My buddy Tony Nuzzi turned 30 on the 30th. He asked for me to write him a hip-hop song. So I did. This one has some strange references that are inside jokes, but over all most people should be able to comprehend the weirdness…Fanizzle.mp3. Happy Birthday Tony 🙂 Apologies I’m so white.
Category Archives: Funny
Stink
If there’s one thing I pride myself on its my ability to keep to myself when needed. As much as I often want to make comments on things I refrain. For those of you who know how often I make comments you can probably extrapolate how many comments don’t get said.
On the airplane on the way home from some meetings this week I refrained from commenting (for those of you in Texas thinking, “We should have gotten together” but we didn’t, apologies, there just wasn’t time on this super-quick trip). You see I wanted to tell the man who wreaked of alcohol that he should probably drink less so that the smell didn’t pour out of his pores. But then, I came in contact with a family of people from a different part of the world. The entire family sat around my seat in various other seats in a U shape. And they emitted the smell of Jr. High. That is to say that in Jr. High most boys don’t bathe as often as they should. Only this was an entire family of stinkiness. An entire family of people who really should have just rented their own private plane to stink up. The upside is that the alcohol smell actually went away. The downside was the three girls sitting in front of me and the alcky were all too young to be sitting by themselves, but were doing so despite the better judgement of evey other passenger on the plane and the flight attendants. They insisted that wiggling, giggling, jiggling and fiddling with their seats as well as making lots of other noises was a good plan.
Their fathers came up periodically to congregate in the aisleway. Which of course sent the stewardess into 9/11 commando mode and she had to scurry them off to their seats. I’m not worried about devout Hindus [as was evident by their garb and makeup between the eyes], who won’t eat animals, let alone kill them taking a plane down, but it could be the perfect smoke screen for some guy to go and try to open the door.
The Cat in the Hat Principle
As a rule, when I find others may benefit from my experience, I like to blog about it. This morning I experienced something that hasn’t happened since Abby, but needs to be written about for other fathers: The Cat in the Hat Principle. This principle can be summarized as follows: When poop can go everywhere, it will go everywhere.
You see, I was changing Evie’s diaper and when I opened up the ‘package’ it was fully loaded. Apparently whatever we’ve been feeding her decided that a mass exodus was the best plan of attack. So when I started wiping the poop started to spread – just like the spot in the Cat in the Hat books. Except for I didn’t have cats A-Z to wip up after me. As soon as I started the substance spread to the areas I was trying to wipe instead of coming off. It was as if the poop was one of the biblical plagues.
Eventually, after probably laughing silently to herself, Jessica stepped in and became cats A through Z. She quickly cleaned up and I went to the washroom to avail myself of its cleaning products hoping that the phenomenon didn’t reproduce in our recently cleaned bathroom.
Beware fathers of babies – this could happen to you! And tell your other father and father-to-be friends, this needs to be warned of so that they don’t panic and lose consciousness with the baby on the table.
Jessica’s Trashy Husband
Jessica came in after having been out getting Abby’s dress tailored and asked, “Did you miss the garbage collection?” Which turned out to be a silly question to ask. It was silly because missing would have implied that I had attempted to get the garbage to the curb. Instead this morning I got up and went straight to work and didn’t even once think of the garbage needing to go out. Now this afternoon the sense of humor of God showed up as iTunes played the song ‘Trash Can Darling’. Yup, that’s me. Oh, the irony.
Extra! Extra! Laptop Makes Aurora Man Superhero!
This evening the power went out. I think it went out on a date, but I couldn’t tell. I just new it was gone, but my four year old did not like the night-light not working and proceded to panic like I had sicked a pack of rabid centipedes on her. After I finally sedated her with several gallons of maple syrup and the last of our melting ice cream Jessica and I headed downstairs to sit in the dark. Some of you might think of this as a perfect opportunity to make out or something else like setup the tent in the basement and pretend we’re camping and light several small wooden pieces of furniture on fire and roast marshmallows. Instead I pulled out my laptop and offered to spend time with Jessica doing something she likes to do. Apparently watching movies is something that people do on non-comuter-like devices. I suspect that is why I paid so much money for my television with the huge 24 inch screen. Alas the television does not come with its own power backup.
