Category Archives: Humor

Uh-lympics

Posted on by

After the first week of half-heartedly keeping up with the Olympics I’ve got the drive of a jellyfish to watch this week’s athletic feats [and feets]. Is it just me or do they just have too many olympic events? Do they have to have so many side stories and announcers that are so lame that you just can’t watch more than a few hours of athletics in combination of some of the mind numbing drivel that comes out of their mouths? I imagine that the human interest angle of the Olympics is important now due to several reasons:

  1. Sesame Street – The Children’s Television Workshop has been putting together short video montages since MTV was the twinkle in Satan’s eye (that’s a joke, not a Rock is from the devil comment).
  2. MTV – We’ve been having short videos played to use for several decades now. We can’t handle an hour long televised event unless the commercials are so stellar that we actually watch the event for the commercials (see: Super Bowel Sunday)
  3. The Women of Wisteria Lane – If there’s no drama involved wherein scandals, knee surgeries, single parents with one kidney who nearly died of a gangreen in their pinky-toes from the Olympics in 1611 then the Olympics are just not exciting enough.
  4. CNN – OK, so this ‘news network’ is more like a snooze network. We’re bombarded by twenty-four hour television news feeds which are loaded with human interest stories because gosh darn it: there is not enough really critical news to cover. This is also why the media spent thousands of man hours researching Dick Cheney’s hunting accident.
  5. Dick Cheney’s Hunting Accident – If you’re going to compete with the media frenzy that is the walking medical unit of our Vice President of the United States you have to have something more attention grabbing than ice prancing. 11 out of 8 guys who are flipping through the channels are going to see a man that they presume is homosexual lifting up a woman who’s not as naked as her skin tone outfit initially indicates and keep going until they see that someone that is in a sub-level-power has had an accident with a gun. Who hasn’t had an accident with a gun? Or who hasn’t been related via six degrees of separation to a person who had an accident with Kevin Bacon’s gun?

Clearly the Uh-lympics should be amazing, but I’m amazed by the coverage being so heavy in hours yet so light in content.

Happy Hallmark Holiday!

Posted on by

Happy Valentines Day. Do try to be romantic the other 364.25 days of the year will you? It can sure help get you practiced up and prepared for the one day of the year that Hallmark expects to be paid for it. Oh, and the jewelry store called and said that the earings you ordered won’t be in until Wednesday, sorry about your luck. I guess its back to foot massages and being nice. 😉

Know Thine Sausages

Posted on by

Today at lunch Abby looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and said with such excitement, “Dad, masali tastes like pepperoni.” Which might as well have been French, Russian or any other language besides some dialect of English at first. I didn’t know what she was talking about until I realized that she was talking about salami, which is a completely different kind of sausage, but at least it was close. Salami doesn’t taste like pepperoni to me, but it is a good tasty sausage, and therefore I enjoyed it during my lunchtime meal.

Splinter

Posted on by

While in Washington [state!] over the holidays I helped install a beautiful wood floor at my in-laws. I got one splinter in my left ring finger tip. That little piece of wood has been in me for more than a month and it has been irritating me. This morning if finally came out of me and it was like a limp noodle when I pulled it out. My body had had enough of its craziness and decided that playing the guitar was way more important than hurting.

Sure, I could have pulled it out earlier, but I’m not a big fan of needles and tweezers digging into my flesh for a small piece of wood. Heck, it wouldn’t even help start a fire let alone be worth doing anything else but throwing away! So, I just let my body do its thing until they come out. Yes, I could get an infection and lose my finger. Yes, I could have the splinter work its way through my body and come out of my head 30 years down the road. But most of the time, to my knowledge, my body just rejects them and pushes them back out.

And I’m OK with that.

Ye Olde Footballe

Posted on by

Today I had a brief party at my house wherein we watched some [American] football and consumed food. The food was good, I’ve had better football. The Denver Broncos, our home team, played so well that they gave a great demonstration of what not to do, while the Pittsburg Steelers (where, apparently I have some family heritage. No, not in steel, but Pittsburg) rocked the socks off of the locals. Yes, it was much like beating a dead horse.

Then, to make sure that my brother-in-law and his wife would have a good laugh saying, “Seattle is better than Denver,” the Seattle Seahawks spanked the Carolina Panthers. That is to say that the Panthers lost even worse than the Broncos. I didn’t know that two teams could be in the playoffs and have their playing be so off! Hey, at least the Colts, where my father-in-law is from, Indianapolis, weren’t playing… then it would be like a family feud, and we can’t have that.

Oh, and the Broncos did have a severe disadvantage this game: they hadn’t lost any other home game this season which put them at a near absolute situation where they would lose. I blame statistics and not the fact that Jake Plummer threw two interceptions and fumbled – its all in the numbers.

Eye, Eye, Captain!

