Category Archives: Humor

Extra! Extra! Laptop Makes Aurora Man Superhero!

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This evening the power went out.  I think it went out on a date, but I couldn’t tell.  I just new it was gone, but my four year old did not like the night-light not working and proceded to panic like I had sicked a pack of rabid centipedes on her.  After I finally sedated her with several gallons of maple syrup and the last of our melting ice cream Jessica and I headed downstairs to sit in the dark.  Some of you might think of this as a perfect opportunity to make out or something else like setup the tent in the basement and pretend we’re camping and light several small wooden pieces of furniture on fire and roast marshmallows.  Instead I pulled out my laptop and offered to spend time with Jessica doing something she likes to do.  Apparently watching movies is something that people do on non-comuter-like devices.  I suspect that is why I paid so much money for my television with the huge 24 inch screen.  Alas the television does not come with its own power backup.
My MacBook Pro does come with such a backup and Jessica and I sat in the near darkness of the candle light in our basement and watched part of some movie I can’t remember [just kidding, it was “50 First Dates” – that was a memory joke].  The electricity being off means that some of the background noise I’m used to from electrical devices was missing and the quietness of the laptop speakers in their normal environment didn’t show up.  The screen, which was set to be as dull as possible to preserve the limited battery power worked great in the darkness of the room.  And Jessica was wonderful to cuddle with.  She insisted, after the power came back on, that we not stop watching until after the scene where Drew Berrymore beats the snot out of Rob Schneider with an aluminum baseball bat (which is completely rediculous because in real life a single shot with that bat would take most people out, but Drew gets him over and over and he still ends up running off).

OK, so I probably didnt’ end up a super-hero, but I did get some good time alone with Jessica, and that’s powerful stuff.

Heeler, and I Don’t Mean Benny Hinn

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We’ve done some digging and have confirmed that our cute little puppy is not a sharpei.  Nope, she’s a heeler.  Also known as an Australian Cattle Dog.  And that means that she does the following things quite well:

  • Herd Cattle.  Of which I have none
  • Chew on anything and everything that moves and doesn’t move.  We have lots of these
  • Require huge amounts of attention to keep from chewing on anything and everything that moves and doesn’t move.

So its going to be interesting 🙂  Turns out to further make things interesting Jessica may be permanently allergic to the dog.  So we might have to return her to the Colorado Puppy Rescue and let someone else rescue her… again.  We’ll keep you posted.

Jingle Bells…

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If you’re not ready for Christmas… why not?  The stores are already starting to prepare.  Get ready for the slow building of holiday music as you shop, get ready for the discount Christmas cards to be out ready for you to pick up.  Get ready for the school children to swing by our door and ask you to help them raze funds for a school camp, class projects, or to pay for facial tissues because the schoolz no longer provide those.  Get ready for long(er) lines at the stores.  And most of all, get ready to pass around the Fruit Cake.

Although it is rumored that some readers of this blog like fruit cake.  And so now I pass on the challenge to my sister: make a fruitcake that isn’t nasty.

This is Probably Not a Surprise

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This evening I watched a Wendy’s restaurant employee carry a large stack of food from Taco Bell (across the parking lot) into Wendy’s.  Nothing says company loyalty like that.  At least she could have worn civilian clothes so that she looked like a rude customer instead of a traitor 🙂

Viewing the Stars

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If you’re like me you’ve never watched ‘The View’ all the way through… and the only reason that you watched 15 minutes of it in the first place is because you were sick and you happened to have dropped the remote control far enough away that the increase in nausia brought on by moving towards the remote had to outway the nausia from the show.  Its tough to guage that number because its different for everyone.  Chuck Norris probably gave his television a look and it changed the channel while people like myself had to deal with the emotional battle brought on by the predicament.

Lately in the news it appears that Star Jones-Gastric-Bypass-Reynolds is at odds with her co-host Barbera Mummy-Walters.  And by odds I mean she pretty much wishes she hadn’t lost all of the weight through *cough gastric bypass surgery cough* diet and exercise so as to sit on Barbara’s frail skeletal structure and end the feud.  Barbara on the other hand has handled things really well if by really well you consider that she’s playing the media – her only source of attention – against Star Johannesburg-Reynolds-Wrap.

