dentist now, and I can pay a lot or pay a lot. Or, because I don’t care about how my lower teeth look I’ll go in every six months and have them clean them.

Thanks for asking the tough questions 🙂

Lessons in Swimming

Well, we had swimming lessons yesterday and quite the time of it, too. Apparently when you swim there’s this thing called ‘form.’ The idea is to have a consistant motion that propels you through the water. The instructor gave us tips on a swimming stroke called ‘Free Style.’ When it was my turn to show him my free style swim when I surfaced he said, “Good!” Then, in typical teaching fashion he kindly told me that every part of my stroke, movement and activity in the water was slightly to severly off with two exceptions: I didn’t sink and I didn’t drown.

However, I get the sense this morning that swimming is good for me and something I should pursue as a physical activity because I’m really sore in more parts of my body. I’m most likely going to join the Recreational Center so that I can get going and practicing my strokes, build large muscles and generally turn myself into Colorado’s next Gubernator.

In other lessons in swimming Abby had a nightmare last night and so came to be in our bed. We let her sleep in our bed for a bit so that she can rest and relax and fall back to sleep. Stupid. Why? Because Abigail was practicing her free style swim between Jessica and I. Arms flailed, feet flew about kicking both of us and her body writhed against us. The tough part is that she was asleep while all of this happens. I couldn’t be mad at her for intentionally kicking me in the kidney if it was an accident. So at around 3:30 as we started the second round of her swimming practice I carried her into her own bed to practice in a solo session.

Tips on Playing Doctor

My two year old, dearest Abby, loves to play doctor. Wherein she insists on shoving a fake plastic thermometer into my mouth. Wherein I refuse and get in trouble with ‘Dr. Abby.’ However, it’s safer that way because I know that she has no concept of what sterility is, cleanliness is and generally no sense of hygiene. I love to play with her, but I have to draw the line somewhere because just like working 168 hours a week you might be able to do it, but it would eventually come back to bite. I might actually have to go to the real doctor to fix the ailment that I got from the two year old doctor.

So, I recommend the following:
Over react to everything you pretend have. Make a big stink about being sick
Don’t let anything actually get into your mouth.
Don’t actually take any of the pills that a young doctor might try to cram into your face
Above all fake the intake of the item, whatever it may be. If it looks like you got it into you, the world is a better place.
Lastly, don’t play doctor too long, come up with other things to do together, like playing stuntman who jumps out of tall trees. Then, when you get injured you can really go to the doctor.

Swimming Lessons

I have been able to be buoyant in the water for some time. But when I ‘swim’ it usually involves way more splashing than is necessary. In fact, I wish that I was only wet while in the shower so that I could not embarass myself with my, “Holy Cow! That man must be drowning!” approach to swimming. I’m not drowning, really. I’m just moving through the water with the gracefullness of a cow being eaten by piranas.

However, tomorrow I’ll be starting swimming lessons. My goal, and I’m not making this up, is to be able to swim in the pool and not get noticed. I also hope to get some cow-print speedos. OK, I’m lying about the speedos.

File Under Double Speak

Piracy hits Hollywood in the wallet
OR
Record Profit from Movies

You pick. I doubt that the internet is undercutting the movie industry, the fidelity of the movies you can get online comes no where close to the giant screen that I saw Meet the Fokkers on last Sunday. And if Hollywood was producing outstanding films with regularity maybe people would be going to the movies more often rather than waiting to see them on DVD. Speaking of which, Mark Cuban has a good idea (again) along this line.

Filter Out Certain Commercials

A Whole Lotta Nothing: Cialis Disfunction: Can we please stop airing special commercials about fixing various penile issues? I really like to see commercials about erectile disfunction, really, it makes me feel so manly knowing I don’t need it. However, I really, really, really don’t want my two year old seeing things like that. The last thing I need is for her to be sitting at the breakfast table in a restaurant and say something like, “I want pancakes and viagra. Oh, and Milk!”

(via James Robinson III)

Loan Ranger

So we’re getting ready to meet the load arranger to start the (scary as heck) process of buying a house. There are several fears I deal with in all of this:

  • Lack of knowledge about what’s going on
  • Lack of control
  • Lack of resale value

I like control, I like knowing that I’m doing something the right way, and preferrably the best way. However, in this process I know it’s not going to be the best way, but it will be the way we can do it (I don’t have 20%+ down). However, I don’t understand how the whole process goes, and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to ‘get it’ quickly.

Because I don’t have a complete knowledge of the process and all of the terms involved I feel like I lack control.

Since the housing market is in constant flux I fear that the value of any home I may purchase will suddenly plummet because of any various change that may strike us, our neighborhood or the market in general. For instance, what if our Jerry Springer neighbors that live above us move into our neighborhood and bring the value of the homes down? I can’t imagine that driving by and hearing a young male scream, “You [words I wouldn’t type on my blog]! I’m going to [other words I won’t type] kill you!” I’m pretty sure that will cause some neighbors to want to move, and others to just call the police. Any regularity of either of those will bring the property value down. Also, what if Satan moves into our neighborhood and makes the Jerry Springer neighbors look good? This too is guaranteed to make the prices of the homes in the area go to hell [gosh that one liner amuses me]. And, lastly, what if the housing bubble that some have described us being in pops and I find myself paying the mortgage for a $230,000 house that is actually only worth $150,00 since Microsoft declared bankruptcy, WalMart bought out Target and Bill Clinton won a third term? Think of the catastophes!

So, as usual, I just need to trust God and seek His wisdom while all of this goes down. Pray for us in this as it’s going to be a bumpy ride and I’m going to have to go to the dentist in a week.

Corn Girl

This afternoon when I put Abby down for her nap her breath smelled of corn chips that she’d had a little earlier with lunch. I said to her, “Good night, Corn Girl.” After about 30 seconds I heard her yelling through her closed bedroom door, “I’m Guacamole Girl!”

My mistake!

Free In Home Consulation

No, that’s not a typo in the title, it’s marketing. Actually, it is a typo, but it was on a commercial that I saw this evening while working out. There was a home theater company offering their services to come in and (apparently) ‘consul’ with you. I suppose that it would be pretty cool if you were their competition. They’d not only look incompetant, but it would also have helped if they had not shown the text twice on the screen as one of only three things they put on the screen as text. Oh, well. I guess that if I ever want to run a spell checker on this site it would return a lot of typos.

This is the white kettle calling the white pot… white.

Abby DC

This evening Abby started singing some AC DC. Now, for those of you who are wondering, “How on earth do you fit into your clothes?” I’ll answer that later. For those of you wondering why my two year old was listening to AC DC it is because the skateboard video game I have has it as part of the cycling ‘musictrack.’ The song that AC DC performs is ‘TNT.’ However, Abby, being young and not the most familiar with the alphabet changed it to DAD. So she walked around this aftenoon and evening saying, “DAD, Dynomite!”

Priceless.