Its snowing outside
I love April’s winter weather
Flowers get frostbite
Category Archives: Funny
Lions and Tigers and Hairs
Yesterday we were instructed by a specialist to get rid of our couch & matching chair downstairs and to get our heating ducts cleaned out as well as get our carpets shampooed due to Jessica having a severe allergy to… pet dander! Yippee! The good news is that we now know some of what has been sucking the energy out of her day-to-day life for several years now. The bad news is that we had to go look at couches last night. At a furniture store. With three hundred variations on the same theme: big, wide, huge couches. Our basement, where the problem area is, has a narrow, skinny, awkward stairway down into it which makes getting any furniture up or down it difficult.
We finally picked one set which was twice as much as I had wanted to spend but significantly better than anything else and would actually fit down our stairway. I helped pick the house, so I get to live with narrow stairways. I’m excited we’ll be ordering them today because it will be good to help resolve Jessica’s issues. I’m just hoping that my family will understand if we show up at their houses with dust masks on 😉
Tell me if we shouldn’t have seen this coming:
1) Move into a house that the previous owners had dogs into while Jessica’s preggers and she’s low on energy, but we think she’s pregnant
2) Jessica’s mom moves in with us for many months with her dog – we think Jessica just had a baby so why shouldn’t she still be tired all of the time
3) We get a dog after Jessica’s mom leaves with her dog – and say, “Hey, the puppy keeps us up at night so why shouldn’t she be tired.”
4) We get rid of the puppy because Jessica is allergic to the puppy
Why we didn’t think, “Puppy-ness is still all around us – lets replace furniture and spend gobs of money to totally cleanse our environment?”
Five Reasons to Not Clean My Office
- It takes time
- Dust, once its collected, can be mixed with water and eventually turned into Stucco
- I can find just what I want where I left it – once I move the stuff on top of it
- If I clean my desktop Jessica will expect it again
- Adam was created from dust and so I feel like I’m closer to history
I Wish I Had A Better Memory
Do you ever have those conversations that just kill you with laughter? Each exchange of the conversation builds up to an even funnier ‘bit’? Me, too. Except that I can never remember then when I’m sitting in front of my computer. Its like my brain shuts off. I could walk away from this keyboard, have an exchange with Jessica, laugh, laugh, and laugh some more, come back here and my mind would be blank. It would be like I never talked to Jessica except for having a vague recollection of laughing with her.
I would say, “If I had a nickel for every time I had a funny conversation…,” except that a nickel isn’t worth as much any more, and you’d just feel worse that I have the memory of a flea.
Beardual Harassment!
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Yesterday as I was paying at the pump (and by paying at the pump I mean paying a lot of money for gas at the pump – why are these prices back?) a vagrant stopped by my pump and waited until I was finished pumping the gas to ask for money that would be freely given. It would be a better return on my money than the gas in a certain respect, but I’ll leave that alone for now and outline the conversation.
Panhandle Pete: “Hey, man, can you spare any change?”
Cheap Peterman: “No, I paid with a credit card and I don’t carry cash.” [which was in no way a lie, but possibly too much information]
Panhandle Pete: “Can you spare some goatee?” [flashing his toothless grin]
If I had given him some money I would have snatched it back at that moment. What?! Am I a proteinous follicle monster?
Update: This afternoon I put a tiny amount of gel into my beard to help straighten it out because it was getting messy. I think I may have a problem.
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Swimming Lessons in a Pool Full of Tears
Tonight Abby had swimming lessons, but as we left Evelyn just lost it. She cried and cried and cried. Tears streamed down her face that we would leave without her. We could have been going to Hell [Michigan] and she’d have wanted to come with us. Of course somewhere in Nebraska she’d throw an equally intense fit because she was still in the car. She’s become quite the drama queen. I’m praying the God sends a miracle our direction to cause her quaint little happy-all-of-the-time attitude to come back.
Pulling into the parking lot at the recreation center I realized that about 25% more people wanted to recreate than could park in the parking lot. No amount of patience that I could have or have supernaturally given to me was going to free up enough parking spots for me to fit in and get Abby to her lesson in time. So I parked around the side of the park on a side street and we walked to the pool. I think we cleared the quarter mile in about 6 minutes which was good given that Abby is so short and I’m so slow for being in the near prone coding position I sit in all day. [my legal team would like me to state that I don’t actually sit in the prone positionwhile coding lest I be released from contracts for being lazy]
Abby’s swimming lesson went well. She didn’t panic when the teacher instructed her to rest on her back (while being supported by the instructor’s arms). She didn’t panic when the teacher tied a lead weight to her middle and dropped her into the deep end. Abby was well behaved. [My legal department wants me to tell you that no weights were tied to Abby and the deep end of the kiddy pool is only 4 feet deep at most]
Of course the teenaged girl who was doing the group lessons appeared to be maybe fifteen or sixteen years in age if I’m generous. Its hard for me in my nearly-thirty state to just look at a teenaged person and say, “That person is [some number] years old.” My ability to judge ages for people on the whole is weaker now, but the teenagers throw me for a huge loop. I’m even finding some early 20 year olds hard to distinguish from teenagers. It is as if there’s some conspiracy to make me feel very old now. It won’t work, I’ll get plastic surgery and face lifts until I’m 45 and then I’ll just let it all go.
I’m hoping to bring the camera to Wednesday’s lesson. That way you can see pictures of this instructor with Abby and tell me that she isn’t barely older than Abby 😉
Tic-Tac-Toe
Abby was playing tic-tac-toe with Jessica last night.
After a few cat’s games [no winner] Abby asked me, “Dad, how do I defeat mom?”
If I only knew…
Low Hanging News
I shouldn’t pick on the news writers, except that its their job to write useful news… or is it? Take this article for example. I want to know what form of logic is consistent that allows you to have an influx of people into an area, that if removed, means that the area would lose population. You could logically say that if those people stopped coming into an area that the populoation would stagnate and eventually, due to death and alien abductions the population would go down, but you can’t say that because immigrants are moving into an area that the population would go down if they stopped coming. Its a false argument.
Let me put it forth in a formula because I can’t [SIC]:
Immigrants + population in an area = greater population
but that doesn’t mean that
population in area + 0 > population in area
I’m sure that’s a bad formula and I’m sure I lost most of the readers after the word forumula above.
Worst Horror Movie Concept Ever
I think this beats out any other prior bad movie concept. Biting Sheep and humanimals [not safe for children and probably work]. I don’t care if this is brought to us by the people who made Gollum, or the people who helped make Gumby, this is dumb. But the upside of bad movies like this is that you know that Hollywood is making a killing on movies to dump money into projects like this. MPAA: when money is being bled like this, please don’t come knocking on private citizen’s doors about losing money because of file sharing 🙂
Getting Up Early Helped A LOT!
By reading this article (link) you will get the impression that the switch to daylight savings netted almost no gain in power efficiency in the United States. I want to posit that the scramble that went into checking software out to make sure that it was ready for the change cost the U.S. more money in computer power and man hours than it will save for decades.
Sad.