This sort of jockeying around is just rediculous if you take into account that most people don’t give a rip about Star Jones’ celebrity status.  Once someone finally takes out Kathy Griffith Star Jones can have her show, “My life on the F list.”   Barbara Walters could have her own show, “How being under intense lighting for interviews can help keep your skin looking young and looking like old suitcase leather.”  I think the only solution will be for the two of them to go onto Montel William’s show and kiss and make up… until Rosie O’Donnell comes out from the back room and changes the dynamic of what I meant by kissing and making up.

The View may forever be dead now that they’re losing Jar Stones-Reynolds, and gaining Rosie O.  And it won’t have anything to do with either of them… I think someone’s going to discover that Barbera Walters is secretly Yoda and can the View.

Undercooked Meat Hex

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The last couple times I’ve grilled non-Steak meats on the grill I have undercooked them the first time they were on the grill.  This was driving me crazy!  Then I realized that I have been cooking everything like its steak, and so I’m a complete moron and the problem is not my grill or the meat.  So, next time I grill non-steak meats on the grill I am going to do it right.  people will once again be able to eat when I say the food is done on the grill and not so much gagging, running for the bathroom and losing their appetite when they cut into mostly raw armadillo.

95% Chance of Hosery

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Well, today the ‘adjuster’ came out and looked at my car.  I liked him, his name was Andy and he had a goatee.  It was like a taller version of myself with brown curly hair, a slender body and boots on.  Who has a different job.  Who lives in a different part of Colorado with a different family.  Yeah, we had a lot in common.

Andy told me that due to the fact that the outside and inside of the quarter panel and trunk had been damaged that most likely the auto-body people would tell him that it would cost a quadrillion-bazillion-trillion-finity dollars to fix the car and that it would be cheaper to buy a new one. Heck, I only paid tens of thousands for the car in the first place, with repair bills that high its a bit steep to put it in ‘ship shape’ condition.  Not that I want to go sailing in a Honda Civic.
So, in short there’s a 95% chance that I’m going to be making a deal with the devil car dealer soon so that I can drive a new pimped ride.

MI3 -> Bathroom -> Wrong Impression

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So, as part of tonight’s Mission Impossible 3 viewing I took a trip to the restroom that was about as far away from the theater that I was watching the movie in and above the urinal they had an advertisement.  That advertisement, shown below, looked like a very angry chiropractor was going to blow the patient away with his semi-automatic spine column.  “I’ll fill you so full of vertebrae that you’ll be begging for me to adjust your thoracic region!”

All your adjustments are belong to us

Go ahead, imagine a full clip of phalanges and a femur for a handle and it could be something that would pass airport security 😉

Teleconference Snark Shark

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I am listening in on a teleconference and watching a Powder Point [SIC] presentation.

As I hear dumb things from the sales person I’m going to share them, but instead of being negative, I’m going to try to turn things into a positive twist.

Salesman: “Looks how easy it is to submit issues.”

When I tell Jessica to submit, it causes issues. However, I like how software can be made to submit.
I just saw a PowerPoint slide with a fake person named Joe.  Joe needs to shave, but beyond that I’m sure that his underlings are happy to be working for a guy ten years their junior.  Happiness is a core point in all of the power point pictures.  Happy to use the software, happy to have bugs reported.  Happy.

Wow, this presentation is over and it was short on dumb statements.  Though apparently most of the staff at the headquarters quietly left the meeting since they didn’t have any interest in what was being said 😛

Sushi

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Jessica ate Sushi tonight and liked it.  She totally wrestled with the chopsticks, but made up for it in eating raw, uncooked, redundant fish.  On top of that she also ate non-fish items like rice, veggies and cooked eel.  Good stuff.  I had some sushi, but the balance of my meal came from the plate, which balanced quite nicely on the table.  Oh, and I ate Kung Pow Chicken!  I asked for it to be extra hot.  I think the chef thought I meant, warm, which was fine, because the flavor was actually quite nice on top of being warm.  Next time I think I’ll have to send it back and complain that I wasn’t crying after the first bite.  Dr. Starling, whom we went to dinner with, thought that the KPC was hot, but I think she needs to learn about hot by eating more hot stuff like habanero peppers.

OK, I really need to go to bed now.