Category Archives: Confessions

Things about me you probably never wanted or don’t need to know.

Empty Pockets

This morning I had to drive our puppy to the puppy adoption place.  Hot Pocket had to go because of Jessica’s allergies and this was a tough, tough choice.  Driving her to the adoption drop-off was extra long due to traffic and construction and it made it worse.  Hot Pocket was wimpering in the back of the CRV as the bumps in the road startled her and the sudden stops at times would throw her off her balance.  Upon arriving at the drop-off point the volunteers grabbed her quickly and I didn’t get a chance to officially say ‘good-bye.’

Its funny because I have been so frustrated by Hot Pocket’s annoying puppy behavior at times, but this morning was sad.

Now onto fish or some lower-allergen critter.

Randy Peterman the Sit-Com

You probably have heard the age old adage, “God made man in His image.  Man returned the favor.”  That would be a quote from Samuel Clemens, also known as Mark Twain.  It has nothing to do with this post.

I love it when folks say, “You’re funny,” to me because it makes me feel like they find me funny.  But its all a lie.  I’m not funny.  If you walk up to me and say, “Randy, give me all of your money.” you are more likely to get money than if you were to walk up to me and say, “Be funny” and get a joke.  I think you’d have a much higher chance of walking up to George Bush and getting the correct spelling for ‘strategery’ than you would me whipping out a funny quip.  But I do try.

What really gets me going is a funny scenario where my mind can just go off into the never-never land of imagination and put people in very, very strange situations that could never happen.  For example putting me in a fast food employee scenario.  That would be weird because I could riff on the concepts given me.  The problem with that scenario is that its been done too many times.  However, what if a person worked fast food and truly excelled at there job?  What then?  Imagine the annoyed customers when an employee actually gave a rip!  I would be really ticked off if an employee actually asked me if I liked my food while I’m trying to reconstruct the elements that could potentially make up a hamburger.

And that, in short, is why there is not a Sit-Com based on the comedy material of Randy Peterman.  Because there really isn’t comedy material… its just a bunch of pops and clicks that happen to coincide with very strange thoughts that come out as a tumultuous blech of weirdness.  And there’s already a show called Southpark that does that.

Interdisciplinary Diction Sprawl

I find that one of the problems with my life experience is that I have tried to learn a lot about a lot of things.  I genuinely want to be a life-long student.  The problem lies in the fact that some fields of study have specific vocabulary that conveys a similar concept in another field.  And if I’ve learned the concept in one field then I accidentally slip in the wrong word.  A prime example that happens to me all of the time is using the word fidelity.

I use fidelity to describe a slew of things that probably should never have that term applied to them.  Photography uses clarity, focus, sharpness and other words, but usually not fidelity – however just like my ‘hi-fi’ stereo system I like high fidelity images.  I also like to think of coffee grounds as maturing in the water instead of brewing.  Why?  Because I’m goofy like that.

What words do you interwingle [which is a made-up word from the internet to convey a usefulness in mixing data from multiple sources]?

It’s Here!

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I had to restrain myself because…

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This thing makes me smile big! [and I had to use this warp tool to get my whole smile to fit on the page]

Apple MacBook Pro 15″ 1GB of RAM dual core 1.83 GHz.  And Garage Band for more music making fun!

With This Ring

Things have been a bit gonzo-crazy lately around here.  I have had too much going on the last couple weeks (ha ha, probably years, but we’ll say its been more hectic this last couple weeks) – some of that is going to be wrapped up shortly, and some of it I’m going to put away.  Some of it is going to stay.  However, yesterday, after the 4 years birthday party for Abby (Tuesday she’ll officially be four), Jessica and I went out driving.  We just needed some time to talk and catch up on what the last couple weeks had not allowed us to catch up on.

It is at times like that when I am so glad that I’m married to Jessica.  I love to spend time with her and to share my life with her.  I’m glad she shares her life with me.  She’s a fantastically good wife, a stupendous mother, and a super cook.  Three important things 😉  She also loves to discuss theology with me, which I appreciate immensely.

When I found out that the pretty blonde girl liked me and she was in honors math I knew that I had something good on my hands [1995].  When she said she’d take seminary courses with me and move down to Texas with me I knew that I was amazingly blessed to be married to her [1999].  And yesterday as I was driving and talking with her explaining to her why I had made some choices and she was genuinely listening to me as her husband and friend I knew that I was blessed beyond what I could comprehend in this relationship [2006].  October 3rd we’ll be married for eight years.  That’s five years longer than we dated, which is pretty amazing.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d probably change a few things [insert long list of stupid things I’ve said in 11 years or so], but I certainly wouldn’t trade my wife for anyone else.

Bad Parenting Choice #3,456,789

This morning Abby came into my office and said, “Dad, I wish you hadn’t had that last beer. I really love beer.” Which is a little tough to swollow given that she has never had beer. But she has had Root Beer. Which is not the same. She just doesn’t know it. The place where I should have piped in, “Sweetheart, beer and root beer are not the same thing.” was instead replied to by me giving her a hug and telling her that she can’t have beer. Which is close, but didn’t differentiate enough. This is where I should probably start fearing for her that she’ll become and alcoholic by the time she’s 5, but I’m not going to because cute children never do anything wrong.

Things I’ve Learned: Rockies Baseball Game Attendance

Brennan and Abby chearing for the RockiesI take the light rail every time I go to a Rockies game. My buddy Brian White taught me that. It isn’t because it is cheaper than parking downtown, it is because that is the pattern. Sure, I have to stand next to strangers, walk from Grand Central Station to the stadium and wait on the train schedule, but I also get to not think about parking, try to find parking or worry about exactly how long my driving through downtown traffic will be. I take the light rail and I like it.

Things I’ve Learned: Apostrophe S Vs. S Apostrophe

My mom used to drive me absolutely crazy when I was younger by refusing to tell me how to spell words.  Instead she would force me to use the dictionary that I had to learn how to spell.  I would probably still be a bad speller if it weren’t for those years spent looking up words when other kids were getting helped by their parents.  Wait.  I’m still a bad speller.  Lets pretend I’m not for the sake of this story.  OK?

Mrs. Williams, my fourth grade teacher had a playground ball that we wanted to stake claim to.  The other students put “Mrs. Williams” on the ball.  You can bet your sweet carrot cake muffins that I had to change the spelling to have an apostrophe to convey a sense of ownership.  “Mrs. Williams'” ball ment it was hurs.  And aint nobody gonna tell me diffrent.  So their.  Why I had to be anal about that is beyond me, but it was important!  Kind of like another time when I had a lottery… but that’s different.

Things I’ve Learned: Making It Up Won’t Get You Anywhere

My cousin Norm had a neighbor Jimmy.  One time my cousin came over to our house with Jimmy and they declaired that they knew everything that could be known (and they weren’t even teenagers!).  So my brother and I set about to stump them.  It didn’t take long before we were asking questions about how certain things happened and they would dissertate and pontificate about how things went down.  Lies.  All lies.  More lies than a politican on trial.  More lies than I had heard from one stream of consciousness ever.  But it was entertaining.

The obvious stupidity of Norm & Jimmy’s truthiness made an important statement: it is better to say that you don’t know than to lie your way out of anything.  Confessing that I don’t know anything about why worms are tasty treats to fish is much better than coming up with stories involving schools of fish being taught to eat the worms… really.