- Calamari
- The Clapper
- Paper Chinese Take-out boxes
- The phrase “angels on the head of a needle”
- The Book of Norman
- Sensationalistic Media
- The Home Shopping Network
- Bright Spandex workout clothes from the 80’s
- Urinary Tract infections
- Robert Tilton
Category Archives: Humor
Overheard: A Funny Dance
I just dropped Abby off at school and overheard two staff:
“Is there an official dance to it?”
“No, I just saw it on the Internet last year. It’s just called the Hamster Dance.”
There is a Special Place in Hell for Virus Coderz
I just wanted to let you know that I’m not dead. This weekend, aside from celebrating with the family the resurrection of Jesus the Christ, I helped some friends with their computer. After about 10 hours of funk, trying this, trying that and generally hating malicious people who write viruses I was able to remove it from the machine and then set it up to be more secure, a wee faster, and hopefully useful for them in the months to come.
Hell has a special place for virus coderz and I’m pretty sure they only serve caffeine free diet soda there.
Stuck at Stink
I remember in high school there were always people I would overhear saying things like, “Kevin S. Is a good kisser,” or, “Brad is a bad kisser.” Do you recall such discussions? I was just thinking how absolutely lame those discussions were. Can you imagine actually thinking that those people were going to be stuck with the kissing prowess of a sixteen year old?
Do you think the people in the school hallways that said those things will go back to the spouses of the horrific or awesome kissers and engage in an analytical discussion of developmental make-out existentialism? Yeah, you’re right, they probably will.
Dude, There Are Geeks on the Internet
In case you didn’t notice, there’s a place called Wikipedia. They have an outrageously large amount of data and apparently a good chunk of it is relatively accurate. Take for example the entry on Pi. That would be a reference to the mathematical constant. If you wanted to, you could follow the links on that page to other references such as the Greek letter. There is far more information about Pi on that page than any encyclopedia editor would allow. That’s because an encyclopedia is about terse, rich data. Wikipedia is about excessive information because its storage, retrieval and modification is so cheap that limiting the data is probably more work than just tacking on more information as its available.
Lets put this in perspective: the cost of printing any book could run into the millions upon millions of dollars depending on all of the people involved. The cost of putting together a web page is non-zero, but its microscopic in comparison. If web publishing were more expensive there would be far fewer ‘get rich quick’ sites. Lets get back to Pi. Apparently people have memorized thousands of the decimal fractions of Pi. Most encyclopedia entries just don’t care about this data, but Wikipedia has further information and a line chart showing the rise in numbers memorized by an individual over time. I have 2: 3.14. That’s 200% more than I currently need due to the absence of circular math (so far) in my job. I have to figure out many other formulas and algorithms, but Pi is distinctly absent from my daily, weekly, monthly or yearly math needs.
In case your encyclopedia is feeling small, just remind it that Wikipedia also has entries on such interesting topics as international Pi day (a day to celebrate Pi). I think I would celebrate by eating pizza and pecan Pi. There appears to be some discrepancy about what other days might be celebrated along with Pi because of rounding. I’m not making that up. Geeks, trivialogists, dataheads, nerds, and specialists all pile in more data so that if Wikipedia is missing something important you can go to Google, Yahoo!, Microsoft Live, Ask.com or any number of other search engines to get even more information.
Sadly, there is a space on the internet called ‘the deep web’ [of course you should see the wikipedia article] which does not know the love of the search engines. It is a place that is undocumented, hidden, secret and fully of kitty porn [to my mother: that link goes to a humor site and is not naughty]. It is a place where people are trying to get to, apparently, because I have seen articles on how to find information on the deep web. Here’s some irony for your wrinkled brow: if its unsearched, unindexed, and unknown you’re going to have a hard time using traditional methods to get to it. Never fear! There is the power of human search. Mahalo, Twitter, Digg and the like all use humans to traverse the Interwebs and post links. You may wonder why I mention Twitter, but the answer is simple: if you go to twitter, create an account, and then get enough followers that people all over the world at any moment could be reading your tweets: people all over the world will read your tweets and possibly reply. Its human powdered search. That which was untraceable is now so easy to find that even disreputable presidents who are mocked for not speaking in complete sentences could hammer out a 140 character or less question and get links back from the 14 people who follow them.
