Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Mind Games for Driving

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I’ll be driving to Indiana this upcoming Thanksgiving week.  The best part of the drive is the mind games I have to play with myself to make the drive endurable.  I like the destination enough, its the road that makes me just a bit batty.

Colorado has a speed limit on the highway of 75, if the roads are dry and iceless then you can do a great jaunt to Kansas.

Kansas is the state that sucks.  The most out of the drive.  It is like driving across an empty piece of paper that is 410 miles long.  There are ruined old shacks sitting in the distant empty fields and porn towns (gas station + adult store with ‘town name’ sign at highway intersection).  To make my way through Kansas a little more exciting I’m going to poke my eyes out and drive with cruise control on.

Illi-noise, which is a special state where relatives live, is the dumbest state of speed limits that are falsely low.  Instead of the speed of geniuses 75 MPH, they have a speed limit of 5 MPH.  I know that doesn’t sound probably, but once you’ve been driving through Kansas at whatever your vehicle will do Illinoys’ 65MPH speed limit seems like a drug induced psychedelic experience of pain.  I think I’d prefer to have a porcupine stuck in my shoes when I’m not looking than drive 65 through Illinaise.  If you live in Illinoose how fast do you drive on the slow-ways?

Indiana has a speed limit of something I don’t recall.  I think its 70.  However, since I’m usually exhausted when I’m driving through it it doesn’t matter.  I play the game with myself that Indianapolis is about half way through the corn state so that once I’m getting into it or out of it I’ve accomplished something.

What things do you recommend to make the drive more sane?

World Series Tickets

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A news report just came on and they were announcing that if you wanted tickets to the World Series you’d have to buy them on… the internet.  And then they said, “If you don’t have a computer you can go to the library to try to buy tickets.”  Yeah, because if you can afford $200.00 or more baseball tickets I’m going to predict that you’ve got enough money for a computer.  Maybe its just me, but that seemed rather silly.

Of course, it is ‘news’ so I shouldn’t expect too much.

Schmizness

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A quote from Merlin Mann:

You can make any bit of business reporting sound smarter if you say an event happened “quietly.” Makes it sound like only you noticed it.

I totally need to take this tactic to the next level and declare that the world happens silently around me.  Of course part of that is true since I’m often in my basement and the noise of the usual is deadened by concrete and the internet.

Contrary to the Rumors I Have Not Been Acquired by Google… Yet!

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Good golly Google is gobbling up web web properties like the interwebs were just one huge yard sale of properties for them, Microsoft or Yahoo!  Of course other companies like Cisco are more judiciously making acquisitions.  I don’t want you to be afraid that RPDRND and its web properties are being gobbled.  Nope, nobody wants a piece of this pie.  Apparently they’re not nuts over this kind of nuttiness.

Such is life, I guess I’ll just have to be happy with being second rate 😉

Nine Years

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Today is our nine year anniversary.  Last night Evelyn kept us up with no sleeping, which falls in line to what we were doing nine years ago: Jessica was kidnapped by her bridesmaids and forced to go around Carson City, Nevada with a sign saying something embarrassing.  I was just not sleeping because I get so freaking nervous around events like weddings, baby births and waiting to pick up to-go food that I just can’t sleep.  So the lack of sleep from having two girls, one of which who is a night owl, is something that getting married prepared me for.  Not.

Upon the day of our wedding I was a super-emotional basket case.  I was unable to iron my own clothes so I had to go over to my parents house where my grandma was staying for the wedding and have her iron my clothes for the departure from the reception.  I could not operate an iron if I had to.  To further emphasize my inability to think I had to stop at the Mervyn’s on the way to the church to buy black socks because I had failed to bring some with me.  My brain was in a state of total and utter shock.  I’m surprised I could drive – I probably shouldn’t have.

Being married to Jessica has been an overwhelming success and I would definitely do it again (though I wouldn’t recommend it for others – she’s mine and you can’t have her).  She’s been through thick and thin, richer and poorer and sickness and health.  She’s also been a great spiritual partner as we have grown in the Lord.  She’s a rockin’ mommy and a great motivator (except for with working out which I refuse to do when she suggests it because I’m a stubborn dork).  I’m thrilled to be her husband and am looking forward to the next nine!

Fake It Please

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This evening while I was talking with Abby Evelyn walked in and held up a Polly Pocket figurine and said, “Daddy, fake it please.”  Unfortunately her pronunciation isn’t what it could be… the reality of her slip-up was too funny to me.  There’s nothing like putting a rubberized wig on a tiny figurine with the refraining echo of ‘fake it’ ringing in your head 🙂

Naughty Children and the Lying Parents that Lie to Them

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Today at “Old Knavy” we were looking at clothes in the “I like pink” section for children and a mother, whose child was out of hand, said to her child who was out of hand, “See?  Those girls just asked their mommy & daddy why you were being so naughty.”  Jessica and I began to laugh because 1) our girls were just being out of hand seconds earlier and 2) the mother was lying to her daughter to get her daughter to obey.

I think that this mother totally missed the boat – if you’re going to lie to your children scare the carp out of them.  Make them wish they had never been naughty because of the aliens on the other side of the clothing rack that are ready to suck their brains out through little straws that will go into your children’s ears.  That will cause your children to stop being naughty.  When they’re as young as our children are peer pressure just doesn’t have the same effect.  Of course my children will be disciplined for naughtiness in large quantities and it appears that the girl we were witnessing gets disciplined when Santa comes to visit with the 3,500 dollars in presents come every holiday.  That is to say… never.

Thirty

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So today I am thirty.  Thirty years of heart pumping, sweat inducing action.

Or sitting behind a computer desk typing.

The good thing is that I’ve learned some things since turning 18 and being legally an adult:

  1.  If you find a girl worth marrying – don’t wait!  The worst part of 18-21 was not being married
  2. Church legalism kills – I left a few churches and tried out many more.  If you find legalism – move on.
  3. Credit cards are not free money – they have cost me thousands of dollars in paid interest and interest unearned on investments
  4. Waiting to lose weight is a dumb idea.  I am finally down to below 170 after spending the latter half of my twenties above 170 and 180 and 190
  5. I stink at fulfilling new years resolutions like 99% of the rest of the Earth’s population
  6. If you find a company worth working for – stick with it.  I love working for my major client because they’ve got great character in the owners.  I can honestly say I love those two guys [and many of the employees there].
  7. Be patient.  With your wife/husband, kids, friends, relatives, co-workers, animals, other drivers and yourself.
  8. Keep smiling and laughing.  If everyone is laughing, they may be getting a break from a lot of hurt.  Or if they’re doing well before, they’re doing better now.
  9. Kiss your wife every day as often and as caringly [SIC] as possible.
  10. Spell check your blog.

My children are beautiful, my wife is amazing, my church home continues to amaze me, my job is going well and I’ve learned a lot.  Thanks for participating in my thirtieth birthday!

Oxygen

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I was recently in at the 16th street mall in downtown Denver and I saw an ‘oxygen’ booth selling oxygen for the partier who was trying to avoid a hangover.  Seriously, that was their gimmick.  But instead of fun happy looking people sitting at the booth two women who looked rather stressed and tired were sitting there with hoses around there face.  In the middle of downtown.  With hundreds of people passing by.  The weirdness did not stop there.  We passed the booth going South the first time.

Going North we passed the booth which had no customers, but the employee was standing there.  Next to his oxygen tanks.  Smoking.

Dumb!