Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

7 Things in 7 Days: Day 3

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Laugh. If you don’t laugh it makes me uncomfortable. When I get nervous I start cracking jokes about anything in site. I could be at the proctologist’s office in the room getting ready for the exam and the used kleenex [please, Lord, let it be a kleenex] in the trash can would be the prefect prop for a story about that one time when so and so did such and such and we’d all laugh and everything would be OK.

I get on the phone with folks and we’ll have to discuss something serious and I can’t for the life of me keep a straight face I must tell a joke even if we’re discussing something like death, disease or a major world catastrophe. I am not trying to belittle the topic, I’m trying to cope. Sometimes when I write satire for this blog (or in an email) the purpose is to get people to think. But rather than come out and be brutally intense, I’ll make it an attempted piece of humor because I find it disarms people.

I probably am not as funny as I think I am, but I try. If everyone’s laughing, everyone must be OK.

Habanero Hands

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Yesterday at lunch I picked a young habanero pepper with my bare hands.  I didn’t think anything of it because it was a quick pick followed by putting the pepper on a paper napkin and then a quick hand wash.  Evening time came and I cut the pepper up (again, bare handed) and roasted it on my grill after de-membraning it.  I cut the membrane out because I’m completely scared of a whole, raw habanero – I ate one once and then unate it hours later.   By the time dinner was over my hands started to itch in certain spots.  About 10:30, after having washed my hands probably 15 times throughout the evening I rubbed my eyes because I was getting tired.  Doh!

I can confirm that rubbing your eyes with chili oils on your hands is a bad choice.  I can also confirm that cutting up a lemon and immediately rubbing the acidic juices on the oil infested parts helps neutralize the base of the peppers.  This was chemistry 101 all over me 😉
I would recommend using rubber gloves for all intense peppers as well as when doing dental work.  The roasted habanero fruit was great on my bratworst with some sautéd onion and orange bell pepper.  It had some heat, but not what I was expecting.  The moral of the story is that Icy Hot has capsaicin in it.  Capsaicin is found in peppers… and peppers and Icy Hot should not be placed on sensitive parts of the body 🙂

7 Things in 7 Days: Day 2

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I have more blogs and email addresses than any sane person should have.  By blogs I mean sites running on blogging software.  I have email addresses all over the internet and I think that if I were to check them all regularly… they’d have less spam in them at any given time.

I just started another blog yesterday morning, but I’m not about to post the URL here because it would be highly offensive to the ‘Highly Offended, Legalistic Christian Jerk’ [that’s probably a hint but it won’t do you any good on Google, yet].  I have a blog about theology, one about design & development and also one about me being a closet environmentalist.
I have email addresses all over the place including Yahoo, hotmail, gmail, randypeterman.com and various other places that I’m not going to reveal.

7 Things in 7 Days: Day 1

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There is a meme going around the internets wherein people are revealing 100 things about them in 100 days.  I’m shallow or something because I can hardly think of one thing to tell people about me in one day let alone one hundred.  So, therefore I’ve shortened mine to a managable list.  Today’s nifty thing about Randy that should scare the pooh-pooh out of people is:

I often tell people I’m a horrible liar [when the conversation mysteriously goes that direction].  I then go on with a story about my mom telling me and my cousin not to go down to the corner store and buy candy when we’re done with our paper routes and then we did anyway but we ate all of the candy before going inside – my mom walked outside to find my cousin cramming the last of the junk into his face and I got in trouble.  But the truth is that that is a lie.  Not the story about me and my cousin, but the truth is that I would lie to the judge and jury [not really if I ever go to court] if I thought it was a good joke.  I love a good joke and so if deception is part of the joke at first, I could boldly, blatantly and smilingly lie to impact the humor of the punch line.

This has, of course, backfired on me a few times like when I was in college and my friends were at another college.  I called up my friend Robin and told her that Jessica and I were alloping. That was all good and fun until my other friend, Sean, said that it really hurt her and that she was crying in the middle of her college classes.  Furthermore my ex-girlfriend Cindy was Robin’s roommate and Cindy, probably hating my guts or looking for a way to get back at me, corroborated with Sean and said that Robin had been all broken up about it.  In the end my accomplice, Sean, had turned the tables on me and got me all broken up about hurting Robin… lies are from the devil.

And if my girls ever read this: I know the truth about every lie you’ve ever told me – be afraid, be very afraid.

Bowels of Mercies

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I love the King James translation of the Bible for its strong language and there is something oddly poetic about it.  However, this morning I was reading Abby’s Bible she received when she was born in Grapevine and we were taking a look at Colossians 3 where the translators in 1611 wrote ‘put on … bowels of mercies.’  Abby’s 3 year old mind couldn’t comprehend what was being said.  🙂  Unfortunately I find myself reading like when I was a Spanish student: I translate to modern English from the 1611 English so that I can comprehend what is being said.

