I wanted to post here something that I never, ever would want to post.  Last Tuesday (when internet connectivity was only on my iPhone and my emotions were too intense) Jessica and I drove to the hospital in Ukiah, California and after the morning and part of the afternoon in the ER learned that Jessica had had a miscarriage.  This is not the sort of thing you expect.  This is nearly the worst case scenario.  We cried a lot there in the hospital.  I wrote notes on my iPhone about how I was feeling, but I won’t post them as they’re far too intense for me to publish without feeling like its too much.  They’re also feelings that I don’t have any more because we’re OK.  We’re trusting the Lord that He’s used this to get our attention.  Prior to the unexpected fourth pregnancy (our first pregnancy was also a miscarriage), we we had planned on no more pregnancies.  Except that now our hearts are set on having a third child that we can hold, love and prepare for a life of intensity.

My brother, sister, and I were all born in Ukiah, CA.  It was strange and backwards to go to the same small town and discover that this expected Peterman life would not be seeing Ukiah.  After the doctor’s gentle disclosure of the diagnosis, “Fetal Demise”, we went to eat (having missed breakfast and our normal lunch) at a place where I recall eating with glee as a boy, the Mutt Hut.  Something about the place, and the honestly tasty hot dogs, brought a sense of comfort that sounds stupid as I write this.  I was with my wife, who I loved, looking forward to my two healthy girls, whom we both love dearly, and eating food (which we really needed).  Ukiah has a movie theater there that I remember as a child.  I went there once as a teenager, too.  Ukiah now has another memory in my heart and mind now: the place where Jessica and I decided we will try for a third child – a place that has some endings, but also an important beginning.  The beginning for the plan for three Peterman kids for Randy and Jessica.

We’re doing OK.  We’re doing well.  We’re doing this on purpose.  And we’re looking forward to seeing this little child we didn’t get to meet on this earth in heaven.