Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Boot Faster!

You may have heard the story of Abraham and his promised son, Isaac, going to the computer store and buying all the parts to put together their own computer. When they got to the register Isaac noticed that they had not grabbed any memory chips. Disturbed by this he asked his father where they were. Abraham’s reply was, “God will provide the RAM.”

Enough really sad religious technology jokes.

I got 3 gigabytes of RAM for my desktop earlier this week. It now loads Windows XP with a 1.67 MHz AMD chip in about 15-20 seconds. Just about as fast as the Apple iBook laptop with 512MB of RAM 🙂 However, this thing whips through applications and allows me to record audio and videos in for clients like nothing else!

Selective Marriage Principles

I know that various people will be shocked but there are people who will marry anyone. Take for example: Robert Downey Jr. who appears to have been mis-represented by People magazine:
Marries People
You see when you marry producer-people it means that you won’t just marry anyone, you’ll marry anyone who is a producer.

Way to go Bobby. Maybe you’ll get further selective in the future since it sounds by this headline marriage is a common occurance for you.

News: Government is Paying for Studies That Are Unneeded

In yet another dumb report a study shows fast food restaurants cluster near schools. I could have told you that simply by driving anywhere near a school in any town between Denver and Sacramento California (I’m choosing that direction to avoid driving through Kansas). There is not a lot of mystery behind this decision. I present the following [invalid] syllogism:
1) Cafeteria food is horrible
2) Teens have spending money [from selling drugs]
Therefore McDonalds wants in on part of the [drug] money action and builds restaurants near the schools.

I would always walk home for lunch, but I lived 2 blocks from the school. Plus I could then get away from the insanity of the cliques simply be having my friends come over and have fun with me.

All Your Words Are Belong To Us

We have magnetic words on our ‘fridge. At Abby’s party someone grabbed some of them and build ‘custom’ sentences. However, they’re not English, they’re rather Engrishy. Witness:
Butt Storms Need Essential Base
I don’t know who put that together but it has caused a smile to cross my face more than once 🙂

I Used the Phone Book Today

Don’t tell anyone. This has to stay between you and me. I used the phone book today. Google just wasn’t cutting it for finding a local waste removal service. The City of Aurora’s web site suggested (gasp!) that I use a phone book. So I went upstairs, grabbed one out of our pile of 7 phone books we’ve got and called Waste Management. Their courteous operator took my order, set me up with my schedule and BAM! [to quote a certain sterile chef] I’m going to have my garbage picked up by WM tomorrow instead of the other company. Also, I’ve got recycling now, which is handy since recycling is good for the environment or something.

But like I said, dont’ tell anyone I actually opened up the phone book. I’m going to put the other 6 phone books into the recycle box next week so that WM can collect them and then take them to the recycling elves who will make our worldly posessions new again simply by waving their magic wand at them and turning them into cookies.

I Love Cats… They’re Delicious

No, this post was not inspired by my sister-in-law’s blog about her trips to China. Instead it is about our neighbor’s cats who have been making our house, their home. I’m allergic to cats and so dont’ find myself drawn to them, even cute little kitty cats don’t hold an attraction for me. Abby’s birthday party this past weekend generated a lot of trash – which I dutifully bagged into large trash bags so as to facilitate my job of moving trash to the curb, and our trash men’s job of moving it from my curb into never-never land where all garbage goes.

This morning (20 minutes ago) I went out to move the trash to the curb but Alas! the cats had ripped into my garbage and had a hey day with it! So I spent some time picking up after the cats and getting most of the things that needed to be disposed of to the curb. Next time I hear one of those cats making sounds liek they’re in heat I’m going to find them and… let Abby pet them – she’s brutal on cats.

First Pet

Abby has now gotten her first pet. Given my personal track record with animals I have high hopes of spending many more trips with Abby to purchase $0.12 goldfish.
Abby and Showdy
This ‘black’ goldfish is named Shody (pronounced like Show-Dee). Abby kept wanting to call the fish Goldy but Jessica and I kept telling her that Goldy was a poor choice for a black fish. So she blurted out with great excitement: Shody.

The upside in all of this is that Jessica is pleased with the quietness of the aquarium. We don’t know where the aquarium will reside, but we do know that Shody has outlived some of the goldfish I owned already 🙂

Gender Defender

I have run into various parents that for whatever reason do not want to know what gender their baby is going to be. This is a really, really odd thing for me and something I don’t understand. Therefore, I’ve put a lot of thought into what may be the motivation for this decision. Unfortunately, since I’m a bit of a nut-job and because I have an over-active imagination I’ve come up with the following set of thoughts:

You are going to find out what gender your child is at some point in time, aren’t you? What is the problem with finding out 6 or 4 or 2 months early? If you’re not going to find out, why not hire a nurse, nanny and child care staff and then you could have the baby, ask the nurse to cover the baby up before you see the ‘lower’ part of the baby and then you’d still not know. Further, you could only see the child for non-diaper changing or bathroom related times. To help stave off any actual gender related concerns you could name the child Terry, Leslie, Kerry or Pat. Furthermore you could attempt to limit your child’s exposure to anything gender related as a whole and therefore call yourself and your parental partner parent unit one and parent unit two.

Then, of course, one day you will not that several things may happen:
Shaving, buying of feminine products, voice changes and of course the real gender identifyer hygeine products in general. It is my opinion that if it is a boy these products may not go up in demand until maybe 16 or 17 as most boys don’t figure out bathing until they realize girls care about that sort of thing. But I digress…

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not finding out until the baby is born – that’s something that each parent (set) needs to figure out – but we wanted to find out so we could start buying tampons early, I figure there’s gonna be a major price increase on those some day, just like oil, and we’ll have a major stockpile.

Grahamz-Its

OK, so we’re out of Cheez-Its. This is not insurmountable because I can easily shred some cheese onto graham crackers and throw them into our toaster oven. It doesn’t quite taste the same but sometimes you just have to make due. I find that cheesy cinnamon graham crackers are tasty, but not quite as good as other forms of biscuits with cheese. Abby finally had to get a knife out and hold me up for the last of the Goldfish crackers. It’s getting pretty bad… I think I need help.

If I could only find a way to just stop snorting the powder from the bottom of the Cheez-It bag I think I’d be OK. The worst problem with this is that it coagulates in my nasal passage and I find myself coughing up ‘cheezburgers’ every once in a while. I think I can stop if I could just switch over to rye-krisps or wasa bread. I hear that other cracker-heads have been able to get off of crackers all together and just form habits with safer substances like french bread, ice berg lettuce or sunflower seeds. Its mostly the habit of putting the crackers in my mouth and getting the crunch sensation so I’m pretty sure that if I find another source of crunch I’ll be off Scott Peterson Free. Wait, no, he’s not free. Dang, these glutenous goodies are going to do me in.

Cut the Cheese, Daddy

This morning after riding my bike Abby asked me to come downstairs with her and play kitchen. I agreed as I haven’t played kitchen with her in a very long time (yes, I’m a neglectful dad in the playing kitchen department, for some reason I feal ill equipped for this task). She carefully hand-selected a block of plastic cheese, a plastic red delicious apple and placed them in her clear-vision pot. She placed the pot on the burner which immediately erupted with the sound of boiling water. The water reached its peak boiling temperature and she grabbed the scalding foods out of the pot and placed them onto a plate for me. She then got a knife and fork out and demanded I cut… the cheese.