Category Archives: Funny

Goofy, off-the-wall or silly things I might find or think.

Prepare for the Deluge

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I’m going to be rather busy for the next several months.  This is common for this time of the year and about 2 years ago I worked insane hours for three months – last year I worked insane hours for about a month.  Usually I think I will blog less, but I find that I probably blog the same or more.  This means that you will probably not notice anything different or care about the change in things posted here, but I like to communicate with you the readers.  It makes me feel like a good personal blogger.

I also have some extra complications because I have several development jobs going at once so I’m going to be even busier than normal plus more busy which can be equated to busy, busy.  Or, in mathematical formala-like expressions:

Busy1 + Busy2 = Insanity3.

I find blogging to be a solace.  Not quite like the Scott Joplin song, but it still helps me to relaxe.  Music does, too, but blogging is faster to complete (thus the typos and the bad grammar).

Ford & Bush

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So the New York Times headline declared that after the private family funeral a memorial for Ford would be “in Rotunda” (of course the online edition has different text so I can’t link to it).  Of course I can only wonder how different the foreign policy would be between the Ford administration and the nation of Rotunda and the Bush administration and the nation of Rotunda.  I hadn’t even heard of that country before.  I’d heard of Rwanda, but since some of those African countries come and go like satellites in the night sky, why should I worry about them other than they’re obviously kind enough to host a funeral for one of our nation’s presidents.  Some might even call him our best president – but I don’t know those people and President Ford unfortunately didn’t influence my life as much as Regan or the Bushes or Clinton because he was president while I was an infant.  But don’t get me wrong, it was a lovely infancy as far as I can remember.

President Bush might be more inclined to seek incredible influence on Rotunda because I think he believes that countries we dont’ influence are influencing other countries we don’t influence with iPods and other such nonsense.  Its probably for the best because given that more and more of the American population is becoming rotund, controlling a puppet government in Rotunda only makes sense.  Of course the biggest problem with the name Rotunda is that if its anywhere near Ethiopia it won’t fit in with all of the Ethiopian jokes I learned as a kid.  Speaking of which… what’s the fastest thing in the African desert?  An Ethiopian with a meal voucher.  What’s the slowest thing in the African desert? A Rotund person doing anything.

Our Postman has a Firstname, its O-S-C-A-R…

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Actually, I’m certain that he has a first name, and a last name, and like many people he probably has a middle name. I don’t know any of his names. But I do know his nickname. His nickname is now Sparky. Why? Because last night when for the first time in five days he delivered our mail (due to the weather, that’s not a complaint) we watched him step on the gas and just let his mail deliver vehicle sink into the snow until it dug into the pavement and sent sparks flying from the snow tires not quite getting traction. I’m certain that he’s a fine individual, but I wouldn’t quite drive the LLV that way.

The patch Sparky left in the snow

Illegal Information That Should Not Be Posted to the Internet

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Illegal information such as my sister’s recipe for peppermint marshmallows.  I don’t know where she keeps it stashed, but just like the Colonel’s chicken recipe it should be locked up and forever banned from being published.  Unless of course the military made it in large batches and delivered it to the middle east.  I’m pretty sure it would take care of most of the problems there because people would be stuffing their faces with peppermint marshmallows instead of planning taliban terrorist things.

They’re great, but I think you just need to register with the state if you carry them on your person.  And maybe you need a prescription to acquire them.  Thanks, Becky 🙂

The Collective Buttocks of the Music Industry Have Spoken

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In what can only be described as either insane or completely normal for insane people the Major music labels of America, AKA:” The people who would sue your grandma if they found out she had MP3’s on her computer – even if she didn’t know how they got on there,” are suing the Russian MP3 sharing site AllOfMP3.com for 1.65 trillion dollars. In case that sounds like a lot of money, you’d be wrong. Because in Russian Rubles it would be 43.378995 trillion rubles. OK, that’s the same amount of a lot of money.

