Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Tech Support

My uncle is a former programmer turned Pastor/Elder at a church in Norther California. I sent him a funny MP3 about doing tech support and he said it reminded him of a situation he was in.

Eric Peterman: One woman called me screaming that the state report wasn’t working. After a series of questions I determined that….
Eric Peterman: All semester long she hadn’t been entering any student records in!
Randy Peterman: Oh NO!
Eric Peterman: Another called to complain that “it wasn’t working.”
Me: Have you started the program?
her: Program…
Me: Yes, the Selpa Manager Program. Have you started it?
her: Started it…
Her: How do I start it?
Me: Uh, you double click on it?
Her: Double-Click on it…
Me: Yes, to start it you click it with the mouse.
Her: Um, mouse?
Me: Yes, on the desktop.
Her: The stapler is on the desktop and my cofee. There is no mouse!
Randy Peterman: This appears to only get worse!
Eric Peterman: Yes!
Eventually I got down to:
Me: Is the computer on?
Her: On?
Randy Peterman: Ha ha ha!
Eric Peterman: Needless to say, she got quickly promoted within the district and we got someone much more competent and at a lower pay.

You have to love real life, you just can’t make this stuff up.

Eye, Eye, Captain!

I am going to the eye doctor soon. This scares me because I think that my eyes are fine. I think that I can see well. But the truth is that I know they will tell me that my vision is not 20/20 or some number telling me that I can see through walls and burn down buildings with the lazers that shoot out of my eyes.

Will glasses make me look sexy like Clark Kent or will they make me look like an old codger? Of course I may not need glasses, but I’m sure not going to wear contacts – I would go blind poking my eyes before they went in easily.

A Fart in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bathroom

If you want to know what kind of lasting impression you have left on the mind of a youth, just wait until they buy you a Christmas present. Yesterday we had a belated Christmas celebration with our friends the Kaes’. Ironically Trystan got me ‘potty putty’ which is this goopy stuff that is in a plastic toilet that when manipluated with your fingers creates farting sounds. So while some people participated in constructing Trystan’s life and making it better I apparently contributed fart humor. Which is fine by me, it could have been a worse contribution, I’m sure 🙂

Thanks Trystan and for sharing your life with us!

Auto-Focus

So today a man at the zoo kindly offered to take a picture of Jessica, Abby and I. Evie was asleep in the stroller so we let her keep sleeping.

My stinking digital camera has a ‘powerful’ auto-focus feature. You’ll notice how powerful it is below.

Auto Focus Snafu

At least the elephant was doing something fun.

Pardon My Hurlage

I just got a letter from ‘St. Matthew’s Churches.’ That would be a letter requesting I pray on their ‘prayer cloth’ then have someone else pray on the ‘prayer cloth’ and then send the ‘prayer cloth’ back in an envelope (hopefully with some money) with some checkboxes checked for what we need prayer for. I put quotes around ‘prayer cloth’ because its a cheaply printed picture of a very white Jesus with his eyes closed. And, if I have enough faith Jesus will open his eyes and look at me.

Yuck! This scam is rather annoying, here’s an article talking about the organization. Seed faith my rear-end. No amount of money that I might pour into some random ‘churches’ is going to bring money to me. What a blind bunch of morons that are sending in $26,000.00 or more a month to this group of schemers. Check out some of the schlockery in the ‘letter’ they send:

  1. “Read what God is doing here at St. Matthew’s churches.” And by ‘here’ they mean at their attorney’s office where the checks go. Not at their California mansions where the grand schemer lives.
  2. “Dear… Someone connected with this Address,” I swear I’m not making that up. It says someone connected to this address. They don’t even have their software putting names on these things.
  3. “Now, we must talk to you about something we see, in the Holy Spirit, concerning you and your family’s needs.” Oh, boy! They’ve got special revlation – what is it? “God’s holy blessing power is in the enclosed anointed prayer rug we are loaning you to use!!!” Yippee!!! Now they’re loaning out God’s blessing to “Someone connected with this address” so that we can have ”
    “holy blessing power” in our lives. Gee, surely this isn’t a scam.
  4. “You … are about to be blessed through this unusual, Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug…” Unusual all right! It is ugly, printed on paper, and can be recycled. I’m hoping that God will bless me for being environmentally sound with my recycling of this prayer rug.

I could keep going but I’m going to stop. I have to draw the line somewhere, and there’s already enough heresy in this one blog post to cause God to smite my site with a database failure [yes, that too is an attempt at humor].

