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Too Much Information: News for 2010-4-14

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In an effort to stay on top of news, I present to you: Too Much Information!  A snarky look at how our news is not useful.

4 shot dead in Chicago home – because the fact they were shot is not enough, we need to know it was inside. A home. In Chicago.  I wonder if they were shot alive in the woods in Benton, IL instead of Chicago if it would have been picked up [ED: I’m not trying to be callous about murder, I’m just weirded out by the odd specifics of the headline].

Russia pledges $50 mln to replenish Kyrgyz coffers – That’s health care generosity.  I had no idea that the civil unrest in Kyrgyz was due to coffing.  I thought that they were ticked at their president, but it turns out that they had a respiratory disorder.  I feel better now knowing that Russia is on top of the coffee people of Kyrgyz.

Palin urges less government, lower taxes at Boston Common Tea Party rally – If I was charging as much as she is for ‘appearances’ and ‘speaking’ I would want to have lower taxes so as to keep more of that money.  Also: does she like her tea strong like the British?  Would that be ironic?  British.  Tea.  Taxes.  It feels historical somehow.

Google Adds Real-Time Twitter Archive Search – when I tweet I consider it 140 characters or less of throw-away rubbish.  Now you can search for my rubbish and the rubbish of millions in real time.  That’s like being on the receiving end of a garbage disposal.  Yummy!

The Toothbrushing Story

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So, if you happen to notice that I happen to get chided by several relatives in California about oral health care (particularly tooth brushing) then you’re undoubtedly curious as to why this it.  Actually, you probably could give a rip.  I’m going to explain it anyway.  Nobody is holding you in front of the screen showing you this, so you can stop reading now if graphic description of tooth decay, tooth brushing, or OCD behaviors upset you.

Who: Me

When: 1991-ish

Where: Philo, CA

What: Tooth brushing insanity

Why: There’s this story.

About the time I estimated above I was in California for a long summer stay at my grandparent’s and aunt and uncle’s place.  There was this odd feeling on one of my teeth that I was sure was the cavity of all cavities.  It sat there on the top of one of my molars calling out to me that I was a moron and didn’t brush enough.  My tongue would brush it over and over again in a nervous tick that wanted to see if it had gone away over night while sleep fixed my tooth.  Why does sleep fix teeth?  It doesn’t, but I was hopeful.

There was a long, thin crack running across the top of the molar that might as well have been the grand canyon in miniature.  My parents were going to be ticked because of the $5,000 in dental work this crack was going to cost them.  So to help prevent other multi-billion dollar molar repairs I began brushing.  Regularly.  For 5 minutes or so.  Several times a day.  Between meals.  Between my teeth.  Flossing irregularly compared to brushing but obsessing on the massive gap, wider than David Letterman’s front tooth gap, in my rear right molar.  I was prepared for some motorcycling stuntman to want to jump the massive span.  Must brush.

And so for weeks I brushed my teeth with a religious zealotry that could only be matched by fervent televangelists who just needed a few more million dollars to complete that mansion that “god wanted them to have.”  I was pretty sure God wanted me to have my teeth.  So I brushed them more.  All while being in California with my relatives.

A while later I went to the dentist with GREAT fear.  Worried that the cavity was going to be much worse than my estimated $5,000.00.  The hygienist looked at my teeth, cleaned them, made me swish fluoride around in my mouth – and then went to get the dentist.  I had an empty stomach, but had I not I think that my Jr. High bowels would have evacuated with fear of the impending doom.  Bring on the judge and jury to sentence my mouth to needles, Novocain, and numbness.

Alas, I had a plastic composite that had been used as a temporary stop-gap because I had a low spot in my molar.  By a dentist some time before.  It had warn out and was just ready to be replaced.  I had no cavity.  Zero dollars in repairs.

I didn’t brush my teeth for a week.

Just kidding, I brush my teeth daily whether they need it or not.