If you love Disney[insert land mass name here] then you’ve most likely been to Florida and discovered that while Florida is technically connected to the South, but is not the South.  It is much like California, which is west, but they killed all of the Western Californians with some political bill and so now only non-western Californians are allowed to live there.  Florida has the most old people per capita, second only to cemeteries [and some have debated that it may be third if you count the US Congressional branch of government].  By old people I don’t mean over 50, which would be a wrong assesment for sure, but I mean people driving with their head over the steering wheel, peeping through the gap between their dashboard and the bottom of the top of their steering wheel.

Strangely enough, as dangerous as these drivers sound, there are actually few accidents reported in Florida because these old people are not able to sense the accidents they are involved in.  They drive vehicles so smashed up that the new dents don’t look any different from the old dents.  Of course the upside to this is that there are few deaths involving old drivers.  Except when counting the ones where the person was driving 15MPH and no one noticed that they were dead because when they were alive they drove that slowly and hit that many obstacles.

The rest of the south doesn’t have this problem because no one lives to the ripe old age of 85 due to their cooking.  If you’ve ever seen Paula Dean on the Food Network then you know what I’m referring to.  Her low low fat recipes, when compared to the tofu eaters in California, are the highest fat recipes in California.  You know the receipes where they fry the tofu?  This is worse.  The other mortality factor involved is religion.  In the Bible belt they know how old old is, and if Methuselah lived to be 965 years of age then by golly 95 is spry and young.  If the man can aim the car in the right direction, send him off – out into nowhere.  A swamp or a river will take care of any of the dangerous ones!

So I propose that we create a new region in the US geographical terminology: the Unsouth.   This would include all of Florida, parts of Texas where they have imported yankees to work with computers, and the parts of New Orleans where the Yankees on permanent spring break live.

Disney would be so proud!