The upside with all of this is that I know I’ve been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenlies (Ephesians 1:3), I’ve been given discernment against those who would use religion for personal gain (see contentment: 1 Timothy 6:6-8), and I have a good sense of humor that makes this entertaining. Poor folks who fall for this junk.

I’m praying for my superhero costume to go with my unicycle.

A Perfect One-Liner

My friend Robin set up and delivered a perfect one-liner via Instant Messaging. Here it is:

Robin: So, Time Magazine has some Brain Calisthenics and articles about staying focused, etc..
Robin: I skimmed the article, did the first exercise, then got bored.

Abby’s First Gum Experience

This morning I gave Abby a small piece of spicy cinnamon chewing gum because I could tell that she wanted to have some gum. She has delt with spiciness well so far, so I wasn’t afraid of burning her mouth out or causing her life-long emotional harm for one small piece of gum. She agreed with me that she would not swallow the gum and with delight in her eyes she took the piece of gum from my hand and delicately placed it into her mouth and started chewing. About 45 seconds later it was in the trash for being too intense, but she didn’t swallow it, which is better than I can say for my vague recollection of my first gum experience. She did well for not enjoying the intense flavor.

When I was a little boy I think we tried to promote the most outlandish lies about gum and how long it sits in your stomach and how it will kill you because it turns into a fire breathing porcupine that is guaranteed to erupt out of your stomach one night while you’re asleep. Needless to say I was rather worried to learn what my fate would be after swallowing my gum. I’m still here, so you know that I survived the fire breathing porcupine. Whew!

New Years Resolphbphbphbt

So we had a goal of losing some weight and keeping it off this century. Unfortunately we’re off to a bad start having been sick all week long. This thing has been tenacious like nothing else. However, I’m glad for our relative well being as one of my friends in Texas had to have emergency appendicitis surgery last night. Hopefully he’s well – I haven’t heard one way or the other yet.

Other goals for the year were to become trillionaires by the 8th, which is tomorrow. We’re 1.0 × 10-12 of the way there 🙂 I don’t think we’ll make it, but it was low on the list. Along with a disgusting amount of wealth we wanted to try to become invincible – we’ll have to wait and see how this one goes – I’ll let you know if we’ve not achieved this goal. I’d also like to spell correctly all the time, have perfect grammar and not have to be reminded all the time about how much my math skills have weekened since graduating from second grade and dropping out of elementary school.

What has weirded me out this last week is that Jessica continues to discuss Abby’s education. As if Abby actually will be educated. I’d prefer her to stay little and be my baby girl from here-on foreward. Evie, also, is not allowed to get older. Well, not really, there would be some benefit to them growing up, but I love my little girls. I think we’ll just keep having to have babies as time goes on, though Jessica wholeheartedly agrees with the contrary idea: no more kiddos.

My resolution for this year will be this: to blog with more pictures of my girls. My Nikon 5700 has just about driven me crazy. I’m ready to send it to Nikon and say, “Take this camera, and shove it.” It has just been a frustrating experience more times than not. Such is life. At least we have our cheap 3 megapixel camera that takes decent snapshots, which is what we need to document the craziness of our little girls.

OK, I better get off the blog, Jess is off the phone. See you later.

Being Rich Does Not Mean You Can Run

In what has to be one of the most awkward moments in video gaming history last night at the Consumer Electronics Show(CES) in Las Vegas Bill Gates played a video game with Steve Balmer on the X-box 360. When the boxing announcer (who was actually going to call the video game’s fight) called out Bill Gates bill ran out onto the stage in what can be described as a mobile seizure. It was Bill Gates, the richest man on the planet (as far as monetary value is concerned), running like he had never run in his life and this was his first stab at it. He came out flailing his arms while his legs wiggled in a motion that must be described as a run since it was faster than his walk.

Steve Balmer came out screaming to get the crowd hype and then Bill Gates beat up Balmer on the screen while the announcer pretended to announce the game while instead he read some propaganda that was on the screan/teleprompter. In short it made me glad to not own an X-Box 360 and not want to buy one lest I start to look like Bill Gates or Steve Balmer.

Being rich does, however, mean that Bill Gates could pay off the International Olympics Committee to get them to change the rules for olympic running so that all athletes need to run like him, so that the next Summer Olympics have a recorded moment where two announcers actually say:
Announcer 1: “We’re seeing a lot slower running this year in the olympics.”
Annaouncer 2: “Yes, ever since the Gates rule was put in place things have really slowed down.”

Dang. That’s just wrong.