Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Shop ‘Til You Can’t Shop No More

Last night Jessica and I dropped Abby off at my parents and went to finish our Christmas shopping for everyone but Elvis who mysteriously stopped coming to family Christmas gatherings after Christmas of 1976. We got mostly done except couldn’t make our last stop at Target because it was getting late and Abby was probably either insanely whiney or super-duper-extra-lots-over-the-top hyper from my dad’s nearly super-natural ability to get kids wound up like no one else I’ve ever met. When we arrived at their apartment to pick the Abigator up, she was wound up. So we got her home, in bed and then promptly crashed into bed ourselved.

However, while out shopping we went to seven stores in two and a half hours. That is a personal record for shopping outside of a mall. In fact, mall shopping should not be counted for consecutive store shopping because it allows for convenience. So, with convenience in mind we planned out our path so that we could hit all of the stores in optimal order, and furthermore we had to improvise as certain items we were looking for (*cough* presents for people who read this blog) at certain stores (*cough* certain stores that carry very bizaare gifts that I can’t mention) were not available. However, I’m pretty sure my brother-in-law will enjoy his electric toenail clippers and his wife will like the Hickory Farms Sausage and Cheese (that’s a joke Becca, I wouldn’t do that to you).

And to top it all off I found myself in Khol’s or Kohl’s or Shlok or however it’s spelled rubbing elbows with people who were walking to close to me and making me feel really uncomfortable. In the end though we found a really nice set of sheets for Abby’s new bed (which hasn’t come to the apartment yet, but is on the radar) which when purchased with a coupon ended up costing only $8.00. What a great deal! Why she’ll be sleeping in comfort, class and cheapness. Which makes me wonder if Martha Stewart would have been able to smuggle sheets from her ‘exclusive line’ at ‘the mart’ into the prison. Or does she sleep in sheets that she hand-wove and sewed in an earlier episode of Martha Stewart Living?

Review: Revenge of the Sith

Well, I finally saw Star Wars: Episode III | Revenge of the Sith. Well, not actually. Actually I am just writing this review ahead of time to save time later for more important things. Sure, I’ll actually watch the movie some time, but I find the latest additions, the prequils, to be highly undertaining. I can’t believe that they make that much money with that little script quality. I know that they spend oodles of money on the computer generated graphics, I know they spend a lot of money on digital video camera’s, catering and sand removal services. However, the script is probably the cheapest part of the whole investment. I think they use some program that generates random quotes and they keep hitting the ‘refresh’ button until the line sounds like it’s related to the previous line.

I’m sure that others will hate me for this review, mostly because it’s so snooty, but frankly, the review is based on the simple fact that unless everything else changes, including George ‘Jorge’ Lucas not directing, Natalie Portman not playing a brick Queen Amadala, and Jar-Jar Binks not playing Michael Jackson.

Oh, and my review for the movie is: go see it. Mostly because I know you’re going to anyway.

The Seven Hundred Club

This is the seven hundredth post on this blog. Surely a milestone, and for a few, a millstone. For others this blog is more like plucking eye brows. And, as is evidenced by my referrer links, this blog is like a ‘Samurai Costume,’ ‘I was a teenager,’ and of course the dead obvious, ‘ballerina needs to go potty.’ In the end, what is this blog to you? Leave the answer in the comments.

City of Breakfasts

Last night I played City of Hero’s at Mike and Luanne’s after taking Jess and Abby up to a meeting point where Amanda, Jess’ cousin would take them up to Sherman a day ahead. What a super game, I know that’s a lame pun, but the game is really unique. I can see playing it for hours being easy to do. I created a super hero that looked like the silver surfer had a son with the incredible hulk but got costume accents from Liberace. He really whooped up on average street thugs, but seemed to have a real weakness when I walked away from the computer to go get water downstairs.

