Category Archives: Humor

You Might Be a Postmodernist if…

Well, I got a strange complement yesterday on the phone talking to my friend Krystal. She had said that one of the elders’ wives had told her she really needed to listen to a recording of the first apologetics class that I’ve been co-teaching with my dad. I said, “Wow, that wasn’t even one of my better prepared classes.” She clarified that the reason she had been told to listen to it was this: that it was hilarious. Apparently instead of preparing people for the contents of the class I was comic relief. Such is life, I suppose it could be worse and people could be warning, “Stay away from that class – Randy’s boring and has no clue whatsoever about anything that comes out of his mouth.”

I’m actually excited about teaching this class because its full of things that I haven’t thought about in a while and I’m re-learning and learning new things about my faith in God and in my understanding of the way the human mind works. Maybe in the future there’ll be some good recordings available as MP3’s on the church website.

Straight Man

No, that’s not a reference to my sexual orientation, nor is it my new role in a sit-com. Instead it is the fact that today at lunch I played Yahtzee with Jessica and Linda (my mother-in-law) and I rolled 5 large straights and 2 small straights throughout the game. That is a guaranteed recipe for losing. It was so frustrating that I started to scream at the dice and jump up and down, chanting before throwing yet another straight of some sort. If you need a Yahtzee, starting out with 1,2,3,4,5 is not a great plan.

Anyway, it was kinda funny, but really annoying 🙂

Her Appendage Doth Append

This morning Jessica said, “Randy, feel this.” Which, as I learned in junior high, can be a bad thing. You see, then I was asked to place my hand into a bag, feel something I couldn’t see, and then attempt to tell the person what it was. I was always afraid someone had somehow gotten a wild wolverine to hold still long enough for me to cram my hand into the bag… fortunately that was not a problem this morning. Instead I felt one of Evie’s appendages protruding from Jessica’s belly in a very intense way.

Wow, this baby has got to come out soon.

Happy Anniversary, My Bride!

Today is 7 years for Jessica and I. I was so amazingly anxious, its not even funny. Actually, it’s hilarious to look back on. I was so nervous that I could not iron a shirt I needed to wear after the reception. I drove the shirt over to my parents’ house where my Grandma Martin was at. She ironed it for me. And it was then that she gave me the best sex advice I had gotten at that time: Be a gentleman. She said, “Your grandpa was such a gentleman the night of our honeymoon.” Which sounded like it was going to lead to a conversation that had too much information. However, that’s all she said (and Randy rejoiced for fear of hearing about grandparent sex).

Jessica and I have been through all sorts of crazy stuff since this day seven years ago, but I’ve loved it all because we’ve grown close, together.

News That Doesn’t Matter

One thing that is tough in these, the ‘information age’, days, is filtering out the cruft from the fluff from the actually valuable information. News that makes America or Australia or China or citizens think or react due to its true value. However, news like George W. Bush’s approval rating based on a poll of a small ‘cross-section’ of America is about as useful as a steel toilette seat in an igloo. George is working, vacationing and presidenting through his second and last term. The American people have an opinion about how he’s doing that list of things. So what? Its his second term. If 98% of America didn’t approve of what he was doing, but he was not breaking the law then when his presidency is over – move onto another candidate that we can all love to hate. Saturday Night Live is not going to be changing their mix of jokes any time soon from 60% sexual humor, 35% political humor and 98% stereotypical humor. That means that unless the guy who comes into office next is either
1) Jesus and doesn’t do anything wrong
2) Sleeping with Tina Fey (head writer for Saturday Night Live)
3) Sleeping with Lorn Michaels
4) Actually Dead
They’re going to keep mocking the president. The people will continue to not have a super-duper approval rating for various reasons like not having a chicken in every pot, naving/not having pot in every household, or PETA still in existence. The president’s current approval rating is about as useful for the average news watcher, reader or listener as the Pony Express for Al Gore, who clearly invented the internets for faster communication.

Three Weeks Cheeze-it Free

I have officially been Cheez-it free for at least three weeks. I’m hoping to stay clean for a long time – its a good thing for me to reduce my carb and cheese intake, that is until the next time Jessica makes cheesecake. But who knows? I could be healthy in my eating habits for weeks and months until the holidays hit 🙂

‘Tis the Season

One thing I find highly interesting about the web is that as the season’s change so do the searches. Sure, I get the usual search for pr0n and various other things like man breasts and what not. However, before Halloween comes I start getting search referrers for people looking for various costume ideas.

So, not to disappoint people looking for ideas, here are my top then list of things I’d like people to dress up as for Halloween:

  1. Window Blinds
  2. A cup of coffee. Not a paper cup, but a nice ceramic cup.
  3. A bass guitar
  4. A closet

Things you may not dress up as:
Napoleon Dynamite – this is the former stage name of Elvis Costello, and of course a movie character, its too easy, think harder.
Mr. T. – This guy will soon be selling geritol – lets move on.
Paris Hilton – going around naked might very well get you arrested.

Boot Faster!

You may have heard the story of Abraham and his promised son, Isaac, going to the computer store and buying all the parts to put together their own computer. When they got to the register Isaac noticed that they had not grabbed any memory chips. Disturbed by this he asked his father where they were. Abraham’s reply was, “God will provide the RAM.”

Enough really sad religious technology jokes.

I got 3 gigabytes of RAM for my desktop earlier this week. It now loads Windows XP with a 1.67 MHz AMD chip in about 15-20 seconds. Just about as fast as the Apple iBook laptop with 512MB of RAM 🙂 However, this thing whips through applications and allows me to record audio and videos in for clients like nothing else!

Pardon My Birds Nest

The other night on Iron Chef, the show where Americans dub over Japanese chefs cooking things that most Americans are afraid to eat, they made Birds Nest Soup. I thought it was just some strange name for a noodle type dish. Wrong! It was actually swallows nests in the soup. Color me WASP but that just wouldn’t go into my mouth.

Yes, I’m probably closing myself off from a world of tasty and delicious treats, but I just can’t imagine taking swallow saliva, broth and other basic ingredients and calling it soup. Skip the nest, I’ll take the rest.

Free/Busy

Ironically I’ve been working on a calendar project at work and my schedule is about to get funky. That is to say we’re heading to Indiana tomorrow night and I’ll be away from home until the 30th. This means that I won’t be working (as much – I’ll probably keep checking my work email to keep catastrophe at bay), I’ll be playing and that Indiana better watch out because there will be three and a half Petermans [Petermen?] coming to wreak havoc on what was once a peaceful civilization. Much like the conquistadores we bring horses [read: My Little Ponies], disease [read: an allergy to corn] and strange foreign tradition [read: I have a gas grill and my father-in-law uses charcoal]. However, we’ll have a good time and it is possible that if we have Chinese food my father-in-law and I will [lightly and humorously] argue over how to pronounce “General Tso’s Chicken” Apparently the Chinese built the railroad in the West but never made it to Indiana to integrate with the Indy culture there 😉