Category Archives: Confessions

Things about me you probably never wanted or don’t need to know.

Yoga. No!!!

So… Nick posted about yoga on his blog this morning. And I left him a comment of encouragement, but also, I had to blog about this so that he might laugh, and that I might not effect his SEO with references to flatulance or any of the other lovely parts of my yoga experience.

You see, my wife is a yoga queen. She’s capable of all sorts of contortions, flexes, twists and positions that are apparently inidicative of being a flexible human being. She married me. I basically have three positions which I can assume: sitting, standing and laying down. There are brief times that I am not doing one of these, but they are merely when I am in between the transition from one to the other. She and I got a video of Yoga exercises to be done at home in the privacy of our living room. This was back in Texas. This was before Abby, I believe. So it has been some time. Jessica has been trying to get me to do yoga again since then.

We would change our clothes into the attire of people who were going to work out and then start the video. The problem is that, as many of you know, yoga is partially flexibility. I am about as flexible as a wet noodle. Well, a noodle formerly known as wet. So a once-wet-but-now-dry noodle. So I would sit on the floor, start the positions, nearly give up due to not being able to reach my toes with my legs not bent, be repremanded by Jessica and then make it about 1/3 of the way through the 30 minute video. For those of you keeping track, that’s 10 minutes. Ten minutes of flexing my body in ways it is not used to being stretched.

One of the claimed benefits of yoga is that it helps your body detoxify. Well, my body apparently stores up toxins in a gas form. About 10 minutes into the video I would start ‘passing wind.’ And then with each change of position I would continue to do so. This is one of the single most powerful non-yoga arguments I can come up with for men. It is very difficult to streth into a position that requires muscular control and balance while also trying to have control over other muscles that may prevent the room from being uninhabitable. So, once things would start ‘detoxing’ we would be either laughing or crying but the yoga would be heavily interupted.

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets gassy due to yoga? It may be possible, but I’m hoping that I’m not alone, unless I’m doing yoga, and then I should be left alone.

Idiots with Idioms

Have you ever found yourself in a sticky situation where a word or phrase has two meanings and after you say something you think, “Drat! I’ve now insinuated something that I was not trying to insinuate.”? Last night I really screwed up and used the term ‘nailed’, which can mean to hit something dead on or accurately connect with something or someone, in a context that could alternatively implied another definition: to have intercourse with. Nothing like slipping up at Bible Study when you’re trying to convey something good and instead deliver an innuendo. Doh!

Horrible Examples of Hypocrisy

So this evening I was watching Scary Movie on NBC and a commercial comes on with Megan Mullally. In the commercial, which is supposed to be a public dis-service announcement, she tells people that its what is on the inside that counts. If you’re not feeling good about yourself on the outside then you need to find who you are on the inside.

Doh! This woman is on a TV show about physical attraction between straight and homosexual people, she’s been touted as one of the more voluptuous women over 40 or some other such label. She has apparently lost some weight to feel more attractive… and yet she needs to tell people that even though they can’t be like her, they should be happy with who they are inside. Lame.

I find public service announcements to be absolutely insulting. Other fine examples of these things are people saying that our public schools are going down the tube due to President Bush’s signing into place the ‘No Child Left Behind’ act and then having someone on the television tell me that I should stay in school to have a fulfilling and meaninful life. We have shows that require actors and actresses to do crazy (and theoretically funny) things because they’re drunk and then those same actors and actresses do public swervice denouncements saying, “Drinking doesn’t make you cool.”

Continuing on with Molly, I think that television has clearly enunciated the fact that sex sells. I have to laugh at the idea that every other commercial seems to have at least one element that involves sexuality and then they put one on that’s suppose to counter that. I think Molly should have been wearing sack cloth and ashes instead of a slender, form fitting outfit to tell people that looks don’t matter. Looks don’t matter on television like being dumb (without speech) works on radio. I think this is going to really impact America’s culture – we’re all going to feel better about ourselves because a television star told us to.