Posted on by

I am going to the eye doctor soon. This scares me because I think that my eyes are fine. I think that I can see well. But the truth is that I know they will tell me that my vision is not 20/20 or some number telling me that I can see through walls and burn down buildings with the lazers that shoot out of my eyes.

Will glasses make me look sexy like Clark Kent or will they make me look like an old codger? Of course I may not need glasses, but I’m sure not going to wear contacts – I would go blind poking my eyes before they went in easily.

Abby’s First Gum Experience

Posted on by

This morning I gave Abby a small piece of spicy cinnamon chewing gum because I could tell that she wanted to have some gum. She has delt with spiciness well so far, so I wasn’t afraid of burning her mouth out or causing her life-long emotional harm for one small piece of gum. She agreed with me that she would not swallow the gum and with delight in her eyes she took the piece of gum from my hand and delicately placed it into her mouth and started chewing. About 45 seconds later it was in the trash for being too intense, but she didn’t swallow it, which is better than I can say for my vague recollection of my first gum experience. She did well for not enjoying the intense flavor.

When I was a little boy I think we tried to promote the most outlandish lies about gum and how long it sits in your stomach and how it will kill you because it turns into a fire breathing porcupine that is guaranteed to erupt out of your stomach one night while you’re asleep. Needless to say I was rather worried to learn what my fate would be after swallowing my gum. I’m still here, so you know that I survived the fire breathing porcupine. Whew!

New Years Resolphbphbphbt

Posted on by

So we had a goal of losing some weight and keeping it off this century. Unfortunately we’re off to a bad start having been sick all week long. This thing has been tenacious like nothing else. However, I’m glad for our relative well being as one of my friends in Texas had to have emergency appendicitis surgery last night. Hopefully he’s well – I haven’t heard one way or the other yet.

Other goals for the year were to become trillionaires by the 8th, which is tomorrow. We’re 1.0 × 10-12 of the way there 🙂 I don’t think we’ll make it, but it was low on the list. Along with a disgusting amount of wealth we wanted to try to become invincible – we’ll have to wait and see how this one goes – I’ll let you know if we’ve not achieved this goal. I’d also like to spell correctly all the time, have perfect grammar and not have to be reminded all the time about how much my math skills have weekened since graduating from second grade and dropping out of elementary school.

What has weirded me out this last week is that Jessica continues to discuss Abby’s education. As if Abby actually will be educated. I’d prefer her to stay little and be my baby girl from here-on foreward. Evie, also, is not allowed to get older. Well, not really, there would be some benefit to them growing up, but I love my little girls. I think we’ll just keep having to have babies as time goes on, though Jessica wholeheartedly agrees with the contrary idea: no more kiddos.

My resolution for this year will be this: to blog with more pictures of my girls. My Nikon 5700 has just about driven me crazy. I’m ready to send it to Nikon and say, “Take this camera, and shove it.” It has just been a frustrating experience more times than not. Such is life. At least we have our cheap 3 megapixel camera that takes decent snapshots, which is what we need to document the craziness of our little girls.

OK, I better get off the blog, Jess is off the phone. See you later.

Being Rich Does Not Mean You Can Run

Posted on by

In what has to be one of the most awkward moments in video gaming history last night at the Consumer Electronics Show(CES) in Las Vegas Bill Gates played a video game with Steve Balmer on the X-box 360. When the boxing announcer (who was actually going to call the video game’s fight) called out Bill Gates bill ran out onto the stage in what can be described as a mobile seizure. It was Bill Gates, the richest man on the planet (as far as monetary value is concerned), running like he had never run in his life and this was his first stab at it. He came out flailing his arms while his legs wiggled in a motion that must be described as a run since it was faster than his walk.

Steve Balmer came out screaming to get the crowd hype and then Bill Gates beat up Balmer on the screen while the announcer pretended to announce the game while instead he read some propaganda that was on the screan/teleprompter. In short it made me glad to not own an X-Box 360 and not want to buy one lest I start to look like Bill Gates or Steve Balmer.

Being rich does, however, mean that Bill Gates could pay off the International Olympics Committee to get them to change the rules for olympic running so that all athletes need to run like him, so that the next Summer Olympics have a recorded moment where two announcers actually say:
Announcer 1: “We’re seeing a lot slower running this year in the olympics.”
Annaouncer 2: “Yes, ever since the Gates rule was put in place things have really slowed down.”

Dang. That’s just wrong.

Change Your Underwear… Switch Your Foot

Posted on by

So I was working away on the couch here in WA, Jessica was nursing Evie and watching the TLC show “Yet Another Home Tweaking Show Where We Surprise Someone By Blatantly Lyeing to Them.” A commercial ‘break’ came on and I immediately looked up because I recognized the Switchfoot song “Adding to the Noise.” Ironically the song is about turning off the noise that the culture throws at you (television, radio, and anything else that’s distracting to life). The commercial? Victoria’s Secret! Weird.