For those of you less savvy Paul was writing have a heart of mercy in modern vernacular.

My First Professional Massage

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I have never had a professional massage before Friday evening.  My dad use to work on sore muscles in our backs and necks when we’d get injuries from crazy stunts and such, Jessica has on occassion massaged my back, and ironically my best friend from the fourth grade through High School’s mom was a masseuse – but I never went to her for a massage.  So Friday night, as I stated before, I got a massage as part of my recovery from the auto accident.  Jessica has been saying how wonderful they are for some time.
The first half had some sensitiviy and pain involved where I was tender and had some deep tension in my muscles, but I couldn’t tell you about the second half: I fell asleep!  When living la vida loco it is hard to remember that things like this can reduce stress, reduce pain, and reduce being awake.  I don’t know how much a massage costs (this one was part of my treatment) normally, but I have seen them for $45.00 and hour or more, and every couple months this could be the perfect treat and decompression method for me.  I’m sold on the idea now.

However, no matter how Jessica talks about getting her nails done, I’m not getting mine done.

I Was Tired

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I was tired last night and came home from attempted firework watching and brushed my teeth and just crashed into bed.  Jessica, being a good mother actually was working on getting Abby to bed.  She woke me up to come participate in parenthood.  I sleepily stepped out of our room and participated in the nightly prayers and saying goodnight… like I normally do.  Then I did something not normal.  As a side effect of being so tired I brushed my teeth again.  I was about halfway through the brushing when I realized that it was my second brushing.  I finished because it seemed like a good thing to do and then went back to bed.  I don’t know when Jessica got into bed…I was out again quickly.

Fourth of July

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So to celebrate the Independence of the United States we did racks of ribs.  Jessica and I don’t have a lot of experience in feeding large groups ribs so we bought 4 racks.  That would be roughly the gross national income of a small country in ribs, but I guess I’m a generous host.  Jessica had read that you should count on half a rack for each person eating.  We had 8 people (7+2 youth + 1 Abby) so I got four.  I think combined everyone ate about 1.3 racks of ribs.  So we have left overs.

LOTS of leftovers.  At least the local grocery store was open when my propane tank went dry on me 🙂  The ribs were good, but took about 5 hours to cook so it was a labor of love.  And my love, Jessica, did most of that while I went to help my buddy Craig chop up wood from his tree that had blown into the neighbor’s yard during our funky storms of the last three days.

Speaking of storms we went out to watch fireworks in the car.  In the rain.  In a Toy ‘R’ Us parking lot.  And the fireworks did not come… because rain and fire do not play well together, sort of like Pam Anderson and the 1700’s shakers [the shakers believed in celibacy].  One thing that was fun though is that we had Kailey & Trystan with Abby, Jess and I so we played the camping game.  That’s the one where you say, “I’m going camping and I’m going to bring [insert item name] to start it and then each person has to add one item to the end of the list after reciting it from memory.  One of the tricks to the game is that you can add complicated adjectives to the items so it can be the ‘ooey-gooey green sleeping bag’ instead of the ‘sleeping bag.’  Abby did surprisingly well.  I, on the other hand, did poorly due to being quite tired.

I think fun was had by all and in the end I still have about 3 pounds of ribs to eat.  Tonight?  Abby’s first baseball game, if it doesn’t get rained out.

Viewing the Stars

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If you’re like me you’ve never watched ‘The View’ all the way through… and the only reason that you watched 15 minutes of it in the first place is because you were sick and you happened to have dropped the remote control far enough away that the increase in nausia brought on by moving towards the remote had to outway the nausia from the show.  Its tough to guage that number because its different for everyone.  Chuck Norris probably gave his television a look and it changed the channel while people like myself had to deal with the emotional battle brought on by the predicament.

Lately in the news it appears that Star Jones-Gastric-Bypass-Reynolds is at odds with her co-host Barbera Mummy-Walters.  And by odds I mean she pretty much wishes she hadn’t lost all of the weight through *cough gastric bypass surgery cough* diet and exercise so as to sit on Barbara’s frail skeletal structure and end the feud.  Barbara on the other hand has handled things really well if by really well you consider that she’s playing the media – her only source of attention – against Star Johannesburg-Reynolds-Wrap.

This sort of jockeying around is just rediculous if you take into account that most people don’t give a rip about Star Jones’ celebrity status.  Once someone finally takes out Kathy Griffith Star Jones can have her show, “My life on the F list.”   Barbara Walters could have her own show, “How being under intense lighting for interviews can help keep your skin looking young and looking like old suitcase leather.”  I think the only solution will be for the two of them to go onto Montel William’s show and kiss and make up… until Rosie O’Donnell comes out from the back room and changes the dynamic of what I meant by kissing and making up.

The View may forever be dead now that they’re losing Jar Stones-Reynolds, and gaining Rosie O.  And it won’t have anything to do with either of them… I think someone’s going to discover that Barbera Walters is secretly Yoda and can the View.