On the upside I feel better about myself because I’m not telling everyone else to feel better about themselves. In fact, I don’t feel good about myself sometimes, and that’s good, it shows that I recognize areas of my life that need improvement. By being content with parts of me that are goofy (and trust me, there are plenty of those) they’ll stay that way. I don’t sit and dread them, but I also am not going to just say, “It doesn’t matter, I’m perfect just the way I am.”

Oh, and by the way, you should feel good about yourself because you’re created in God’s image. Or, maybe you should feel better about yourself because you weren’t watching Scary Movie on NBC 😉

Jessica’s Labor and Delivery of Evie: Edited

Howdy, I think I got enough sleep last night to write about Jessica’s labor and delivery of Evie. I’ll edit it so as to keep it generally G-Rated, but I also wanted to share about this fantastic experience.

Monday morning Jessica woke me up with, “Are you ready to be a daddy, again?” Which of course was like being shot up with 1,000 CCs of adrenaline. It was like waking up with something much better than Folgers in my cup. It was like when she woke me up to tell me that Abby was going to be joining us in the world: exciting and scary all at the same time. Exciting because I love the concept of fatherhood and scary because being a parent is a huge responsibility with the chance to fail costing lives or changing the course of them so radically that I’d rather have had the doctor screw up on my circumcision to have prevented my screwing up my children (I know, too much information – but I’ll quote the Bible to validate it: Galatians 5:12. Are you laughing yet?). Either wayEvie was coming and there was no backing out now. Heck, there was no backing out since some time in February when we figured out that we had a little one coming.

We woke up and began the psychological preparation for labor and delivery knowing that contractions with Abby rapidly progressed to 5 minutes apart within approximately 3 hours. I sent off emails to appropriate work related contacts, sent a few instant messages because I could to ask people to pray and send further emails to other people. Once Linda (my mother-in-law) woke up we told her and the exceptional excitement spread. I blogged here that contractions had started. The world was spinning just a little faster and I was preparing to be a dad by the afternoon. Doh! Silly assumptions.

Jessica and I went out for a brisk walk to help speed up contractions since they were still light and not close enough together. We walked for about an hour and it was a nice walk because it was just the two of us talking – something that will be much more rare now :). Contractions started to be more intense but their frequency was still rather unreliable. So we walked home, got ready for the day as best as we could and the four of us went out shopping. This is a big mistake for those of you who have a future involving waiting for labor pains to increase. Don’t go spending more money while waiting to have the baby, you don’t know how long things will take – we shopped for around 6 hours and I still haven’t tallied up the receipts from all of the small purchases.

We dropped Abby off around noon at my parents place and the three of us (Linda being the third, unless you count me as the third, in which case Jessica and Linda were the other two. Jessica at no time should be counted as the third person) went out for lunch and then walked around the new Whole Foods market. On the way out of Whole Foods we were walking to the car and Jessica had a contraction. I chided her and said, “What? You can’t walk during your contractions? What’s up with that?” To which she replied, “Why don’t I squeeze your testicals and then we’ll see if you can walk.” That is a priceless moment. One I will always cherish.

We ended up shopping at Timbuk Toys and then Linens ‘n’ Things. Right before we entered Timbuk Toys Jessica called her midwife and asked if 8 minutes would be close enough apart to come in since it was 4:20 or so and it was getting later in the day. The midwife said, “Wait until they’re 5 minutes apart.” Apparently that was the magic thing to say because pretty much as soon as she hung up the phone contractions started coming at about 5 minutes apart. We had a few that were 8 minutes apart, some that were 4 minutes apart, but things averaged at 5 minutes apart for about an hour and 20 minutes before we headed to the hospital. In fact we had managed to go to a walking trail and get about 1/8th of a mile down it when Jessica started having contractions four minutes apart. Getting back to the car took a while due to the regular contractions.