Vincent, a former student of mine, called around 11:45 and so I made plans to have breakfast with him at 6 AM the next morning (this morning). Yeah, that was dumb for several reasons, mostly because I got about 5:40 minutes of sleep. I woke up in a hot, sweaty puddle of toothpaste thinking, “What,” when my alarm clock went off. OK, not really. I just woke up saying, “what?” So I got ready and headed to our meeting place. Only he didn’t come. Instead I ordered breakfast and after ordering he called and said he slept past his alarm. So he came down and I got to spend about 30 minutes with him. Not enough time, but time it was.

So, I’m back at work on this day before Thankgiving thankful that I don’t like in any neighborhoods like City of Hero’s, glad I got to eat breakfast and am Thankful I get to see my wife and daughter again tonight.

What are you thankful for? Jokes?

Your Good Fortune

Today we went to Mongolian barbecue (which in itself sounds like a mixture of Texas and the Orient) for lunch. Jon Merkel got a fortune cookie and passed the fortune onto me. I think he knew I ‘needed’ it.

Drugs are bad,
hugs are good.

This is probably typical of fortune cookies, but frankly, why can’t they come up with more philosophical fortunes, or possibly more practical fortunes like

You forgot to make your bed this morning. We’re watching you – if you keep this up the next cookie is going to be so loaded with MSG that you’ll die.

It’s motivational, practical and keeps you feeling like the war on terrorism is still in dire need of being fought.

Or

Your two year old is getting ready to ‘make business’ right now, stop her before it’s too late and you’re embarrased in public.

That’s practical!

Crappy Convention

World Toilet Summit. Basically this story is about how ‘Westerners’ are fond of porcelain.
My favorite session:
“Toilets as Tourism Attraction,” by Seok-Nam Gang of the Korea Clean Toilet Association

Since I spend a fair amount of time on the toilette [reading!] I figure I should join some North American Toilettes Used for Reading Annonymously League, or NATURAL for short.

Slang Spelling Bee

OK, so if you’re reading someone else’s slang writing, can you judge the spelling as incorrect? I’d like to think so. Particularly, I’d like to set forth that the term ‘Homies’ (short for homeboys or boys from the neighborhood I am from) should in no way, or ever, be spelled ‘hommies.’ I think this violates all of the rules of ‘Hooked on Phoenix.’

OK, Class dismissed.

Shot in the Nostril of Love

Back in the day my good friend Sean and I wrote a bogus country song. I can’t remember all of the words, but here are some of them. I thought you might enjoy knowing how dangerous I was in junior high.

I’ve been shot in the nostril of love
In the middle when push comes to shove
we fit together like a right hand in a left glove
I’ve been shot in the nostril of love

There was a lot more than that, but I can only remember that one stanza. Sean and I had over-active imaginations and we created our own comedy tape (which may be somewhere buried in his parents’ house). Tonight Abby picked out his book at the library with great excitement (it was out on display). I miss Sean and am scolding myself for not having stayed closer in communications.

So, with nine days until Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for friends, including the super crazy ones that put up with the crap I threw their way and stuck it out with me.

Letter to the Weather Man

Dear Weather Man,
Where is the snow? I know that it was supposed to come, and sometimes the weather changes its plans, but I really wanted some good pictures of snow for the holiday trip to Texas. I’d appreciate your assistance. Below is my schedule, so if you could work the weather out along with what I’ve written that would be great:

Wednesday
I’m working Wednesday, but I could take some pictures on my lunch break. If you could dump a load of snow just in our area, I’d appreciate it.
Thursday
Thursday I’m working as well, however, since Friday we’re leaving on our trip it would be good if you could have this be a hot day so that the snow would melt and I’d be able to drive with little restriction on speed. The drive may be upwards of 14 or more hours, so I’m looking for any advantage possible. I would probably be able to take some pictures of the melting snow this day as well.
Friday
Friday morning we head out for Texas. Please have all or most of the snow melted so that I can drive the posted speed limit [in Colorado], 75 miles per hour, all the way until I reach Kansas. By that time I’ll be going at least 5 miles per hour over to make up for the stops at restrooms for my two year old.

If you could take these requests into consideration I’d really appreciate it.

Regards,

Randy Peterman