Yearly music sales for the major labels is only $40 billion worldwide or roughly one fortieth of the sought reimbursement. Granted that the attorneys in this case, if their pipe dreams come true, will get a large chunk of that. So maybe a handful of attorneys join the world’s wealthiest billionaires, displacing Bill Gates as most hated human being because everyone else is jealous, or maybe this silly site is going to disappear, the Russians will not pay a ruble, and the RIAA will go about suing grandmas, teenagers, and complaining that music sales keep dropping because of the Internet. Surely no one could possibly be buying less music because they don’t want another Britney Spears album, they never wanted a Paris Hilton album, and they also did not want another new album for the asking price of $18.00 a disc. Oh, and nobody even whispered in dark rooms or in back alleys that they wanted a Kevin Federline album.

I of course keep knocking out number one hits like there’s no tomorrow. Like this.

Snow Storm Samba

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Do you ever watch the news?  Why?  Woops, that was a bit negative 🙂  We’re having a snow storm here in Denver, you may know this.  Its not a big surprise, it happens a couple times a winter and yet every time it happens the local news goes into full coverage.  Full coverage goes like this:

Anchor: “Well, [insert weather person’s name here], what’s it look like out there?”

Weather Entity: “Its a blizzard out there!  Snow is falling fast and hard.”

Anchor: “I hope we can get home!”

Weather being: “Lets check-in with one of the poor saps that we sent out there to stand in the snow so you can feel like you’re getting live coverage as a viewer.  Leslanda, can you hear us?”

Leslanda: “Weather Person, I’m getting blown around here, there’s lots of frozen water that is forming puddles of frozen snow mass.”

Weather entity: “Leslanda, how are the roads?  Are they clear?”

Leslanda: “There are many accidents because pretty much everyone around here forgets that snow is slick.”

And so they go forth with this nonsense like a scripted replay.  Its like Dancing With the Stars only its a newscast.

It happens over and over every year.  Because weather is news.  And news sells commercials.  And commercials sell sex.  And sex sells pretty much everything – which means storms are good for business – if you can get out of your driveway.

Easy Pickin’s

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OK, so commentary on CNN articles is not as uncommon on this blog as I’d have thought it would be.  But when they write articles like this one talking about bad statistical analysis, its hard not to say something.  I quote, “More than nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, according to a new study.”  You do the math: someone’s leg is engaging in premarital sex without the rest of their body.  Either that or their over-simplification of the percentage means that they stink at evaluating the quality of the statement.  One more than nine is ten [if you didn’t know that before, I doubt you’re reading this].   Therefore saying more than nine out of ten would be like saying more than  zero out of one.  If you use a whole number ratio make sure that the whole numbers add up.  The reason that the report later says 95% is because 95% works in a 100% scenario.  If the number had been ninety percent, then I’d be OK with things, or maybe even 80%, but no, they had to involve appendages and non-whole bodies engaging in sex.

And I think that’s just wrong 😉

I Think I Really Screwed Up

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We took Abby to go see the ‘Nutcracker’.  It was Jessica’s idea, but I consented.  I think I’ve violated my girl’s sense of decency.  The moral failure I have now committed is something I apologize for.  Some of you may be thinking about men dancing in tights as being the problem.  And you’d be right.  But I’m not upset about their fronts, they wore cups or some sort of male-front-part-ambiguizer.  But their bums were totally and completely emphasized by the tights.  One dancer’s bum was so completely overly-emphasized that I thought it was possible that the crack of his mass went all the way to the other side.  Fortunately it did not because I would have had difficulty explaining that to Abby.  “Daddy, why does his bottom go all the way through to his front?”  They could have called it, “The Buttcracker.”  It was wrong.

However, Abby was amazed by some non-anatomical things (and actually didn’t mention the tights) like the Christmas tree growing.  She loved the mice dancing around.  She liked some of the dances a lot.  I just hope that she doesn’t want to go again with me.  I can’t watch another round of men in tights.  I just can’t.