Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Why Won’t the Toilet Won’t Work

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Abby came in asking me, “Why won’t the Toilet won’t work?” Which of course was a double negative. Everything my mother trained me to react with (correction) was held back because the last thing I needed to do was confuse Abby with why her potty was or wasn’t flushing. The not flushing lead to me lifting the lid off the top of the commode. Wow! Abby was very impressed with the inner workings of the toilet. I can remember the same wonder of how a toilet worked. Previously it had been magic, but then it became mechanics… mechanical parts to be played with.

I hope Abby doesn’t want to not not play with the toilet [I’m so clever].

Because I’m Insensitive Like That

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So today I had the privelege of leading the church service. I went through the announcements and prayer requests in the bulletin and then asked if anyone had any other prayer requests. One of the gentlemen said, “Bud [lastname withheld to protect the innocent].” Which made me ask Bud, who was sitting in another pew, what was going on. He replied, “They think I’m too skinny.”

So I said, “You’re going for the super model look, eh? You’re going to be on America’s Next Top Senior Model?”

Yes, I was on a microphone amplified throughout the building. Apparently I am missing that part of the brain that hinders my mouth from spouting out humor at the expense of the elderly.

**Oh, and for the record: Bud has a good sense of humor and thought it was funny.**

This Could Happen to You

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After having the same pair of sunglasses for 4-5 years I finally misplaced them.  They could even still be in my possession, I just don’t know it.  So yesterday I went to the Southlands mall and purchased a new pair.  In the process I shopped a few stores.  Upon going into the ‘Sun Glass Hut’ which sounds like a good place to get sunglasses, I was greeted by a young man who was eager to help me get some sunglasses.  Or so I thought.  Here’s the exchange that took place:

SGH: “Can I help you find a particular pair of sun glasses?”

Me: “Yes, I’m looking for a pair of glasses between $65-$75 with glass lenses.”

SGH: “That may be hard to find here.  Have you looked at these…” [shows me some glasses that are $120.]

SGH: “These are $120.” [picks up another pair and repeats the same mantra: $120.]

Me: “What can you show me that is in the $65-$75 range with plastic lenses?”

SGH: “We don’t have anything like that either.”

Me: “You could have told me that before when I asked you about the glass lenses.”

SGH: “Yeah, I guess I could have.”

Doh!  Morons.  Customer service is sometimes losing a sale by being honest but gaining sales over the long term through honesty or helping people get what they want.

Crying Myself in Circles

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This morning we went to the zoo to have some family time and to get out of the house.  At the zoo there is a carousel.  Upon installing Abby upon a black panther (the feline mammal and not the ethnically oriented militant, political group as you might have suspected) I noticed how big she was getting.  She’s not my little baby girl any more, she’s turning into a girl, soon to be followed by teenage girl and so forth.  I said to Abby, “You sure are getting big.”

Abby replied, “I sure am going to miss you when I get married, dad.”  I began holding back as many tears as I could in the manliest fashion possible.

Dishwasher Installation Tip

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If you’re going to install a dishwasher by yourself without the aid of a plumber: make sure you know what your doing.  Or, alternatively you could do what the guy who lived in our house did and install it yourself and hope everything works.  Its been two years that we’ve been in this house and I’m not thrilled to report that our dishwasher stopped draining correctly, in part because the guy installed it without taking into account that the hoses and tubes, when installed incorrectly, are guaranteed to siphon dirty water back into the dishwasher at some point in time because gravity and physics have a tendency to be constant.

Stupid laws of science. 😉

Dear Teachers

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Dear Teachers Around the Globe,

Please stop having sex with your students.  Seriously.  I’m tired of reading the headlines only to discover that this week no less than [editor: insert the exact number here] teachers had sexual/lewd/non-educational extra-carricular  activity with students. There is no gain in these women having an adulterous affair (at least those whom are married), the students engaging in sexual relations with people often significantly older than them, and for goodness sakes: those students will be ostrich-sized at school [SIC]!

I don’t know what holes are in your moral fabric, but if you find that your moral fabric was purchased at Victoria’s Secret and you’re having a hard time keeping your body a secret from the students… get a job at the IRS, you’ll be much less tempted there and you’ll be further away from students!

That is all.

My Very Own Disenfranchised State of Mental Being

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I realized something about myself this morning.  I realized that I am a disenfranchised individual.  Unlike some franchises I cannot join with money or a change of sexual preference.  Nope, I’m a white boy who cannot, for the life of himself, get the rhythm he so wants.  I’m not a Republican or a Democrat because no party specifically embodies what I believe and behold.  I cannot, at present, be part of the long-beard franchise.  In no uncertain terms do I want to be part of the Fedora Hat franchise.  I’m not fond of being extreme in a political manner because I find that being extreme in any direction besides passive gets me connected to franchises I don’t want to be part of.  As a Christian I’m a non-denominationalist, which is to say I’m not part of any brand/breed/franchise of Christianity.

I do however want to point out that I shouldn’t be affiliated with the disenfranchised because that may have some sort of weird side effects I can’t afford.

Beardual Harassment Part II

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Yesterda at my chiropractor’s I was laying on my back in the supine position when my chiropractor declaired that my goatee was long.  She then grabbed it and ripped it off.  OK, not really, she just grabbed it and further declaired my freakishness by saying that facial hair feels weird.

It is a good thing we’re friends with her during the off-hours or I’d have to run screaming from the office.

Sawdust

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I spread sawdust all over the floor this weekend.  I rubbed it into the carpet.  On purpose.  I paid money to do so.  Life is weird like that.  Apparently my carpet is cleaner due to the sawdust.  I keep spotting bits of it that my vacuum failed to suck up.  Argh.