Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Yankee Clipper

So this morning I got up bright and early. This of course was due to something that wakes me up that starts with the letter ‘A’ but is not an Alarm Clock. Abby came in between 5:70 and 6:10. I think that’s what time it was because I sure as heck didn’t want to get up. But I got up eventually and we went out and watered the plants. Well, I set her to watering the plants while I trimmed the rose bushes. That’s a good plan, right? Having your two year old spraying the plants, house, sidewalk, windows, ants and anything else near her with water? What on earth could be wrong with shotting pressurized water at delicate petals at point blank range?

So I clipped the shrubs picked some weeds and generally made a P. Allen Smith of myself. Of course P. Allen Smith’s flowers are in better shape and he probably knows exactly whats wrong with his roses when they get spots on them, but for me, I’m ignorant and I’m going to have to ask someone who knows. Then, after I had finished clipping I actually watered the rest of the plants. The plants that were starting to wilt in sheer jealousy because Abby had started flooding the sidewalk while their dirt was dry. The plants that have frankly amazed me with their durability since they’re still alive at our house. Yes, those plants got watered. Tough luck for the plants in the back yard, but I’ll get to do them tomorrow.

Cavity Search

I’m off to the dentist this morning. I hope that they don’t find any cavities. That is unless I have cavities, and in that case, I hope they find them. But, as I was saying, I hope there are none in my teeth. I brush my teeth once a month whether they need it or not and I floss every time the dentist/hygenist does it. What more could I need?

Gasp! Actors are Real People!

As this headline points out: Actor Pitt admitted to hospital. Holy Cow! Can you imagine they actually let actors into hospitals for things other than rehab? This is huge news and we all need to get ready to send Brad cards, flowers, and Billy Bob Thornton should send him various pieces of Angelina Jolie’s wardrobe that he’s still hanging onto.

What will we do with sick actors? They will have to take days off from visiting their villas, filming their multi-million dollar movies and generally playing up the hedonistic lifestyle that we imagine they have. Those doctors better hurry up and fix him. Stat!

Crack(er) Head

I’m sunk. I’ve hit an all time low. I gotta eats me some Cheez-Its. Get your own box. Abby, Evy and Jessica don’t stand a chance, I will eat them quicker than they could get into them. As a provider for my family this is a humiliating confession, but I have to eat these small, square, orange bits of cheezy love.

There is hope though, I hear that Hi-Ho’s are also good and can offer an alternative addiction…

More Mexicans Agree…

I have had yet another Mexican food meal. This stuff is great! I’m going to import Mexican Texans to Colorado and just have them set up food establishments. I think it’ll catch on, we’ll call it REAL Mexican food. I think that we’ll also sell sombreros and Churros by the dozen. I will do the Mexica hat dance and eat more refried beans than is healthy, but it will be good.

Iron McChef

To the fine individual, working dutifully on the culinary aspect of the food at the McDonald’s inside DIA,
Thank you for going the extra mile for me while constructing the breakfast sandwich I ordered. I know it is difficult to work under the conditions that are given you in the tiny kitchen at the McDonald’s facilities at DIA, but I know you are thriving in the challenge. Others have failed, but you will succeed.

At first when I opened up the sandwich wrapper and saw that the food appeared cold, mashed to one side and possibly older than the fruit from which my orange juice was de-concentrated. Of course my second thought – and what I believe the truth is – was that you were working on the presentation of this breakfast sandwich. I think that if you were in charge of naming it you would call it the McDeluxe warmed omelet presented in pieces garnished with aged cheddar in a decorative paper wrapper.

I apologize for not taking a picture of this work of art since I know that original pieces of this caliber are probably more rare than people are aware of. Given that most of the food products that are part of the McDonald’s food repertoire are produced to exact specification I recognize that you may have actually been putting your job on the line by being artistic and creative. Fortunately, your work was not misunderstood and I was able to appreciate its quality.

I am in awe.

An Easy Mistake

Abby just got up out of bed (it is bed time). She called out, “Daddy! Daddy! Did you hear the ant?” I replied in the negative. She said, “I heard the ant. I made a mistake with the ant and the airplane.” I asked if she mistook the airplane for an ant. “Yeah, I thought the airplane was an ant, Daddy.”

An easy mistake – one we could all make 🙂

What to Wear in Court II

Some time I wrote about a site that allowed folks to put captions on things and the entry had the title: What to Wear to Court. Bad move on my part. Now folks are coming to my site looking for clothing advice. If you’re reading this looking clothing advice, you’re on the wrong blog. I recommend the following outfit for 99% of your life: T-Shirt (white, black or possibly blue) with Jeans (blue, loose fitting preferred). When you go to court, you can wear a button up shirt, but don’t lose the jeans! Clothes in court are half of the battle. The other half is whether or not you’re the guilty one or not. If you’re a juror, make sure you wear your sunglasses in so that they don’t see you looking at anything but the person in the stand or the judge or attorneys.

Oh, and make sure you have on clean underwear in case the defendent escapes and kills you – your mom will be proud 😉

note: this is a joke article and if I’m ever called to a jury I will do my civic duties with pride and honor – attorneys please don’t weed me out because I like to laugh

Territorial

When Jessica and I were dating we were rather defensive around each others ex’s with the exception of two people: Jeremy Telling and Glory ‘Bucky’ Bucknell. Jeremy was the bass player in my band and Bucky was Jess’ best friend for part of our dating time. Once, while I was over at Jessica’s parents’ house in Nevada her ex boyfriend showed up out of the blue to ‘say hi.’ It so happened that I was fixing something that was broken in the house with my “Swiss Army” knife and so I came out to ‘meet’ him and kept the knife out and played with it while he was there.

I’m such a goober, I couldn’t have stabbed an animal if it was attacking me let alone another human being. I just wanted him to get the message that this was my woman and that he best move along and say, “hi,” to someone else. So, what is your favorite (or worst) ‘ex’ story? I’m a faux macho man/knife hunter – are you a killa gangsta, too?