So, in short, which this isn’t, the Internets have lots of great content. There’s the Internet, Web 2.0, and the latest news I have is that CSS3 is coming, and then we’ll probably start seeing early betas of Web 3.0 in 2009. If web 3.0 gets too slowed down there is a good chance that the economic stimulation checks, bailouts, and IPO’s will help move things along. And worst case scenario we’ll all be able to eat our free Pi from Wikipedia. Of course you’d wipe your mouth with your pi tie.
12 Steps for Food TV Addicts
- Admit you are powerless over your Food TV addiction
- Believe that a power greater than Alton, Emeril, Paula and Rachel exists, and can restore your sanity
- Make the dish, I mean decision, to turn all authority over to God
- Make a fearless search of your pantry shelf self, morally
- Admitted to God and others, but not including Tyler Ramsey, the exact nature of yourself
- Be ready for God to remove the defects of your chiffon character
- Humbly ask God to remove your shortcakes shortcomings, and maybe break your TV remote on the Discovery channel. Mythbusters is safer than Good Eats.
- Make a grocery list of all the people we harmed, maybe bake them an apology cake
- Apologize to them, include gift cake, also bring celebratory home made ice cream, unless they’re diabetic
- Continue to make ingredient inventory, and when you are wrong or unsure, buy extra
- Pray for God’s will in your kitchen and television, and all other areas of your life
- We try to carry this message across the internet to other addicts by digging it, stumbling it, or otherwise twittering it
The July Fireworks Series of Aurora
The idiots specially gifted people in my neighborhood have been lighting off fireworks around my house for the last week just to make sure that their ears still work and that the fireworks continue to make loud popping sounds. Their sober under-aged children might have some serious, lifelong emotional trauma if their intoxicated parents didn’t light off loud and visually stimulating fireworks from their homes on July Fourth – so they do it starting in June. Last night for example I was doing an exercise that I like to call ‘sleeping’ and a neighbor was shooting off some sort of popping whirring thing (I grew up in Nevada where they kill people who have fireworks before the fireworks kill them, so I don’t really know which type of firework it was). If it was before 10, I might have thought I was grumpy, but it was post midnight, so I figured that there was some special problem with their ears or fireworks because they were still testing them.
I’m considering buying some fireworks and lighting them off myself next year because there seems to be this sense of amazement and awe that can only happen if you do it at your house. I have never wanted to do this. Fireworks amaze the girls, and I love it that they’re impressed, but I draw the line at exploding them at my house because I like my house. I want my house to keep not burning up, and continue not needing to be repaired due to fire damage. I’m a selfish guy like that. In a dry climate like Colorado, you could light a fire just by wearing corduroy paints that rub together a while and then sit down on some dry wood, so inviting danger to my house to come and blow up is not my first choice. OK, I’m done considering this option.
However, my first choice is to let other people, with fire fighters nearby, light off the fireworks. Each year many cities across the country do this in a celebration called, “lighting your tax dollars on fire and sending them off to blow up,” and we live in one of those cities. We’ve managed to never see the show they do because of rain or any number of other silly reasons, but this year, we just might go… that is if our neighbors don’t manage to blow us up first.
White Bored Quote of the Weak
My buddy Trint does a “White Board Quip of the Week“, I don’t have a white board up in my office, but if I did, it would be this gem from Merlin Mann:
It’s stunning how hypocritical everyone but me is.
At the end of the above video is a grape letting off a gaseous flame. I showed the above video to an 11 year old boy and he announced, “Oh! They made it better!” In boy terms there is nothing better than first making flames from a grape in a microwave – except to be able to make the flames float up in succession. That’s just magical.
So You Think You Can Cackle
Jessica has been watching a show called, “So You Think You Can Dance.” There is a ‘judge’ who cackles and screams. She is the very reason why America will not watch this show. You can witness the nastiness here: