A Completely Bogus Interview

In an effort to connect with the underground film industry I have interviewed
Simon Jackson, an amateur director who, while not from New Zealand, says
he likes kiwis (with the skin peeled).
Simon says that he was really disappointed with the way Peter Jackson filmed
the Lord of the Rings trilogy and hopes to shoot his own version that
follows more closely to the books by the original author.
Jackson’s goal is to be able to use the Camcorder he got for Christmas last year
and the money that his grandma gives him each year for the holidays to buy
props, and special effects kits.
He’s hoping he can use his high school’s Macintosh computers for some CGI work.
Being 17 his means are limited, but he hopes to make up for that with raw talent
and the passion that young actors can deliver.

rp.com:

Simon, we understand that you’re upset that Peter Jackson and his writers
hacked the books up and used a great story as a backdrop for their own work,
is that what motivated you to start filming your own trilogy?

Simon:

Yeah, when I saw the first movie and saw that they cast Liv Tyler as an elf I
said to myself, “You can’t do that to the woman I love!
You cheapen her.”
Dude, it’s like this: you have to use names and faces that people don’t
recognize, otherwise people have a hard time seeing the movie for the movie.
Take Agent Smith [Ed.: from the Matrix] for example, if you remove his
glasses, and add some pointy ears, he’s still Agent Smith.
I want to make my movie fresh, and without the stigmata [sic] of Keanu Reeves.
And Sauruman totally used his moves from Star Wars Episode 2 in LOTR, which
cheapened both movies.

rp.com

So you have a thing for Liv Tyler?

Simon:

Um, yeah.
As if everyone doesn’t think she’s the hottest thing since Julia Roberts, she was
my first crush.
Liv is so talented, I think that after I release my version of the movie
she’ll hear about me and maybe I’ll have a chance with her.
You’ve got to have your goals.

rp.com:

So tell us what you plan to do for special effects and things like horses, and Orcs?

Simon:

Well, this kid I know at school uses flash to make really cool animations,
kinda like Homestar Runner.
I think that with enough time we can make pretty cool sequences and the anime
look that we can get with flash will really enhance the independent feel of
the film.
I know that WETA used Massive [Ed.: a computer program that creates
special effects characters], but I think that the keyframe technology of
flash lends itself to a more edgy feel.

rp.com:

So what things would you tell other, young, aspiring directors?

Simon:

I’d tell them to go out there, and start now, forget movie school, get a camera
and get out there, the ‘net is changing the way people can get movies, and
watch them.
When I’m done I’m thinking about getting my own domain and just distributing
that way.
Or maybe I’ll put it on Kazaa.
That way people thinking that they’re getting a ripped version of LOTR will
get mine and I’ll be able to get into the eye of the public.

rp.com:

Don’t you mean, “The Public eye?”

Simon:

Whatever.

rp.com:

One last question: When you showed us the clip of one of the battle scenes you
filmed the guys with Chewbacca masks running around yelling, “I’m an Orc,
I’ll get you!” [Ed.: should have been yelling, “I’m a dork!”]
really seemed odd and we thought, um, crumby.
Why did you use that?

Simon:

Dude!
Don’t make fun of me, I’m working really hard on this, and I haven’t gotten my Christmas money yet!
Oh, shoot, my mom just called me to go takeout the trash.
But you wait, when I’m done with this it’ll be way cool!

rp.com:

Thanks for the interview Simon, we’ll, uh, look forward to seeing your rendition
of LOTR, hopefully your parents have a good attorney for the legal issues
that you’ll have publishing a copyrighted work.