My MacBook Pro does come with such a backup and Jessica and I sat in the near darkness of the candle light in our basement and watched part of some movie I can’t remember [just kidding, it was “50 First Dates” – that was a memory joke]. The electricity being off means that some of the background noise I’m used to from electrical devices was missing and the quietness of the laptop speakers in their normal environment didn’t show up. The screen, which was set to be as dull as possible to preserve the limited battery power worked great in the darkness of the room. And Jessica was wonderful to cuddle with. She insisted, after the power came back on, that we not stop watching until after the scene where Drew Berrymore beats the snot out of Rob Schneider with an aluminum baseball bat (which is completely rediculous because in real life a single shot with that bat would take most people out, but Drew gets him over and over and he still ends up running off).
OK, so I probably didnt’ end up a super-hero, but I did get some good time alone with Jessica, and that’s powerful stuff.
I Pledge…
The latest Best Buy commercial starts with all sorts of pledging. Not pledging with value, but instead pledging of garbage, drivel, and stupidity. Pledging to help you get into debt on a new TV system. Pledging to show off their stuff to friends (in greedy, selfish boasting). And of course pledging to help you. Right. Best Buy employees are about the least helpful employees. I have asked for help there several times and not gotten it. Instead they only work in departments that give them kickbacks.
I pledge to not shop there.
Ed
Happy birthday to my brother, who is, if my memory serves me correctly, twenty-seven today. I have to guess on that because if my memory serves me correctly when Ed gets around the right element (such as myself and many others) he reverts to about 14 or so and we all laugh at the excessive amounts of fart jokes. And if we’re lucky its just the jokes that are farty, because sometimes when we’re all hanging out like that it can also involve non-joke farts. In which case our wives, who have not descended into the pits of adolescence, yet again, are disgusted and think we’re pretty much ‘dorks.’ I suppose dork is a word that would have been appropriate at 14… maybe the gals just shift into adolescence differently 😉
Anyway, Happy Birthday Ed, and I fart in your general direction.
Randy Peterman the Sit-Com
You probably have heard the age old adage, “God made man in His image. Man returned the favor.” That would be a quote from Samuel Clemens, also known as Mark Twain. It has nothing to do with this post.
I love it when folks say, “You’re funny,” to me because it makes me feel like they find me funny. But its all a lie. I’m not funny. If you walk up to me and say, “Randy, give me all of your money.” you are more likely to get money than if you were to walk up to me and say, “Be funny” and get a joke. I think you’d have a much higher chance of walking up to George Bush and getting the correct spelling for ‘strategery’ than you would me whipping out a funny quip. But I do try.
What really gets me going is a funny scenario where my mind can just go off into the never-never land of imagination and put people in very, very strange situations that could never happen. For example putting me in a fast food employee scenario. That would be weird because I could riff on the concepts given me. The problem with that scenario is that its been done too many times. However, what if a person worked fast food and truly excelled at there job? What then? Imagine the annoyed customers when an employee actually gave a rip! I would be really ticked off if an employee actually asked me if I liked my food while I’m trying to reconstruct the elements that could potentially make up a hamburger.
And that, in short, is why there is not a Sit-Com based on the comedy material of Randy Peterman. Because there really isn’t comedy material… its just a bunch of pops and clicks that happen to coincide with very strange thoughts that come out as a tumultuous blech of weirdness. And there’s already a show called Southpark that does that.
Funny Commercial
Messin With Sasquatch lots of fun 🙂
Heeler, and I Don’t Mean Benny Hinn
We’ve done some digging and have confirmed that our cute little puppy is not a sharpei. Nope, she’s a heeler. Also known as an Australian Cattle Dog. And that means that she does the following things quite well:
- Herd Cattle. Of which I have none
- Chew on anything and everything that moves and doesn’t move. We have lots of these
- Require huge amounts of attention to keep from chewing on anything and everything that moves and doesn’t move.
So its going to be interesting 🙂 Turns out to further make things interesting Jessica may be permanently allergic to the dog. So we might have to return her to the Colorado Puppy Rescue and let someone else rescue her… again. We’ll keep you posted.