Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Read Words the Way They Were Meant to Be Read

I love it when I read something that just is so redundant or such a non-statement that I think, “I would probably write that on my blog… as a pun, one liner or joke.” Take for example this blog entry by one of the big-wigs at General Motors. It has a classic statement in it that only a seasoned executive or crumby writer like myself could make:

We want Pontiac to be a performance-oriented division offering vehicles that can really be driven the way vehicles are meant to be driven.

Now I will point out that he goes on to clarify this statement, but that would be no fun to just concede and go home a quitter. No, I want to think about the alternative methods that you could drive a car:

  • From the back seat like I do when I’m a passenger
  • Blindfolded. This would just rock, or at least for about 5 seconds it would. Once out of ‘park’ or neutral, you’d be hosed.
  • Two wheels. What would happen if you were to attempt to drive on only two wheels? I can do this on a skateboard (or Tony Hawk can on my Playstation 2), why not do it in a car?
  • In reverse. Think of the joys of having your transmission installed incorrectly and actually being able to go 95 miles per hour in reverse. Tell me that you don’t want to try this at least once.

Now, remember this is all just in fun and that you need to read this as words were meant to be read: in a mirror.

Bin Laden Bounty

If a man’s life (or death) is worth$50 million why am I buying life insurance? Seriously. And why am I paying what feels like exorbitant taxes? Right now here is the message the United States government is sending:

  • Our national debt is not a concern – we keep making up money to spend on Iraq, bin Laden and inauguration parties
  • Taxes are not necessary to raise money to fund events and functionality within the government
  • I can get myself into enough debt to have caused George Washington to die of a heart attack had he seen the nation in that much debt

Fun, huh?

The Wrong Trousers

If you’ve ever watched ‘Wallace and Gromit,’ and lets face it, if you’ve watched Chicken Run, you’ve seen the animation work of the people behind Wallace and Gromit, then you might have seen the ‘Wrong Trousers.’ episode. This post has nothing to do with that. I just liked the name of the episode and so therefore I’ve titled this post such.

I’d like to warn Colorado in general that my new niece will be arriving at Denver International Airport next month towards the middle and I’m going to be overly protective of her so that she and her family are safe. If you notice that traffic is at a standstill between the 11th through the 15th next month it is only because I’ve blocked all of the major highways so that my family can safely travel where they need to.

If this sounds excessive, just remember that another important person, President Bush, got the same treatment when he came to town. Sure, Hawley’s a bit younger, probably hasn’t formed any political opinions and doesn’t run the country, but she’s important and I just want you to understand in case you are slightly put out by having to be late to work, lunch, dinner or the bahamas.

That is all.

Deer Momm, I Gotz a GNU SpellChacker

I have just installed the fancy schmancy spell checker into my Firefox browser so I can now check the spelling in these blog posts. Or course the down side is that I actually have to use it and it may take me just a little bit longer to post. However, my mom can now read this blog without thinking, “I hope that the other mothers who read this blog don’t think I’m a bad mom because my boy’s spelling is worse than the presidentz.”

Email Killed the Floppy Star

Do you remember floppy disks? Do you remember the 8-track? Do you remember the vinyl records? All of those are ancient data transfer methods. However, now with ubiquity of the internet, the speed of broadband (more than half of US internet connections are broadband) and the simplicity of email floppy disks have all but died. Sure, Dell was going to get rid of the floppy drive in their PC‘s several years ago, but businesses cried out, “We love old technology, give us Windows 95!”

So, kudos Apple for bumping the floppy. CD burning takes only a wee longer with todays faster drives and the data storage quantity means I won’t have to carry a suitcase if I want to take a lot of data somewhere (I would have to with floppies).

A Lot on My Plate

I’ve got a lot of work to do today, but I had to post an Abbyism. She’s having a hard time understanding that my wheat allergies make most breads a bad food choice for me. So today during lunch she stated to Jessica, “Daddy can’t have bread because it makes him fat.” Yeah, that too, but it’s mostly the wheat.

Big Burger

My sister-in-law sent me this link to a Big Burger. Apparently this is real. Apparently these people have a death wish and want to die of a clogged heart within a day or so. If they don’t have a clogged hear their toilette will be after eathing that much meat.

Lessons in Swimming Part II

We went to swimming lessons again this morning and I learned something very important: don’t suck water into your mouth when attempting to breathe while doing the ‘Free Style’ stroke. Apparenlty sucking water into your mouth during other strokes is acceptable. I also learned that the ‘Back Stroke’ is not a massage technique and that it too requires some finesse. As you know I’m loaded with finesse so the swimming came quite easily to me. I was like a duck out of hell water there in that pool.

Apparently my old war injury in my shoulder makes it so that when I bring my left arm around something that resembles a really out of balance tire happens. There is no circle, it’s more like a wobbly limb waving around like a wobbly limb. I suppose it’s better than waving around like a wobbly lamb, but not much better. I was able to get the back stroke down all right after several laps. Unfortunately I’m so tired right now that the word plays above were actually funny to me. I suppose this is a good thing since my desk-jockey life involves as much exercise as that of a person who watches TV all day.

Next week we’re apparently going to be tackling the butterfly stroke. As graceful as that stroke is I’m sure that it’s going to look like I’m tackling it. On the football field. In swimming trunks. Wearing no goggles because the only good ones cost more than I’m willing to part with for the short duration of this class. Of course if I want to make the money we paid for this class useful I’m going to have to continue on with my swimming. I guess we’ll have to buy a house with a pool or a really, really, really big toilette.