Category Archives: Confessions

Things about me you probably never wanted or don’t need to know.

Thanks for the Fish

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When I used to work at the Christian book store in college I was a new hire and the owner was showing another new hire how he expected a display rack cleaned. He called it the “auto center.” I laughed because I thought it was a clever name. It was a name that sounded more grand than the plastic display actually was.

I got called into the owner’s office and was scolded for making fun of the name by laughing. I would like to take this time to point out that you’re welcome to laugh at all my posts – whether they’re intended to be funny or not – and I will not call you into my disorganized office (which I will be cleaning this week). I will, however, show you my guitar center.

Melborp A Evah I

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I have a problem: every time I run into a foreign name that is spelled out that is unfamiliar to me I read it backwards just to make sure someone isn’t playing a joke on me.  I’ve read too many books, watched too many movies or something that causes me to do this.  So far I have found zero actual cases of foreign names that are funny backwards… but I’m watching… waiting… I will not be fooled!

I Suppose I Should Take This Advice

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Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.

C. S. Lewis

I enjoy exaggeration.  There is something that feels compelling, exciting and at the very least mischievous about pushing things to a limit.  So when I read this quote I wanted to stop and meditate on it because I have had moments where this principle came home to roost.  In arguments.  In attempting to let my children know that they were not to do something again (or I’ll rip your lips off and paste them to your forehead).  In despising a food or circumstance.  The truth of the matter is that I will probably exaggerate until I reach death or an old age or becoming mute.  Even then this blog may live on for a time as a monument to my folly.  So  I shall be very grateful to Mr. Lewis for sharing this bit of wisdom, but I shall be infinitely grateful to him for other principles such as the principle of the safety of Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia:

“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

Think about that for a few moments.

An Old Poem: A Work in Progress

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This is an old poem I wrote a long time ago, just sharing it because its relevance in my life seems somewhat familiar given that I wrote this well before I ever got into computer (I was going to be a professional musician at this point in time):

We’ve paved the streets of heaven
in circuit boards and glass
and the joy it brings in this lifetime
never seems to last

And minute steaks and rice and prayers
hold us over for a while
the trade of love for business
is a signature of style

Work so hard for 2,000 feet
two cars in a garage
60 hours a meager week
in this life’s intense barrage

Where are we going?
are our hearts broken?
I guess it’s a work in progress
I guess it’s a work in progress [ed.: See the double entendre there?  I was so clever]

We paint the face of Jesus
in a lovely modern mark
He loved to walk and teach us
He loved to love from His heart

[ed.: and apparently that’s all I wrote]

I think this was supposed to be a song, but I don’t find any trace of chords, nor do I recall any 🙂

Discover: Making Notes of Things

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I just got what is the fourth call from the Discover card company (a company we’re working hard to sever ties with as soon as we can).  The first call they asked Jessica if she wanted to take advantage of an offer.  She declined after they smoothly talked her into what was a courtesy call that transitioned into an additional feature with monthly fees.  She was a little ticked.  Then they called back and said she hadn’t finished answering the questions from the previous call.  She was even more ticked.  They called earlier today but we didn’t answer because she was still not thrilled by their diligence.  They called just now and I answered (Jessica was not home). I tried to tell the guy on the phone she had declined and he said, “I’ll make note of that.”  I asked him to wait (it sounded like he was hanging up) and then he said, “What did I just say, sir?”  I said, “I’m not sure, tell me again.”

“I said I’ll make note of that.”

Me: “Make note of what?”

Discover Rep: “That she declined the offer.”

Me: “OK, thank you.”

The reason I asked him to clarify was this: “Making note” doesn’t necessarily mean “I have filled out the form she declined and we won’t bother you any more for at least 6 months.”  It could mean, “This woman’s husband is a crackhead, do not talk to him.”

Hercules: A Miniature Poodle Story

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I won’t explain entirely why we got a poodle pup, but I will tell you this: he’s going to be called ‘girl’, ‘her’ and ‘she’ for most of his life by strangers because little, white, fluffy dogs lend themselves to it.  Not my fault.  But tonight we had a funny moment at the pet store.  We had to go get a name tag so as to make sure when he escapes (and some time he will) he has a chance of being found, identified, and we can get a phone call (ideally).  Evie was with Jessica and I and she handed the checker our bright red heart shaped name tag.  The checker asked, “Did you get a new puppy?”

Evie joyfully replied, “Yes! His name is Hercules.”

The checker then enquired, “Hercules?  Is he a big dog?”

Jessica and I both laughed out loud and she explained to the checker that Hercules was a miniature poodle.  I predict this will be the first of many times that assumption comes about.  There is no better ‘worst possible’ name for this dog.  Except maybe “white armpit beast” which was one of my more creative suggestions.  The family declined that name in favor of something else.

Pancakes: Tell Me There’s More

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I don’t passionately love pancakes.  I love one egg pancakes (which my sister-in-law introduced to our family – Thanks, Shari!).  But regular pancakes don’t excite me like waffles do.  So here’s my request: please share with me your favorite recipe or at least favorite place to get pancakes?

There is one stipulation: 1) No corn. 2) There is no number two.

Too Much Information: News for 2010-4-14

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In an effort to stay on top of news, I present to you: Too Much Information!  A snarky look at how our news is not useful.

4 shot dead in Chicago home – because the fact they were shot is not enough, we need to know it was inside. A home. In Chicago.  I wonder if they were shot alive in the woods in Benton, IL instead of Chicago if it would have been picked up [ED: I’m not trying to be callous about murder, I’m just weirded out by the odd specifics of the headline].

Russia pledges $50 mln to replenish Kyrgyz coffers – That’s health care generosity.  I had no idea that the civil unrest in Kyrgyz was due to coffing.  I thought that they were ticked at their president, but it turns out that they had a respiratory disorder.  I feel better now knowing that Russia is on top of the coffee people of Kyrgyz.

Palin urges less government, lower taxes at Boston Common Tea Party rally – If I was charging as much as she is for ‘appearances’ and ‘speaking’ I would want to have lower taxes so as to keep more of that money.  Also: does she like her tea strong like the British?  Would that be ironic?  British.  Tea.  Taxes.  It feels historical somehow.

Google Adds Real-Time Twitter Archive Search – when I tweet I consider it 140 characters or less of throw-away rubbish.  Now you can search for my rubbish and the rubbish of millions in real time.  That’s like being on the receiving end of a garbage disposal.  Yummy!