We called the midwife’s call service on the way to the hospital because that was when we’d officially had an hour of 5 or less minute apart contractions. The midwife chuckled as her call service had let her know we’d called again and by the time she called us back we were in the parking garage. She said she’d let the hospital know we were coming. While we registered at the Emergency Room registration area Jessica had two contractions and a few more on the way up to the hospital’s labor and delivery area. The walk should have been short, but the contractions kept us stopping. The Registered Nurse (RN) took some initial measurements and tests and determined that Jessica had dialated to 5 centimeters already. Jessica planned to go walking around the department to help speed up contractions but found that she was unable to walk very far before having another contraction. Plus the contractions were becoming more intense. As a side note I want to offer other fathers-to-be this advice: only give your pregnant lady at most 2 fingers to squeeze during contractions. A whole hand has too many knuckles and you’ll regret giving her 3 or more fingers as the knuckles will press into one another and you’ll cry like a baby.

Jessica chose plan B which was to get into the bathtub and have further contractions there. This was the best choice she could have made as the water helped sooth her and reduce the pain level of the contractions. Once the midwife arrived in our room Jessica had been in the tub for a while and had even more contractions. The midwife helped her out of the tub and had her get into the delivery bed and checked her for greater dialation. In an hours time Jessica had gone from 5 centimeters to 8 centimeters. We were debating whether or not the midwife should break her bag of water (which buffers the baby from the birth canal). God, having a better plan than us, ended the debate and brake it by way of internal pressure. We didn’t have to choose to wait or have the midwife do it. You can start your stopwatches now because 22 minutes later Evie would enter the world. Once the midwife was ready for the pushing and catching Evie it only took 6 minutes of pushing.

I want to pause here and say that Jessica did a phenominal job during this whole day. She was patient, determined and gracious (with exception to threatening to squeeze my ‘manicals’ which was a joke anyway). In the bathtub she had said, “I don’t know if I can do this.” Which was mostly because it was rather painful. However, she kept on keepin’ on and she did great. When the pushing came on the RN and the Midwife told her to focus and push. Jessica closed her eyes, focused her brain and with 2 pushes Evie was out. Amazing. I watched and cried as two of the three most beautiful women in my life were there before me in a short moment of wonder.

I cut the umbilical cord in the tradition of so many men. The hospital wouldn’t let me bring in my table saw to do that so I just used the provided scissors. I rushed out to tell Linda after taking a moment to hold the precious new girl in my arms. She wasn’t in the hallway and I figured she’d gone out to smoke. It turns out she was in the waiting room: waiting. However, she came shortly and we cried together as she held Evie. We made some phone calls and let some people know that she was here and had my parents bring Abby over even though it was after 9:00 PM.

Jessica, Evie and I stayed at the hospital and Evie was shockingly quiet during the night. We had planned to take her to the nurses station between feedings to ensure sleeping but Evie was just so quiet and sleeping, too, so we kept her with us. I got about 5 hours of sleep that night, but it was restful sleep because the intensity of the day was over.

Abby’s still adjusting to having a little sister, Jessica and I are adjusting to waking up at odd hours of the night and Evie is adjusting to everything. We’re doing well and I’m pleased to share my presious little girl, who already has a good sense of humor.
Daddy, you crack me up

The Latest Catastrophe

I’m amazed at the number of lives that have been lost in the latest quake over in Pakistan and India. I’ve prayed specifically for them several times now during family prayers and each time I see news reports or some sort of reminder I’m boldly going before the throne of God to (Hebrews 4:16) to ask for the safety of those who survive and for quick aid and medical attention. I’m also praying for the missionaries that are in that area because right now there are a mixture of religions, lots of tension and a lot of social and spiritual things to try to handle at once.

Fortunately, I know God’s big enough and infinite enough to be ‘up to the task.’

Happy Anniversary, My Bride!

