Viewers of Olympic Swimming Confused by Acronym

Many viewers of Olympic swimming were confused by the Men’s IM 200 event. When announcers said, "Up next, the Men’s 200 IM event…" blank stares popped up all over the United States and Canada as men ran to their computers to load up AOL and begin instant messaging.

I wanted to support Team USA so I loaded up my AOL and looked for the first buddy who was online to IM for the Gold.

NBC reported that the second reason people stopped watching the Olympics last night, behind the first reason, poor commentators, was the switch to computers. One person interviewed, who wouldn’t give us their real name but did give us 'CybrGrrl034' said, “I can download MP3’s and keep track of the medals at the same time. OMG! [Oh, My God] I have to go, K-Slice just said Justin likes me.”

Bush Blamed for Lack of US Olympic Medals

While it is a little early to tell how the United States Olympic teams will fair, their lack of Olympic Medals is causing some concern. Many Democrats are blaming Bush and the War on Terrorism. A John Kerry representative was quoted as saying:

“Obviously the teams are unable to employ good 'stratigery' due to the distraction of Iraq being so close geographically.”

President Bush or one of his administrative aides were not available for comment.

Olympic officials were glad to see athletes Dollars from other countries competing to show the United States that the sporting community is able to support top-dollar pharmaceutical companies in their search for performance enhancing drugs supplements.

Ticket sales at the Olympic events has been lower than people expected since according to television anchor Bob Costas, “Most of Greece is on a religious holiday and that’s why Olympic ticket sales are down.” Other authorities say ticket sales were down because 1) the Olympics aren’t that cool anymore when compared to the X-Games 2) Attendance was up at Bible Study meetings at hooters and 3) priceline.com was running specials to go see the “Elvis is Alive Museum” guided by William Shatner.

Bad Design

So today I went to www.JohnKerry.com because I was reading the 37signals.com blog [Dang, I’m linking all over the place here]. There, smack-dab on the top of the page, is this image:
Kerry looking at Edwards like he's got gastrointestinal problems
The image is called "vision.jpg". That is just too much! The things I see when I read this are as follows:

Vision
Yes, John Kerry is looking at John Edwards and he’s saying, “Ouch, my bowels hurt, I shouldn’t have eaten that corn in Iowa. Because it really didn’t go with the other crap they serve on the bus. At least my wife’s organic ketchup was better for me than the stuff crammed with High-Fructose Corn Syrup” [OK, so I may have read a little into that]. His vision may have been blurred by the spittle that just shot out of Edward’s open mouth. If you squint a little bit you can almost see another house in the background, or it could be a groundskeeping shed because I guarantee you that John Kerry is not getting a photo shoot done in downtown Manhattan where you might see something that says ‘homies’ instead of ‘homey’. You might see “inner-city troubled youth” rather than, “An older man talking to someone else of youth.” You might see that John Edwards is looking for some person who is ready to sue big time in a class action suit since the City of Manhattan has not kept up the roads and they chipped a toe-nail in the pot hole they stepped in.

Shirts
You might also see that these two politicians are wearing nice cotton shirts that speak to the every-man, as long as every-man is wearing a cotton shirt, sitting in controlled lighting, having their hair professionally styled and wearing, as Arnold would say, “Girly-man makeup.” Of course Arnold has very little to input in the Girly-man arena since he has been seen by millions wearing a dress and makeup in ‘Junior‘. I have not been seen by millions whilst in a dress and wearing makeup so I will call Kerry ‘a bit pansy.’ Of course while we make gender reference jokes, if Edwards was a girl, he’d have to be named ‘Sue’ [Man, I’m killing myself here].

Plants
No, not the ones behind them, the ones in the distance producing Suburbans and other quality gas guzzlers. I don’t care if you’re for Bush in the next election, but if Kerry wants to prove that he’s against Bush he needs to not be funding the OilCo’s (that Bush owns some/part of) with his vehicle purchase(s). Kerry however, does not just own gas guzzling vehicles, he’s got a squad of vehicles. John Edwards owns vehicles, but he doesn’t know what they are :).

So, soon, I’ll dig up some fun on Bush and Chenney, except that most liberal groups are doing a great job of making fun of them.

Tough Jeopardy Question

A scene from Jeopardy I could only imagine:

Alex Trebeck: “A thing you always associate with www.RandyPeterman.com.”
<Buzz />
Ken Jennings: “What is ‘fort worth security guard needs?'”
Alex Trebeck: “That is correct, please select the next category.”
Ken Jennings: “I’ll take extremely bizarre Mormon rituals for $1,000.”

For some reason someone searched for “fort worth security guard needs” and it linked to my site. Yeah, I really have passionate posts about that!

A Critique of John Kerry’s Speech to the Democratic National Convention

Below is a quote of the first paragraph, which is all I’m going to critique.

My fellow Americans, this is the most important election of our lifetime. The stakes are high. We are a nation at war — a global war on terror against an enemy unlike any we have ever known before. And here at home, wages are falling, health care costs are rising, and our great middle class is shrinking. People are working weekends; they’re working two jobs, three jobs, and they’re still not getting ahead.

I will attempt to debunk this paragraph as no other has debunked before. I will debunk faster than a soldier ordered out of his bunk. This will also be a thorough bebunking so prepare for a little depth.

First Word: My
Oh, like this one hasn’t been used before. My two year old daughter knows how to use the word “my.” I don’t think we want a president who’s greedy and says my or mine all the time. You will also note that M is the 13th letter and Y is the 25th . These two letters add up to 38 which is clearly a reference to the 38th president, Jimmy Carter. And we all know that Jimmy Carter represents the 70’s and disco funk.

Fellow Americans, this is the most important election of our lifetime.
By using the term fellow, which can be defined as ‘a boyfriend‘, Kerry is reaching out to gay constituents. By using the term ‘Americans’ he is referring to big fat stupid white men who watch too much football.

I can’t finish this critique. It’s too much. I feel like I’m having a reaction to High Fructose Corn Syrup due to the sugary sweetness of the rest of the paragraph. Fortunately there’s tomorrow where I might continue on in careful evaluation of this ‘speech.’

Vote for Brian White in 2004.

Alias Makes Kristin Sick

Kristin, my sister-in-law had never heard of Alias before, so she started watching it with Jessica and Kelsey, her sister (my other sister-in-law from that part of the family). However, the more alias she watched the sicker she got. Therefore, without any other refutation I blame Alias for Kristin’s downfall in health.

Tim LaHaye to Add to Bible

To continue the success of the Left Behind series Tim LaHaye, prophecy guru, has worked with the Pope, who has apostolic succession, to create a sixty-seventh book in scripture. This book will allow the Left Behind series to continue on for at least 20 more volumes, and because LaHaye and Pope John Paul VIIMILK are the authors of the new book for the Bible there will be a lot less concern about interpretation of the prophecy since they authored it.

Conservative Bible scholars are up in arms as is the Christian Bookseller’s Association (CBA) – for opposite reasons. The scholars are concerned that this is heresy stating that there has been no new revelation for almost 200 years (excluding whack-jobs like the Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses). CBA is upset because they’re almost certain that Wal-Mart will undersell them by $2.00 per book anyway.

Prophecy book author Hal Lindsey, author of ‘Late Great Planet Earth,’ says, “I wish I had thought of this, then I could afford to color more than my moustache