Today is 7 years for Jessica and I. I was so amazingly anxious, its not even funny. Actually, it’s hilarious to look back on. I was so nervous that I could not iron a shirt I needed to wear after the reception. I drove the shirt over to my parents’ house where my Grandma Martin was at. She ironed it for me. And it was then that she gave me the best sex advice I had gotten at that time: Be a gentleman. She said, “Your grandpa was such a gentleman the night of our honeymoon.” Which sounded like it was going to lead to a conversation that had too much information. However, that’s all she said (and Randy rejoiced for fear of hearing about grandparent sex).

Jessica and I have been through all sorts of crazy stuff since this day seven years ago, but I’ve loved it all because we’ve grown close, together.

Randy the Recanter

Some time ago I wrote about working from home and one of my reasons for getting things done was ‘fear.’ I’d like to withdraw that publicly as a reason that anyone should do anything. Fear is a bad motivator in most situations (I’m not going to generalize and say ‘all’ because I’m sure we could put our collective minds together and say that, “fear is a good motivator if…”). In fact working from anywhere should be inspired by integrity instead of fear.

If you get things done with integrity then the only fear you have to have is that you won’t get paid or that you won’t get credit for something. However, you don’t have to fear failure because integrity often includes things that preclude failure [again, that’s a generalization and we can come up with exceptions]. Doing things the right way because its the right way will often lead to better quality work because your work ethic is motivated correctly. Motivation, drive or whatever you want to call it: integrity is the way to go. Lets pass on the fear motivator for working. Don’t fear unemployment, don’t fear ‘not enough money,’ don’t fear failure. God may very well be closing one chapter in your life to open another chapter; further, this life is not the end, death is seperation from this body.

Why Fear when you can have integrity?

Three Weeks Cheeze-it Free

I have officially been Cheez-it free for at least three weeks. I’m hoping to stay clean for a long time – its a good thing for me to reduce my carb and cheese intake, that is until the next time Jessica makes cheesecake. But who knows? I could be healthy in my eating habits for weeks and months until the holidays hit 🙂

My Keyboard…

My computer keyboard cost me $100.00 with a mouse. Its a wireless Microsoft keyboard and mouse. It is great, I love it and for Windows, its the bomb. However – and here’s the real confession – it doesn’t even have a right shift key. Well, really it does but my right hand doesn’t have the muscle memory to find it, I have to physically look down to see the right shift key before my right pinky finger can touch it. I can what at most of the other keys comfortably, but my right pinky refuses to cooperate with any keys besides Enter, the semi-colon, colon, spleen and pancreas. I suppose I could train it, but there’s something about a semi-domesticated finger that I like. Its like a party trick where some people can do magic tricks, others can mix crazy drinks while juggling and my right pinky finger is gimpy. Sure, its not hardly as impressive, but its my trick.

Lunch

I had lunch with Abby today. Jess wasn’t feeling well and so she was napping. Abby and I sat at her little play table in her ‘area’ and we quietly ate our food. I love my daughter and she is so beautiful to me. As I was ascending the stares I kissed towards her and she blew me a kiss back. There is nothing more special to a father (well, a quasi-sane father at least) than some sort of affection such as a blown kiss. She snuggled me a lot yesterday since she wasn’t feeling as well during the day and I cherish those sort of things. I know one day she’ll be grown up, and every person who’s got grown children tells me its going to go fast, but I see it going fast already. We’ll be having Evie shortly and it amazes me that I’m going to have a second little girl.

How can one be more precious than the other? They aren’t. I know they’ll both be little pistols and I’m going to have to work hard to keep my head straight. I know they’ll be different, but I know that they’ll be the same in that I’ll love them both with as much of me as I can and that I’ll have to let them go – they’re not mine to keep, but to provide for until some guy marries one of them and then another guy marries the other… its a big job, but I’m enjoying it. Abby and Evie, if you ever read this, know that I love you both a lot and I can’t wait to see where God takes you, even in the hard times I’ll (and We’ll, your mom loves you, too!) be praying for you and will want to give you as much love as I can.

Keep making me laugh, its practice for heaven.